Here's what Dr. Harley writes about the first steps to take place after an affair:


Here

Did you read this?

The Harleys say NOTHING and NO ONE should be a priority over your marriage. Not your job, not your family, not your children, not your faith. Certainly not a false friend who spat on her marriage so she could cop a feel. Marriage comes first. You have to take care of your right hand before both hands can achieve anything together.

I'm curious as to whether you would insist on keeping an affair partner around if you were lucky enough to be forgiven for one. I don't think you would somehow.




The sad thing is they have faced absolutely NO consequences at all! They are like little girls in their complete lack of taking responsibility for what happened here. It's almost like they think 'Whoops, we slipped and had sex. My bad.' What on earth is to stop them saying 'Whoops we did it again!'

Since you haven't said a word about exposure, I'm guessing that you've kept it a secret, so they've kept their self image, their reputation, OW has kept her boyfriend and they've even kept their ridiculous and irresponsible friendship unscathed. They have lost nothing, they have just neatly and selfishly slipped the entire burden of 'get over it' on to your plate. They've even got you believing you are insecure.

ANYBODY would be in this set up!!!

There has been no exposure (I'm guessing since I keep asking and you don't respond) and they have made no changes whatsoever, they have paid you zero compensation for your pain.

A couple of things:

1) Read up on exposure and Just Compensation
2) Can you tell us how old you both are, whether first marriage for both and whether any children and what ages?

No expose. Only us three know.


I am 31 and my wife is 27 (friend is same age) 1 child who is 3. First marriage.

Please read and listen to these clips. What is Just Compensation

Thank you. I will do that.



So I think I need to sit down with my wife and calmly explain to her the feelings I have been having and see what happens. This isn�t something I am going to be able to power through. I hate that I have to have this talk because the marriage has really been going well lately, but it�s not fair for me to have to sit here and try to deal with these feelings. Basically there was no consequences for my wife. She had her affair and got to continue to hang out with the friend as if nothing happened, while I am in agony all the time wondering what is going to happen when they are together. I was the one betrayed and I shouldn�t be beating myself over it when I didn�t do anything wrong.

Even though I didn�t demand my wife to end the friendship, I think my wife should have shown more sympathy to my feelings and stepped away from the friendship for a while, instead the both continue their friendship as if nothing happened. If my wife truly values our marriage she will understand when I explain this to her and step back for a while. If she gets upset and doesn�t want to, then maybe this is a marriage that needs to end.

I think my wife needs to do whatever in reason to help me get over my mental hurdles that she put up in this marriage. In the end, if that means ending a friendship with her best friend for over 20 years, then that is what needs to be done.

What about writing Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

No contact with the AP is for life.

Good for you. You are notifying her of the inevitable outcome. Nobody likes overdraft statements but they would hate not being notified even more. Don't let her drag you into any arguments or justifications. Just say that's how you feel, what you need to stay, and you thought she should know.

Hi Jayson, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I have been skimming your thread so I am just catching up.

Your idea of sitting down and having a discussion with her are good, but it won't save your marriage. You are dealing with the equivalent of an alcoholic in every respect. She is a) addicted and b) she is high on her affair. Trying to reason with a falling down drunk is never effective because they do not EMPLOY reason.

All that has happened here is that your wife changed the name of her affair to a "friendship" so it would be more palatable to you. Alcoholics try this stunt too. They pronounce themselves as "social drinkers" and call their drinks "business drinks" while they just get sneakier with their drinking.

Rather, the solution is to try to remove the source of the addiction so the addict will sober up. THEN that person can listen to reason and be sensitive enough to CARE about your issues. But a falling down drunk cannot do either of those things until he is sober. Do you understand?

This is why exposure is so critical to your success. It is the most important weapon in saving a marriage. Those of us on this forum who are in saved marriages attribute that to exposure. [and the subsequent recovery steps] But it killed the affair so we had a chance to save our marriage.

Exposure is like bringing in a crowd of onlookers to the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It is no fun to get high when people are watching with horror on their faces. It ruins the high!!

This is one rule in which I have never seen the exception so I will state that I am as sure as Dr Harley on this rule. Changing the name of a relationship from an "affair" to a "friendship" never works. Changing verbiage does not change reality. When feelings cross the romantic threshold they don't go back any more than an alcoholic's feelings for alcohol go back to normal. It doesn't happen. Rather, they just get stronger and stronger. And this OW is meeting his wife's needs on a DAILY BASIS so I don't believe for a moment that the feelings have lessened.

Jayson, another important point is that you need to insist that your wife dump this woman FOREVER, not just for a while. DON'T KICK THE CAN DOWN THE ROAD!

OK if there was no child I'd tell you to walk away (easier to fall in love with someone else than recover from adultery, specially at your age) but since there is a kid, this child's whole world needs to be protected by a serious-as-death-dad.

You need to expose this affair to the world, without warning either of the affairees what is going to happen.

Read Melody Lane's thread on how to do it RIGHT, all in one day and to create shock and awe.

The shock and awe of exposure is what you need to flip this thing round and back in your favour.

You drive the recovery bus.