Ok first of all, I do feel in love regardless of what you think. Second, I wish I could change my username because I am not NEARLY as tired as when I got here originally.

Second of all, maybe I should clarify. He doesn't think time with me is ridiculous, he thinks 15 hours of fun is ridiculous. He does spend time with me. For example,

Monday he was home all day since we had just gotten back from being overseas. No, we didn't leave the house that day, but we did have several hours alone that morning which we used for IC and SF in our bedroom. We went for a walk alone on our property later in the day and then had more IC and SF in our bedroom later that night.

Tuesday- he was on call. He did make it home but had to go out and was gone half the night.

Wednesday- I got home from church at 7 and the kids were gone to their youth activities. We talked a lot outside while harvesting the garden and then sitting on the swing outside and talking. We then went inside for more IC and SF before the kids got home a little after 10.

Thursday- He got off at 11 and at 12 we headed off for the legal thing he had to do in a town an hour away. So we talked all the way there. He did his legal thing for 2 hours and then we went dishwasher shopping for several hours, went out to eat and then drove the hour home. Only our 19yo was somewhere around the house when we got home so we cuddled on the couch and watched a tv show on Netflix.

So he does spend time with me. Now he will be working this weekend, so who knows if I'll see him or not.

Thank you for those of you who answered my question about honesty. The conversation about making love and being a mom happened 3 months ago and as you can see from the SF above, my complaints have been addressed. However, you made me understand disrespectful judgments so that I can point that out next time. It is getting easier to share. I appreciate your help.

Is the problem resolved to your satisfaction?

The problem with SF has definitely been resolved to my satisfaction! Part of it was also due to my lack of honesty in this area and there were big changes when I was honest about it almost 3 weeks ago.

Good! I'm glad.

Has the problem of recreational companionship been resolved to your satisfaction? You said in your first post on this thread that it was your number one need. Your first post today seems to be saying that time alone with your husband is not a problem. However, I am not sure whether you are saying that you enjoy the time you spend with him and that it fulfills your need for recreational companionship.

Mmm I can see why it would be a hard sell if it's specifically fun recreation you need, rather than his not agreeing to any kind of undivided attention. If you don't have this need it can sound a little cuckoo. However it IS very important if it is your EN and will lead to an incredible thirst if it isn�t met. Perhaps now you have the knowledge to tackle the DJ's, not accept them, keep making your desires known persistently and respectfully you will make more headway.

Why not change your name? I'm really glad I didn't go with wanna-jump-offa-cliff which is how I felt my first day

Now that honestly could be better. Many weeks he is just dead tired and he has been around people all day. I, on the other hand, have been at the house alone all day/ with our teenagers. While I think going out somewhere to DO something fun: bowling, picnic at a lake, etc He is just spent and might could muster up swinging on the swing or walking around the place but DOING something, not so much. Haven't figure out a way around that one yet.

How do I go about changing my name?

Yes, that is it exactly. He relaxes by doing chores here on the farm: fixing fence, hoeing the garden, etc. That is his relaxation activity. He doesn't really have any friends. I am his only friend and he tells me EVERYTHING. The only way he will ever go to a social activity is with me. He doesn't particularly like them. He doesn't really have any fun activities he does, never has. His life was studying for his profession when he was younger.

OK, what about you? What type of fun do you specifically need?

If you click on 'My Stuff' at the top of the forum you can change your account settings and your name.

Well, if I could pick it would be belly laughing fun and just being silly. It would also be something that I didn't have to plan. One of the qualities that attracted me to him was his sense of humor. That has slowly disappeared over the last 10 years. ( We've been married for 24 and dated for 3 years before that.) This particular year has been VERY VERY VERY stressful: the legal issue at work, both of our identities were stolen, emergency surgery for one of us, emergency room visit for another, close relative dying and being executor of the estate... I'm sure I'm leaving something out but those are just the big things that have happened since November. He is emotionally spent. I am actually in a much better place than he is because I have been seeing someone who has helped me to be more honest about my needs.

