I have been married for 14 years and have 2 children 7 and 4.
My wife recently caught me cheating with one of my staff and made me fire her ,this getting caught happened 2wice in a span of 2 months at first when she caught me ,I refused to give her the phone and pinned her down and deleted the text messages,she had a hunch and made me fire the staff,i manipulated her(wife)in believeing that it was not her that I was texting and got my staff back to work and got caught again .Not to mention the staff has been fired and not been in toich with for almost a month now.
When she caught me the second time the condition she put is for me to come clean about all my past which is did that included mentioning prostitutes .I have never had an affair at any point other than this one .
I have been very manipulative in my approach to wards my marriage and I have lied a lot to my wife about the business issues as well of which she is a active partner and we have built it together.
I don't think I have wronged her any where in business ,never swindled money of her,we have always had a honest relationship when it comes to money.But there were many business related decisions that were taken as I felt I could handle them better.My wife is a extremely truthful and honest person and believes only in black and white,she has no grey tones in her book which sometimes makes it hard to runs a business especially handling staff.
Now all these incedents have blown up in my face and my wife is truly hurt ,I feel I have destroyed her emotionally .
I do love her and want her to forgive me ,she has not left me yet but i fear that the day is not far when she will call it quits.
I have begged her and begged her to stay and she has been gracious enough not to leave ,coz i think she loves me too and she would not take such a step for the sake of the kids.
The problem here is that now no matter how hard i try the wounds are too fresh and its impossible for me to reach out to her and see that i am dying of guilt and have remorse .She feels i have feelings for the staff when truly i don't care ,for me my wife and children are my life,yes i did wrong and i would never ever hurt her again.I have learnt my lesson and would do whatever to make this good.
Some days things are fine and suddenly the thoughts keep coming in the way and she has so much resentment that its un bearable to talk to her.I feel i cant take all the accusations and the abuse she starts giving ,i know i have done too much damage but bringing the past agai and again causes trauma in my mind too.I feel extremely scared i don't want to lose her ,can someone please help.

Hi gkumar, welcome to Marriage Builders. We may be able to help you put this back together but you are going to have to get to work. The first step is to drop the forgivness entitlement. You are not entitled to forgivness and your wife would be foolish to forgive you just because you cry some crocodile tears when caught.

You need to EARN her trust and the way to do this is stop crying about your "guilt and remorse" [all self inflicted and much deserved] and focus entirely on helping her heal. Remorse is evidenced by making amends to your victim, not by making empty vacuous claims about "remorse."

The way you do this is begin by affair proofing your marriage so you CAN'T cheat again. That means you change the environment so you CAN'T cheat. She should have complete and total access to your phone, email, everything. Your life should be so transparent that it would be impossible for you to cheat. Saying you will "never do it again" is meaningless.


Not sure what you mean by this. I "handle staff" in my position and everything is very black and white. What are these "gray tones" you are talking about? Please be VERY SPECIFIC so we know what you mean.

Will she come here and post so we can help her get this back on track?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.
If your wife is willing to stay married (and remember, that is her choice), then your marriage CAN recover from this IF you take the necessary steps.

This is what you need to do:

Can you do this?

she has been told everything in detail,infact more details than necessary as I think she is having a hard time dealing with the thoughts.Ihave no desire to cheat or do anything remotely disgusting ,I have lost my wife and kids and I am dying inside.
I do realize what u say ,and I have been trying really really hard for her to see my love for her.

we have a business where there are 8 employees ,as I said my wife is a very clean and a straight person and the employees always try to manipulate us to their advantage which she does not like as she hates lies,but I have to run a business so I have to play good cop bad cop once in a while.I have never demeaned her in front of my employees in any way or said anything bad about her.the things that have been lied to are salary structures where she is not in the favor of higher salaries and had told me to cut down but I had a fear of employees resigning so I kept it the same without her knowledge.
these employees are male employees and has nothing to do with the affair.
I am doing anything to earn her trust,everything is transparent and she has access to everything ,we spend most of the day together as she comes to work too.

