Why are you having unwilling sex? You know PoJA does not allow for sacrifices. Any. At all.

All through this thread you've made this claim that you're "willing" - not exactly deisrous but you claimed you were willing.

I didn't buy it.

You weren't being honest, were you?

If a woman is not desirous, but is willing it's because she's getting some needs met, like affection. You didn't even have any intimate needs on your list.

Just like the weight thing, you aren't honest with your husband until your uneasiness is a full blown crisis.

Rewarding lovebusting with sex is nuts. If he lovebusts and makes you feel fear, he should know you won't stand for it.

He should also put his patient hat on and realise there isn't going to be any sex until it is good for you.

We get the 15 hours. Sometimes more. We don't do the four/four hour dates. We are more mindful now. Good UA for us, is dinner out and a trip to Lowes, sitting around the pool or firepit talking. Laying in bed talking, making plans, sharing our dreams and goals.

We tried the romantic, going out several times a week. Honestly, it wasn't fun. It was forced. Neither of us were relaxed or pleasant.

Generally, DJ's and AO's. Specifically, he sighs, grimaces, says "really"?, "Oh, ok?". He just has "a way" about him. He minimizes, mocks, and shames. Not, just me, but the kids too. It's a kick to the gut everytime. The AO's are usually directed at the kids, along with an SD. He's just not nice most of the time.

I've been incredibly dishonest. I'm afraid of his disapproval. I'm only willing to have sex because I don't want to lose my husband. It is easier to just change myself, than to be honest with him. He doesn't like needy people. Many years ago, I would ask for this or that. A back rub, help moving something, normal stuff like....."Hey, would you mind doing blank." No, I don't want to. Or he would do it, but have nasty attitude about it. So, I stopped asking him for stuff. Stopped asking for my needs to be met. I lowered my expectations to zero because that's the level he was enthusiastic about. What could I do? Expecting something different was insanity. The "real" me went into withdrawal years ago. I don't remember who she is, I don't remember what she's like.

I've been very sick the past two weeks. He came to me wanting sex. I declined three times because I was coughing, snotty and feverish. Not up for close intimate contact. He would sigh, huff and leave or just roll over. Well, the night before last we got into bed, I said, "We should probably have sex tonight, I'm expecting my period....I don't want you to be mad at me." The next morning, it dawned on me...what I'd said. I was being radically honest with him, and didn't realize it. I was physically shaken at the realization that I only have sex out of fear. Fear of his reaction when he finds out I started my period, or I'm sick. I have sex so he won't leave us.

I don't know what to do.

The reason UA is not working is because of his AOs and DJs. As markos said earlier, he can't fill a bucket if he's punching holes in it at the same time. This is probably the same reason that you do not enjoy going out on dates with him.

What he's doing to you is abuse. If he is not willing to stop this abuse, you need to prepare for a separation for your own health and sanity.

Please read:
When to Call it Quits part 1
When to Call it Quits part 2
What to do with an Angry Husband

Until he is willing to stop abusing you with his lovebusters, you should not be trying to meet his emotional needs. Stop having sex with him until he is willing to protect you from himself.

I'm scared, Prisca.

If you don't take the necessary steps to make things change, it'll never get better. It will very likely only get worse.

I'm scared, Prisca.

Hi! I know how scary the thought of separating can be.
I want you to take this one step at a time. Go to information gathering stage.
Talk to a lawyer. Talking to one doesn't =divorce but trust me, you need to get and know the information they can give you as to your rights, what to expect etc.

Also, call your local abuse shelter. I know that they might not be able to give you all their resources but they know a ton, can direct you to all kinds of people you will need and have awesome counselors to help women out who are scared. (They also usually know some great lawyers) You just might find out how much in common you have with other women.(Who are having sex with their husbands because of fear and many other things)
Just do it. Its a phone call and they won't bite!

After information gathering, think about it in your head with all that you have learned of how you CAN do this, what it would look like etc.

Gathering information WILL help you feel better, I promise! It is step one! You Can do that.

So breath, and go gather information!!!

How do I communicate this to him? He will be very upset. He might stop talking to me.

I think the real difficulty is communicating it to you, Tenacious.

He will make whatever decision he is going to make. You need to protect yourself and stop trying to make him straighten out. You can't do it. If he is not interested in ending his abuse and neglect in order to have a good marriage with you, then Dr. Harley would advise you to prepare for a separation as a last resort. Don't communicate it to him - just do it, as a necessary step to protect yourself. When you separate you can leave him a letter letting him know that you are only willing to reconcile if he eliminates his abusive behaviors and stops neglecting you. If he chooses to do so, that is fantastic! If not, then you have protected yourself from a lifetime of abuse and unhappiness.

You win either way.

Stop talking to him and take action.

Please listen to this radio show every day. Start changing your life.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/

Sex won't fix this, and talking to him won't fix this.

We are going to talk tonight. He told me I had all day to make a list of the LB's I'm accusing him of. And a list of my EN's. I emailed these to him, telling him this is a starting point.

I think I'm actually pretty high needs. My lovebank is at -1000. It may take months to reach the threshold of romantic love. If you don't meet my needs and continue to lovebust, we won't get there.

