And I know they have been hanging out some, as she put it!!

Bad idea!! That is like giving your battle plan to the enemy. That won't get you the necessary information you need to save your marriage.

Its fine to address those charges, but it is not fine to be so distracted by those trumped up charges, that you don't see the real culprit. And that is the point. The GOAL of the grievances is to keep the BS off balance so he won't look too hard at HER.

It's like dealing with a falling down drunk who swears he is a drunk because of the poor way he is treated in life. Its ok to tell him "there, there" while leading him into the jail cell but it doesn't help to believe it.

Okay here is the truth, this all goes against what I beleive in. Snooping, digging around for dirt. I know how important my family truly is, but this is all very hard to do against what my insides tell me I should do. And the emotional pain of all of this is truly setting in, the affair that is anyway. I'm actually setting here trying to calm down, knowing I have to go pick up the my kids later and see her!!

Are YOU comfortable and in agreement with this Opposite Sex "Friendship?"

That is at "Minimum", the 1st to 2nd stage of an affair progressing. He is Obviously meeting a current emotional need of hers.

You need to figure out how to discover the full truth about your marriage.

LTL

No I am not all that comfortable with the opposite sex friendship. We have had that come up in the past. She has been texting and talking in secret to him for a while.

I am in total agreement!!!

While i did everything that anyone could have thought of to address my WW's issues, all of my efforts went for naught because i was continually being gaslighted that there was no affair(s) taking place after i discovered the 1st one, which then i therefore never stomped out the affair(s) and wasted my efforts which resulted in a completely broken family.

I hope this poster can avoid my mistakes by learning from my poor example.

LTL

I think you need to think it through more thoroughly, because snooping is a virtue, not a negative. And let me explain why it is a virtue. You have a RIGHT to know every thing your wife does and says. As your spouse, everything she does affects you and your children. So when she hides things from you, she is hiding facts ABOUT YOUR LIFE. Your wife is wrongfully withholding the facts about an affair.

NO SPOUSE has the right to the privacy to destroy her spouse behind his back.

This affair has almost destroyed your marriage and your children's lives. As such, you have a moral responsibility to snoop and find out what is being wrongfully withheld from you. By doing so, you can obtain the FACTS about your own life and make decisions based on the truth.

You are being manipulated in a serious, harmful way and there is no virtue in enabling her manipulation.

It is wrong to lie and commit adultery. It is not wrong to CATCH someone committing those crimes. Do you think the cops are immoral when they uncover the nefarious acts of drug dealers? Would you condemn by saying: "snooping all goes against what I believe in. Snooping, digging around for dirt.."

Does that sound rational to you? How could the police protect the public welfare if they did not snoop?

I want to also add that if you had been snooping BEFORE she moved out you might have had a chance to kill her affair and prevent this entirely. I have seen hundreds of marriages SAVED in my 13 years because of snooping.

TOO MUCH trust has about destroyed your marriage.

You are right there, but then my point back is that I don't want someone like a common criminal in my life. So what's there really to save then??

Often times, due soley to exposure, the Affair Fog dissipates and the wayward who once went after wrong choices can once again learn to be more than the person that you once believed them to be.

They too can learn from their past mistakes, but the only way to get them aware and out of the fog is to destroy the affair by exposing it properly.

LTL

Well, that is your choice. But many of us are in happy marriages to people who were once "common criminals" [adulterers] who changed their ways and made amends to us. My own marriage is happier and more passionate today than it EVER WAS. But no one has to save their marriage. That is entirely up to you.

If you don't want to save your marriage, no one is going to argue with you about that. BUT, if you were interested, there is a small chance we could help you do that.

Roid, Dr. Harley's experience is that transparency and digging/snooping is one of the common factors that show up in great marriages. Sure, there are plenty of people who don't do these things for whatever reason, but they tend to fall into the category of people who have bad marriages.

According to Dr. Harley,
40% of marriages end in divorce
20% of marriages end in permanent separation - they stay legally married, but don't live together and have nothing to do with each other
20% of marriages stay together but are unhappy - usually very unhappy.

Only 20% of marriages are happy marriages. Dr. Harley studied what those couples do, and found that when he taught couples in bad marriages to do what those couples do in the 20% of marriages that are good, the bad marriages became good marriages. One of those things is snooping!

My wife and I make each other welcome to check up on each other at any time. There are no secrets, and we both want the other to check up on us in whatever way is necessary to make sure we aren't hiding anything. And we have a fantastic marriage! That's today - three years ago, I was an abuser, and she was starting an affair on Facebook.

Today, we know that:
* neither one of us will put up with a situation where we can't verify for ourselves that the other is telling the truth
* neither one of us will put up with privacy
* if either one of us gets into an affair, the other one will tell everybody we know, including parents, friends, clergy, friends off of this website, etc.

All these things are things that couples in happy marriages do. There's more than that, but these things are prerequisites.

My parents have been passionately in love for nearly 40 years. They act like teenagers.

They snoop on each other ALL the time! (Never revealing how to the other person! Unless little white lies are discovered) Even though my dad is the biggest family man you would ever meet and my mum is an angel. They keep each other safe. I used to think it was just a cutely jealous trait, and not really necessary. Now after the affair in my own marriage I know the truth -

When you care enough to get off your butt and keep your marriage safe, your marriage stays safe

I goofed found a very bad email, and confronted wife. It was actually from a pregnancy clinic. I thought oh my god she is pregnant, and not mine. I got ahold of her and pushed too much. As of this morning she is so pissed, that she is filing for divorce today supposedly. And I never got an answer as to what the email was in reference to. All I got was, you are controlling me, I have to report in, I will never report to you again in my life. She was very agitated, and it was late last night this happened, into this morning actually. When I saw the email, I just freaked out. So now I am going to be divorced and it will probably get nasty her words. Thanks for all the help, even though it didn't work out. Hopefully we are both able to come out the other side at least in better shape.

That is big news on what you stumbled on, yet SHE had YOU backed into a corner. How dare you care if she got knocked up by some POSOM.

That's called gaslighting!!!

Exposure is still your Number One aide, whether or not the marriage reconciles or heads to divorce.

Get Strong Now. You have no time to lose.

Get your answers to the pregnancy clinic.

That in itself is enough evidence to expose an affair.

LTL

Roid, this happens all the time. She will say or do anything to get you to back off. Because you are a very emotional guy (like me), you will likely do anything to keep her placated.

But it won't work.

Man up, Roid. You aren't trying to control her - you are trying to reestablish a MARRIAGE, which is a relationship where both husband and wife are jointly in control and caring for each other.

So, is she pregnant?

Also, did you read my post? If not, please go back and read it.

She achieved her goal of making you back off.

Unfortunately, that is counterproductive for saving your marriage.

This is very saveable and we have seen people save marriages many times in this scenario.

Roid, I just listened to Dr. Harley say that your wife is abusing YOU.

What you are posting here is just an example of her abusing you - gaslighting you to get you to back off. She's acting like you shouldn't be interested in her (possible) pregnancy, when any normal husband would be INTENSELY interested in whether or not his wife is pregnant.

It is not abusive or controlling for you to want to know if your wife is pregnant. That is ridiculous.

Dr. Harley says that he does not believe you are an abusive and controlling person.

You don't actually believe all that nonsense do you?

As you were.