I am doing all of this and more.
all information has been revealed
the op is gone and not in contact
money has never been a issue she has been given all the details to account.
trying to spend as much time as possible but things get out of hand some days as the thoughts take over her mind and it gets extremely difficult to calm her down.
the affair has been exposed and been told to everyone .

right now at this point I have asked for 1 month from her for the kids to see if I can regenerate some love in her heart.please pray she doesn't leave...

It is her right to leave, isn't it?
Will you ask her come here so we can help her?

Yes please show her MB so we may help her.

yes it is her right to leave but she has put up a brave front and stayed.I am fortunate that some days are just blissfull .I have to say she is truly trying hard to save this too.We have been intimate and have been working on it.
she was the one to introduce me to MB ,when she first caught me cheating.

What are your EPs?

Have you seen this?
What is Just Compensation?

The best way to help you is for us to help your wife. The biggest problem we have is engaging a reluctant spouse, so if both you and your wife are on board with MB, you are ahead of the game. Send her here.

Sir, "good cop bad cop" is how cops treat criminals.
Your wife is not a criminal and should be treated with more respect.

I am glad that my wife has joined the forum to seek your assistance in fixing our marriage.
I have said this before and I say it again ,I am remorseful and would do anything to get my family back .
I am not proud of the past and I wish it could all be wiped out .
As of now my wife feels she was married to a different person,she feels the person she married died long ago.
She feels that there is something she lacked and that's why I was a pig.But the truth is that I always loved her,not once can I imagine a life without her.
I am ready to do anything to get her to myself completely.I guess i can never take away those thoughts from her mind now.Like i said somedays its fine and then it gets to a point of no return.

I would start setting up your lifestyle so you CAN'T cheat, can't watch porn and don't gawp at women anymore. Your marriage cannot withstand anymore of that. When you are out and about, you should NEVER EVER gawp at any other woman. You need to get out of the habit of doing that immediately. I can't express to you how insulting and offensive gawking is to women. You cannot afford to offend her any more and I hope you understand this.

So start making out a plan where you are together all day long. And that especially includes spending the nights together. If you go on a trip, she either has to go with you or you shouldn't go.

Melody lane,i thank u for ur assistance.
All that u have mentioned has already been spoken and agreed.I told her I wont have a single night out with her ,no matter what happens we will be inseperable.there wil be no more boys night out.
She talks about porn I haven't watched anything since the 28th of last month.
She talks about gawking at other woman and that's totally not true,that coffee shop incident was nothing but her past haunting her and made her feel I did something like this when I totally did not.
Right now walking arorund her is like walking on eggshells I do know that I have caused a lot of hurt but I am dying inside every minute seeing her like this.I have been trying to show her my love but how when all u hear is the past and the heinous questions.The ow is gone with no contact .I am doing everything and anything possible to make her feel a little better but its exhausting especially when u r trying hard and there is nothing but manipulator and liar and loser words being thrown at u.
she and I mututally decided for the sake of our kids to give it a month that was on the 5th but since then we have had 2 good days and 2 days of just agony.

How Dare you even speak of how you are dying inside after such a short time after your wife has been emotionally raped by you for seemingly the entire duration of your marriage.

If YOU want proper advice to help your Wife, you first better hop off of the high horse your bruised ego is riding on and remain off of your self indulgent pity pot. No one will shower you with gifts of adoration for you "Thinking" you are doing the right and honorable thing for such a mere pittance of time.

There will be Sound and Proven advice given to you in the future and if your intentions and behavior align, then you would be best advised to follow the leads given to you as diligently and successfully as possible without any deviation.

Truth be told, your actions are amongst the most heinous of all of the thousands of waywards backgrounds i have ever read.

What type of person are you willing to strive to become, with grueling and consistent behaviors?

You only have the smallest of a window of opportunity to completely transform your life and "Maybe", your marriage as well.

The largest burden is completely on your shoulders and you will need to do all or at least most of the heavy lifting to attempt to right this ship.

LTL

This is all very true. Dr. Harley has often said that if he could invent any one thing, it would be a device that makes you feel what your spouse feels.