Affection: The nonsexual expression of care through words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies.

Back rubs x2, foot rubs x1, many kind words, text me to let me know when you will be home, listen to MB radio, never allow me to sacrifice so you gain.

Sex: weekly on a scheduled day, preferable on Wednesday. If I'm sick, please take that into consideration. Please consider if you have done an exceptional job at need meeting the prior 6 days. Have you lovebusted me the prior 6 days. If you have, don't expect sex. I won't be emotionally connected to you, thus sex will be bad. No more bad sex.

Intimate conversation: Talk to me while I cook, sit with me during dinner. If you see me eating, sit with me.

Rec Companionship: Go out to eat weekly, preferably Friday night.

Honesty and openness: poja all decisions

Physical attractiveness: make a plan to lose weight and do it

Financial support: make a budget with me and do it

Domestic support: make a plan to finish and/or maintain our home and do it

Family commitment: spend more time talking to our children, emotionally connect with each of them daily

Admiration: not really necessary


If I say...You LB'd me, then you say no I didn't or OMGosh I can't do anything right, I'll just shut up then. That's an LB.

disrespectful judgments: attempts by your spouse to change your attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by trying to force you into his or her way of thinking.

sighs, grimaces, oh really?, yeah, right?, You should have....., dismissing, mocking, shaming, belittling, sarcasm, that under-current of disapproval and judgment.

selfish demands: ask us....don't tell us to do something

angry outbursts: yelling at the kids

dishonesty: you seem pretty honest

annoying habits: not finishing projects

independent behavior: putting work before us

One thing I know he will ask...."Well, when are you going to meet my needs?" Should I reach the romantic threshold to have sex? He's gonna want to timeline.

How does one deal with frustration and disappointment without lovebusting?

I feel like sighs, and rolling over in the bed, turning away from me in a huff, walking into the house and immediately having look of disgust are DJs.

He thinks they are his legitimate expressions of disappointment and frustration.

Text today from me "You would love me more if I kept the house clean?"

His reply, " Nope. You took that completely wrong. It wasn't about love it was about helping me to have a better attitude and make it easier for me NOT to love bust. I know that is my responsibility solely, but I was merely trying to point out that it would help me."

So, is he saying...If you would just do what I ask you to do, I wouldn't be upset, thus I wouldn't LB?

You say "That makes me feel frustrated and disappointed". In other words, you address your own reactions directly and do not try to frame them into your suppositions of the other person's perspective.

Is he still refusing to do anything about his love busters?

Refusing? No, not refusing. Just having a hard time identifying them. There was one recent episode of refusal though. Last weekend, he was angrily cleaning up the kitchen. I got a cup of coffee and asked him what he was gonna to that day. He snapped, "You're looking at it!" I said whoa, Don't take it out on me. Don't do it if you don't want to. Have DD do it, it's her chore. I said, You're being disrespectful to me. He said, "Well, I feel disrespected!" He said, He was sorry, but in an angry voice of frustration. I got dressed and spent the day outside alone.

I've come to realize that I am very sensitive to his reactions. I've asked him to handle me with extraordinary care, he struggles with that.

He has made progess. I'd say 75% better. But lovebusters seem to affect me more negatively exponentially than does UA positively. Does that make sense? He gets a bigger bang for his buck when he treats me well.

We had a serious family discussion a couple of months ago, none of us are doing very well right now. Eldest DD started anti-depressants and therapy. I'm seriously depressed too (terrible thought-life right now).

We're in such a funk. I know the depression is affecting how I react to DH too.

I'm terribly dissatisfied with every aspect of my life right now.

How does he respond on a regular basis when you tell him he is lovebusting you? If he doesn't respond with a "Thank you for telling me," but instead tries to debate you, or tell you that you don't understand, or tell you that you misunderstood or took something out of context, or that you are wrong, then he really is REFUSING to do anything about his lovebusters.

Email from DH

This is easier for me to type than texting so here goes�
What I mean about the house is that just like me being skinny will not make you love me more but will help you desire me and help you meet my needs, me coming home to a nice, clean house will not make me love you more but it does help me to have a better attitude around the house which in turn helps me meet your needs.
Another thing it does is allows us all to have more time to spend together in the evenings when I get home. If supper is done and kids are done with school, we have all evening to spend with them and then time just for us after.
I want that and I need that and I think you do too.
Think about it from my perspective; I get up early every morning and go to work for all of us, get my work done and come home.
How would you guys feel if I just slept till I wanted to get up then got up and maybe went to work at noon and still had the same work to get done so I had to be gone till almost bedtime, grabbed a shower and went to bed and had no time to spend with you guys.

That is how I feel when I get home and all of that is still left to do.
Supper is not that big a deal because like you said before, we can do that together and I am happy to but there needs to be a plan and things need to be thawed out and ready to be cooked so we are not doing that until bedtime.

I know you don�t want to be solely responsible for the kids doing their work but you are there with them during the day and I am not. That is the bottom line and these are the roles we both agreed on once we had kids: I would work and you would be home with the kids.