Then you and your H need to work out a way that can't happen again. Isn't someone responsible for reconciling the cash receipts at the end of the day?

In many businesses that are soundly run, the owners hire a payroll company and pay themselves that way, with a proper periodic paycheck and withholding.

The point of SAA is to change the way you both live your lives so an affair and dishonesty CAN'T happen again.

He is responsible in reconciling the receipts everyday. No one but him. How can I help that. Every other chore from cleaning to filing is others chore or mine. But yes handling money has always been his department. How much cash comes in and goes out he is the sole dictator

That will need to change.

All I can tell you is what SAA recommends, GKwife. You need to look at your marriage and your life and identify every single condition that has allowed your H to behave this way. And then each of those conditions must be changed so he can't do it anymore.

That's the answer.

Recovery is very hard work. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Recovery requires that every single condition that allowed for his affairs, independent behavior, and dishonesty is eliminated. If he is unwilling to do that with you, then recovery won't be possible.

How willing is your H to change the way he conducts his personal life and his business?

If he is willing to be transparent in all things and change his business practices so that you are both happy with the arrangements, then recovery might have a chance.

^^^ This!

Just got back from the drs. Went with husband. Got prescribed acute depression. She said I scored high which sounded bad. Has prescribed Valium and webuttrin and also said Bo was 130by 190 which was high. He spoke to me this morning but did not clarify anything from last nt. I am too tired to ask. Then this am he decided to inform me not ask or suggest just inform me of how he had handled an employee situation. Did it exactly how we had planned NOT to handle the situation. Basically just did the opposite. I made him fix it but after an argument again. It's ridiculous that he claims will change and follow the rules but he keeps bending it every step of the way. Yet when I need to hear that he truly loves me he yells saying that he loves me. His tone states the exact opposite and words mean nothing. He has no empathy in his heart.

I'm glad you went to the doctor and will hopefully get some medical relief for your depression. The Wellbutrin usually takes a few days to start working. I don't know what you mean by Bo was 130by 190. Try and make sure you get a bit of exercise, maybe a walk. Also, be sure and eat some healthy food to keep you going.

Your husband has formed poor marital habits and has very independent behavior. The way to end IB is to follow the POJA for life. Has he agreed to the POJA for life? It's going to take a great deal of effort for him to change these habits, but it can be done. You will have to stop being angry, though. He will need to be completely transparent with you. And when he makes a mistake, which he will, it needs to be handled calmly and respectfully.

Obviously your H should not be yelling at you, ever, especially to say "I love you." When he does this, tell him calmly that it hurts you when he speaks to you this way.

POJA: Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse.

This includes his business. Has he agreed to be transparent with you and change all the conditions that have led to his dishonesty and his affairs?

He doesn't yell being angry. Just being frustrated I guess or I hope. I meant the blood pressure. Sorry I never check for typos The Bp was high.

Got prescribed bupropion and diazepam

BP, not Bo. Blood pressure.

Are you able to eliminate your anger and disrespect toward your H? If you can't, you are not going to start solving your marital problems. You will need to force yourself to stay very calm by taking deep breaths. You might need to leave the room until you calm down.

Your first order of business is to end your angry outbursts and disrespect. Do you understand how important this is?

YAY that you went to the doctor!

And whew that they found your high blood pressure. Do you need to go back for a re-check of that after the medicine kicks in?

Yes I do try to stay calm. But usually I almost feel like he is mocking me. He actually tells me to start cursing him. Until which I have not used foul language. And yes I have heard foul language from him for the last thirteen years. As a matter of fact I used to ask him to stop using foul language and when I could not get him to stop I joined the band wagon. It is just about now. Ie two weeks he hasn't cursed me or else I was called a whore if I actually called his keep a whore. He would random call me filthy names. Now he uses a different approach. Keeps calm refuses to answer straight and still tries using the same old tactic , manipulation with words. If I ask him a question he will never answer it straight he will say u r not letting me answer I am coming to it but this is to hard blah blah blah until I loose my patience. When he sees I am loosing my patience he will actually tell me yes now start cursing me and choose to walk away. And then I loose it. I do exactly how he played me. I will try and use a calmer approach but that can happen when he stops playing games and manupilations. He feels I don't see it. But I do. I know he is getting me instigated. Telling someone u love them when they r aggregated is one thing but yelling and saying what else do I do. Yell and say if this is not love what else this is gets me more and more upset. I am scared to talk to him because he is not understanding me at all or choosing not to. It's almost like he is forcing himself to try. May be his heart doesn't want me at all and that shows in his actions. Yet he says he wants this. But the way he talks doesn't make me feel that he wants this one percent. .....it's very frustrating.