I plan all of our family vacations and any that we take or he takes with the kids. If I don't plan something super fun for our date then it is typically dinner out and then to lowes or maybe a movie. Now Dr. Harley said when I called that they needed to make a book of the cool dates I planned that I shared with them and that my husband shouldn't have to do that. Apparantly he and Mrs. Harley have a set of things that they do. To be honest, I like variety but right now I can't really blame him for not having the energy or interest in doing that.

He has however, been telling me thank you and what a good job I'm doing at things. ( Yeah admiration need. Before he would come in and comment on the one thing left undone or suggest a way something could be done better. Now he just says thank you and I appreciate it.) We have been cuddling a lot in the morning and in the evening. He has been holding my hand a lot more. He has really improved in both of these areas.

We've always talked, or I should say that he has always talked. His typical pattern is chatting with me in the morning. Then when he gets home in the evenings he will tell me all about his day and the various crisis that are going on. I sit on the bathtub while he takes a shower and he talks. ( He likes to take a shower when he gets home from work.) My problem has been that compared to the life or death issues he deals with and the SERIOUS crisis at the office, my being irritated at sibling fighting or problems with math seem rather trivial. And if you take children or possibly church out of the equation, I really have nothing to talk about. I am so incredibly bored right now. ( And yes, he knows that. He just isn't sure how to fix that.)

It sounds like you all have been very creative and it sound like you guys are making major love bank deposit.

But is still sound like you feel that there is some missing. It sounds like because of all the things going on and all the deposits being made you feel that your 'small' complains should not be brought up. It also sounds like you H would love to help if you can identify it exactly.

I would just keep being honest with him when you have complaints no matter how small and even if it doesn't have anything to do with what he is doing. All part of being radically honest. Even if you guys can't solve it right now just talking about it adds deposits in both love banks by meeting a lot of EN like openness and honesty, conversation and affection.

As Dr. H has stated all issues don't need to be resolved to have a romantic loving relationship.

My wife feel similar to this as well.

Okay, your answer to the question "How many hours of UA are you getting each week?" was "He thinks UA time is ridiculous. Period. It won't work with his job."

So, again, I ask: How many hours of enjoyable UA are you getting each week in which your needs of Recreational Companionship, Intimate Conversation (this is not sex talk), Affection and Sexual Fulfillment are being met to your satisfaction?

That's a serious problem. What's he doing to fix it?

I have no idea. I haven't counted. I have enjoyed all my time with him this week. If you are going to be in his profession you have to take call. Period. I knew that when I married him. This has existed when we dated until now.

That said. He is so beyond tired and would like to change but he doesn't know how. He is retiring in a little over 5 years anyway. His legal counsel has advised him not to quit as it would make him look guilty. So he is stuck until this resolves.. It may take up to 5 years. Even if he decided to ignore the legal advice, he would need to give his partners at least 6 months notice, we would have to find some kind of new practice, move ( which neither of us really wants to do) and so let us say it goes pretty smoothly that will take a minimum of 1 year to find a new job and then he only works there 4 years until he retires... Right now he can take off whenever he wants. he takes off 6- 8 weeks a year. I'm not sure he could do that in a new job. And like I said, I do not know of any job in his specialty that does not require call. If he were family practice, then sure but he isn't.

Yeah that is what I have discovered. It is okay for me to vent and I don't worry about it if it makes him feel helpless. We are just going to keep going. We are doing so much better than we were.

Start counting. That 15th hour is crucial.

So you are satisfied with how your need for RC is being met?



Whatever comes before the marriage will ultimately destroy the marriage. Both of you put his job first, and that is a problem.

Your marriage must come first.

Here
Conversation Is Boring has the enemies and friends of conversation.

Do you have His Needs Her Needs? The chapter on conversation is more up to date then this article.

