I have been married to my husband for 25 years and we have two wonderful teenage children. He has been unfaithful several times. The occasions I absolutely know about are a one-night stand when our second child was 4 months old; a so-called 'affair of the heart' with his 'cousin' over 4 or so years, and sexually suggestive emails between his ex-wife and himself over many years. In between there were many occasions where I found and confronted him over pornography, finding a woman's G-string in his briefcase and an empty condom packet in his car.

All of these instances, spanning at least 15 years, were met with vehement denial and, as I now understand, mounting a very effective offensive in response, which left me feeling guilty and doubting myself and my sanity.

Five years ago it eventually culminated one night in me removing him from our home after he had verbally and emotionally abused our daughter and I had at the same time found more porn. He refused to go and I called the police who finally convinced him to leave. This was followed by a 3 month separation after which he returned for a period of recovery following surgery. I was not happy for him to stay but he again refused to leave. However, we went to marriage counselling and he went to individual counselling with a male whose speciality was pornography.

There have been definite improvements from my husbands' side - he is more attentive, much better with the kids, very helpful around the house and supportive of me in my work. I have also tried forgive and move on, to set my expectations more realistically and to let go of the pain.

Recently we celebrated our 25th anniversary. I made plans for, and arranged, a wonderful weekend away in a beautiful, romantic setting. My interest in sex had completely failed by now, so I visited our GP who prescribed testosterone... I really wanted this to be a celebration of how far we had progressed. Sadly, the weekend ended when we did discuss the past, in spite of my best intentions to avoid it. In this discussion he revealed the name of his 'cousins' new partner and this was a deep shock to me. It suggested that he must somehow have had contact with her. He insisted that it was I who told him. But by now this does not work anymore, I have now learnt to trust my instinct and know when he is lying and turning it around on me.

We returned on Sunday night and on Monday was our actual anniversary. We made love before we both set off for work ( a real biggie for me as I had been unable to for so long) and I heard nothing more. No card, no flower, no gesture of any kind at all.

This was 2 weeks ago. We have spoken about it a lot since. He is angry that I simply can't get over the past and I'm starting to think that I just cannot go on anymore. Our youngest finishes school this year and I believe I can hold out until then.

Please advise me. I am 55, and dread the thought of growing old alone, but I just cannot cope with the lack of trust I feel, the lack of really being cherished. I know that separating is a financial disaster, particularly for me on a much lower income. It is also desperately tough on kids even though mine are now 17 and 18. I also simply do not know how to let go of the pain. I have carefully read the advice on the website but my husband has not and I have little confidence that he would even if I pointed him in that direction.

I am at a complete loss and almost numb with fear and loss.

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for your pain.

Have you read all of these?
Start Here First-Welcome SAA

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Why don't you have your WH take a polygraph?

Do you want to remain married?

Kwel, welcome to Marriage Builders. A huge part of the reason you can't "forgive" him is because he has not taken the necessary steps to protect you from harm. You can't trust him ever because he has not made his life so transparent and so open that it would be impossible to cheat. Have you read the book, Surviving an Affair? The path to recovery from an affair is very, very narrow. Here is the checklist of those steps:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Hi MelodyLane
Thank you for your reply. It was very clear and helpful. Much appreciated.

Would you please answer these?

Welcome to MB Kwel

Does your WH have children with his ex-wife?

Does he work and if so does he travel?