Suffice it to say, infidelity typically makes everyone miserable. Waywards focus on their own misery simply because waywards focus on themselves. It is part of their job description.

WEll then, you should get to work. Instead of wasting time "feeling remorse" I would put together a plan that creates a lifestyle that would make it impossible for you to cheat again.

Can you work together every day? How can you make your life so transparent that you can't cheat and can't look at porn anymore?

HER past haunting her? Hmm�.what happened in her past that could cause her to feel haunted like this?

My husband is a reform(ing) gawker, and after what we have gone through, this is what I can tell you:

Here is your new future gkumar�. You are going to have to find a way to totally stop even GLANCING at a woman. Not even a 90 year old Grandma. Not a woman on tv. Not a woman on a billboard.

Some people say that a "three second" glance is okay. NOT FOR ME, and I suspect it won't be for your wife either.

Here are some ideas for you, the two of you can decide what will work best for you.

When you eat out, choose a booth so that YOU can sit facing the wall and thus only look at your wife. When the waitress comes to take your order, YOU grab your wife's hand across the top of the table while you are ordering. When you walk into/out of any place together, YOU hold your wife's arm or guide her shoulders in a way that it will be obvious to everyone that you are married and HAPPY and PROUD to be out with your wife.

And if you screw up (and you will at first) and then catch yourself, DO NOT give a sideways glance at your wife to see if she noticed. DO NOT wait and see if she calls you on it! I promise you that she DID notice. Come clean instantly and tell her that you screwed up and forgot, and that you WANT to build a life where you forevermore only look at her.

@LTL I dare to say what ifeel coz that is the truth. I hAve been caught and made to confess everything which has been recorded.this happened on the 28th of last month.since then I have been clean of watching porn or talking to OW.
Nothing is more important to me than my family ,I totally got a rude awakening when they walked out on me. My 7 yr old daughter told me on the phone to never talk to her again.my 4 yr old son at first threw the phone away and then asked me if I was a bad man?
I never thought I would ever cause so much hurt to our existence.i married my wife after being with her 8 yrs ,we have none each other for almost 21 yrs now and I am 37.i love her too much ,I got tempted and strayed .
Till 2 weeks ago our fights would be where she would non stop abuse me and then my parents and when I say abuse u have not heRd those words yet ..it would take from morning to evening in begging her to stop which she still wouldn't which would lead to frustration like u have never felt before.
Then I decided no matter how harsh things got I would not back answer rudely and I stopped from my side I do not use harsh words or foul language any more,I am sure she will confirm that.
My focus is on her trying to be happy right now,I have scarred her immensely. Whenever she is in a depressed and hurt state I try for her to stop thinking but everything i say causes her to get more aggrevated.
Now as far as I know there are only 2 options either we get separated or stAy together.getting separated is not our first reaction hence we are still together trying to work it out.
But how can we work this if there is a new situation every other day,this is a sad way to live especially for the children as they sense the tension,one day we are laughing and smiling holding each other the other day there is so much stress it's really hard.
I don't think there is such a rule that a person cannot change over night,I told u I have done many things inthe past but I have never heard the quiver in my children's voice,sometimes all it takes is ur own flesh and blood to spit on u.
I guess I have had it,I won't lie or cheAt her,she is a awesome human being and my whole goal is to try and give her back her self esteem Nd the respect she deserves,but how can I when I am shunned on every advance I make?

@melody lane we are trying our best to make everything transparent,I have said yes to the polygraph ,I want to clean this mess up so I cn get my wife back.
Thanks again for all your assistance

today after writing this post she is again mad at me,she refuses to read anything that's good,all she read is that she cursed my parents and that I begged her to come back ,can someone please explain to her that I am not denying anything and I take full responsibility for my actions and that this would never ever happen again.If we are together we have to try to overcome this grief rather than going off on each other.
I have not used any harsh or foul language since the last 2 weeks no matter how hard it has been,i am sorry and I am remorseful .I am ready to give this whatever it takes..