The problem is that "I" am boring. My life is boring, not so much that conversation is boring..though sometimes it is.

For example, yesterday I canned 3 batches of jam and cleaned the house. ( Hadn't done it since our trip overseas.) That is it. And he already knew that because when he called in the middle of the day like he does most days I talked to him about how well the plum jam did and that I wasn't sure the blackberry would set. So last night he came home talking about the legal crisis and what is going on there, asked how the kids were, talked about his dad's latest health crisis. He asked me how my day was. Fine. I don't know what else to say. I didn't do anything. I bored out of my mind. It is summer now, so activities have stopped but even when they were going on, I was bored and part of it is just the stage of life, I guess. Here was my schedule last year and next year will be pretty much identical.


My oldest will be away at college. My 17yo will be taking 13hours of dual credit at the university, so I'm not teaching him anything.

Monday- I get my daughter working at 8am and then we leave at 10am to drive to violin. Sometimes I walk during the lesson, sometimes I bring a chore to work on like balancing the checkbook or typing a choir letter or whatever. We get back at 1pm from the lesson. We eat lunch and I relax for 30 minutes. 1:30-5:30 my kids are doing schoolwork with my supervision but not actual instruction. My daughter has orchestra from 6:30-8:30 in a neighboring town. I carpool with 2 other moms, so every three weeks I run errands while I'm there. Otherwise I'm home.

Tuesday
8-10:30 I supervise school for my daughter. At 10:30 I leave to pick up my friend�s children and take them and my daughter to the history/literature co-op. My friend brings her home at 5. During this time I used to go visit my husband�s grandmother, but I don�t have to do that anymore since she passed away. I will go to the store if I need to or run other errands like getting the oil changed. In the fall I would sometimes go to my therapist in the afternoon. I�ve substituted it for the Bible study at 1 instead. Some days I just come home and get stuff done around the house or on my list. Many times I am preparing for my classes on Wednesday.

Wednesday
We leave at 7:30 am for co-op. I help or teach from 8:30-12:30. We come home and relax eat and leave at 3:30 to set up for children�s choir. I get home at 9pm. This is my favorite day.


Thursday
I am home with my daughter doing school. We leave at 3:45 for her children�s choir and get back at 5:45. Once again this is in the bigger town so if I have any errands or shopping I do it then. Now at least twice a month my husband takes the afternoon off and so we do something. My 17yo will then take her to this activity.

Friday
I am home supervising children. We typically clean house in the afternoon. They have to have their chores complete before they can do anything fun like watch a movie or play a video game ( only allowed on weekends).

Saturday
Chores here at the farm.

Sunday
Church in the morning. The kids have youth in the evening.

Now, do you see how much time I have at the house? I have plenty of time to do housework or yardwork. What I miss is interacting with people. I do it on Wednesdays and Sunday mornings, but other than that my interaction is just with our family and a Walmart clerk or a hello to the violin teacher. Oh, I do have the Bible study now with a woman on Tuesday afternoon a couple of times a month, and I have scheduled the lunch once a month with my friend from 2 hours away�who by the way is in the exact same stage of life..lots of time on our hands but at home. I�m bored�

So you have me, the extrovert at home alone all the time and my husband the introvert with people all the time. Our idea of fun at the end of the day is polar opposite.

Brainy, I reread the chapter and we don't have enemies of good conversation. We are just often silent if we are not talking about his job, the legal battle or our mission trips( which I dearly love. We work together and it is awesome.)

That was an awful long post for someone who has nothing to talk about.

You will feel a lot less boring when your husband takes you out and does something interesting with you.

But he's heard that discussion 4 or 5 times. Just like I've heard how much he hates this legal situation and all that goes along with it and how it makes him feel. ( We had that discussion yesterday, again. I can't fix it. ) We have the same conversations over and over and over and over. To be honest, he is probably tired of hearing how bored I am and I am so tired of hearing what a failure or how he feels helpless or whatever..