I need to go back next week Wednesday.

Longway from home @ I can eliminate my anger only if he stops mocking me. When questioned he has repeatedly used this card sat near my face and asked me yes now start cursing. Instead of answering he drives me right there. I hate the hypocrisy he is portraying now. Either he needs to man up and say I won't do this to her anymore and truly try. When he shall truly try in my heart I will know. I knew he was upto nonsense. While I sat thousands of miles away without a proof on my so called vacation I told him that he has changed and that my heart knows something is wrong. He has lied and lied. And lied with a confidence. And no conscious. I need him to truly try and if he can't he ends to ask me to stop also. I feel like I am swimming against the tide and time is running short. Each hour each day that is passing by I feel I am loosing this battle within me. I have no clue what my future will be like I have vested my career my life my energy my identity all of it in this relationship. I have been shadowed in everything we have done. No one knows me solely in this biz but he is the face of everything we own or every had.

If I control my anger and talk yet he plays around with words it's like u r insulting me. Adding insult to my injury.

If I catch him saying the wrong things or doing wrong he will manupilations with words. Or pretend to be dumb. Or say I am dissecting everything he is saying. Which is not true.

It's exhausting to see a half willed approach. It's not right

The problem is you are never going to get any answers when you get angry,

When you get angry that's you loosing control and that gives him justification to walk away and not answer.

If you stay calm and ask him direct questions and do not rise to him riling you then you will get more answers to your questions.

Maybe try writing down your specific questions and getting him to answer them directly in paper. See if that helps at all.

I appreciate there are questions that need answering for you to start healing but you can't get anywhere when your are randomly throughout the day popping out questions for him to answer. Maybe dedicate 20 mins a day to answering your questions then shelve it and concentrate on trying to see if you can save this marriage.

I am not on his side but no matter how wrong he is and what he has done it is being made impossible for him to try and help you move on when every contact you two have is resulting in an argument. If he walks away he's wrong, if he stays and does not tell you exactly what you want to hear its wrong. How is he supposed to make any progress like this??

And I am talking from experience here i was furious with my H when I discovered his A, I cursed, and constantly had angry outbursts at him and although he deserved it, marriage wise it did t help at all.

Him choosing to tell you the truth is a good thing! That is what Radical Honesty is. Since he had already handled it (independently I may add!), he still told you the truth about his actions (even though he probably knew that he would get into trouble with you).

Well�.you did not MAKE him fix it, did you? I suspect that you both worked it out together, didn't you?

As for "bending" the rules. Yep, he is working on stopping that. That is independent behavior and he is going to be working very hard to get rid of it.

The Policy of Joint Agreement states that we never DO anything without the enthusiastic agreement of both spouses.

Next time that you notice independent behavior, tell him "it bothers me when I am not included in our decisions".

But ALSO the next time that he is radically honest with you, tell him "Thank you for being honest".

Your reaction is not going to help you to get what you really desire (for him to honestly listen and care about your opinion and feelings).

You will get what you need eventually if you first STOP the love busters.

See�he is making a Selfish Demand that hurts you (a love buster) when he tells you to start cursing him. That takes AWAY from your love bank balance, and then you feel justified in also hurting him�so you respond with a Disrespectful Judgment. And then soon one of you will have an Angry Outburst!

So the next time that he asks for you to curse him, PLEASE just answer him "Ouch! It hurts me when you say that". This way, YOU are not joining in on the LoveBusters.

Then if your husband continues to say hurtful things, tell him that you both need a cool down break. Remove yourself from the room if need be (but kindly�do your best not to huff out of the room or throw something on the way) <---ask me how I know that THIS can happen!