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Roid, for the sake of your children, I would try to save your marriage. We can help you do that. You will need to learn to ignore some of your instincts - if you respond to her abuse by backing off, you can't save your marriage. But if you can override that instinct, you can probably save this, and your kids can have their mom and dad back together under one roof caring for each other.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am not going to lie save this. I see no light, at the end of the tunnel. I never got a straight answer on email or what it was meant to be. And now she won't even talk says we can do through attorney when she gets one. So do I keep up on what the email really meant.
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Dr. Harley says that control is in the hands of your wife. This incident today is a perfect example of that.
We have a plan here for getting control balanced so that your marriage is under joint control. It has worked for many people. You are going to need to step up with a couple of steps that will start to rebalance the control. The first thing you need to do is press on until you have enough evidence of her affair.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What did the email say?
She is either pregnant or afraid she is. Why else would she be getting emails from a pregnancy clinic?
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I am not going to lie save this. I see no light, at the end of the tunnel. I never got a straight answer on email or what it was meant to be. And now she won't even talk says we can do through attorney when she gets one. So do I keep up on what the email really meant. Roid, this is very saveable. Get your evidence of the affair as fast as possible. If she's not talking to you, you will need to get the evidence some other way. Your kids need you. Their mother is destroying their world. I just read part of Elliot Rodger's manifesto - do you know who that was? He was that crazy kid who killed several college students this weekend in Santa Barbara. I wasn't surprised at all to see that his parents divorced at an early age and it rocked his world and his whole concept of male-female relations. The main thing children need is two parents in love and caring for each other. You have a very good chance of getting them that if you will follow the proven plans here.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Every WW since the dawn of time has spat out the words "You're controlling" - because it is a very nifty little phrase that will always make a good man HALT horrified in his tracks. Seriously, wanting to know about your wife's pregnancy is controlling? She must be as high as a kite. Guess you've ruined the stand-in dad plan. How very dare you. This is my top ten of wayward phrases, that I drafted in 2011 - however wayward ancient Egyptians used the same phrases. Dear me.
It seems like every other post from newbie BSs on this forum seems to contain the phrase 'My WS says....'
This is ok (ish), except when followed by the fatal 'I do believe him/her'
The worst ones then follow up with a desire to 'trust'.
I therefore submit a golden rule.......
NEVER TAKE THE WORD OF A WAYWARD. IF THEY SAY THE SKY IS BLUE -LOOK UP TO CHECK. IT SOUNDS TRUE BUT IT IS PROBABLY RAINING.
Now everyone of us has been there, been gaslighted, been lied to very convincingly by people who we love and know to have honest and upstanding pasts. (oh yes, it's not just yours!)
That goes out of the window when they become addicts however.
A truly repentent wayward will jump through hoops to prove themselves with actions like an NC letter or a polygraph.
Words are just too inadequate and they know that.
Here is my top ten of things waywards lie about
1) It was an EA only
It was a PA, but if I tell you the truth that will have to stop and you will probably leave me.
2)It was a PA, but we only did it once/oral/kissing
I minimimize what I am ashamed of, though there is no logic in doing so.
3)It is your fault for not meeting my ENs
This makes me feel less guilty about my non existent boundaries with the opposite sex
4)Our marriage has been miserable for years
This makes me feel less guilty about my non existent boundaries with the opposite sex
5)I do not love you - I love the OP
I have betrayed my morals and everything I once believed in. I must love the OP - or else I am just stupid for risking so much. Actually I am just greedy and stupid. Dont tell anyone.
6)I want a divorce
But I will not bother filing. This is an idle threat to scare you into submission.
7) She/he is just a friend
That I value more than your discomfort with their presence.
8) I need privacy, that's all
So I can cheat on you
9) I dont need an NC letter because there is no contact
Please dont make me give up my cake
10)You are jealous/controlling/demanding
You are getting really warm and I dont like it.
Can I please invite others to share lies they were told/told themselves that were really convincing and why they should NOT be believed without proof?
Cheers.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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What did the email actually SAY? No one gives a hoot what your wife says. I am not going to lie save this. I see no light, at the end of the tunnel. I never got a straight answer on email or what it was meant to be. And now she won't even talk says we can do through attorney when she gets one. So do I keep up on what the email really meant. If you want more lies, ask a liar. If you want the truth - snoop.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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The email was from a clinical executive over counseling. And asked if she was okay, got into see a doc, needed help with insurance, or needed to talk, that this person was there for her.
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OK - so now that you know she has been keeping serious secrets.
So is it:
Plan Roid = Let her talk you into knots until you have PTSD from all the lies.
Plan MB = Snoop, expose, save your children.
Which is it?
Last edited by indiegirl; 05/28/14 11:05 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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She says it was for a person that she knew who wanted to stay out if the light. And she is sticking to it. And she is getting angry, but I am tired of her thinking it was okay to withold sex for a year,
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Roid - I think you need to email Dr. Harley and Joyce back immediately and let them know of this new development: your wife is pregnant. Let them know and see if Dr. Harley has any updated advice for you. This is a significant development.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Nobody cares what 'she says'!!!!
She is a liar pulling your puppet strings.
Concentrate. Ignore what SHE SAYS.
Now, what is your plan?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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She says it was for a person that she knew who wanted to stay out if the light. And she is sticking to it. And she is getting angry, but I am tired of her thinking it was okay to withold sex for a year, Royd, we know your wife has a marvellous penchant for lying, but we want to know what YOU are going to do to fight her lies. She's very likely to be trying to pin an other man's child on you. Still not interested in snooping?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Roid, in some cases if a child of an affair is born, the man the mother is married to becomes the legal father of the child and he becomes legally liable for supporting the child even if there is a divorce.
I think you need to contact Dr. Harley with this new development ASAP, and I think you also need to consult an attorney ASAP.
Dr. Harley's advice to you on the radio show was once you had evidence of an affair EXPOSE it, and then go into Plan B.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here's the thing guys. She's telling the truth on pregnancy thing, from what I can verify. So not a lie, now I'm in a big pickle. But it's okay, I have read up on the pregnancy thing and divorce can get a bit crazy if you don't protect yourself.
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I am being asked to get my phone, were on a family plan, and bank account, were hooked together. Typical divorce stuff. What a crossroads here, to continue or just call it good. She keeps saying she doesn't care, it grosses her to even think about sex with me, and that no matter what, she doesn't want me in her life at all. She thinks the digging was just too much, and she can't wait to see where else I lurk. What if this is all wrong and there is no real sexual affair, or pregnancy, it is a possibility albeit a small one. Then is there a plan of action, or is it just too much. She did say that I abused her and screamed I did, but when I said withholding sex, and cold shoulder was abuse, she said since when?
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She has also been saying she can't wait for the kiddos to turn 18, so she can be rid of me period.
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I did email the doc on this one. Told him everything from email to her words.
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I goofed found a very bad email, and confronted wife. It was actually from a pregnancy clinic. I thought oh my god she is pregnant, and not mine. I got ahold of her and pushed too much. As of this morning she is so pissed, that she is filing for divorce today supposedly. And I never got an answer as to what the email was in reference to. All I got was, you are controlling me, I have to report in, I will never report to you again in my life. She was very agitated, and it was late last night this happened, into this morning actually. When I saw the email, I just freaked out. So now I am going to be divorced and it will probably get nasty her words. Thanks for all the help, even though it didn't work out. Hopefully we are both able to come out the other side at least in better shape. Wayward WOMEN typically accuse their husbands of being "controlling" in order to control THEM. She does this very effectively with you. You made a strategic mistake by confronting her without evidence but you can recover if you start doing some serious snooping and find out the facts. You are being gaslighted in a very severe way and you need to stay on your path and not allow yourself to be so easily manipulated. Your marriage might be over, but it might not be if you can buck up here and follow a plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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