Did your Marriage Counselor know that the two of you had several episodes of engaging in Threesomes?

Why does she feel that any counselor would just point out that she is wrong?

You seemseem to have been a willing co-conspirator to have actively participated in those threesomes.

How does that align with your chosen Username and your Vows to God and your Wife?

Was this current OW one of the women involved in a threesome with you?

Has your W been involved in a threesome with the OW and her current Husband?

LTL

Let me give you the MB definition of marriage - Marriage is a relationship of extraordinary care between a man and a woman. Do you see how your marriage is missing the mark? You have shown extraordinary lack of care by coercing your wife into these plural relationships. It is no wonder she is having an affair. That other person no doubt shows more true care than you do.

BTW, proper exposure INCLUDES exposure of your open marriage. Unless you are willing to tell everyone who could hold both of you accountable, you are never going to establish a healthy marriage.

Wow, no wonder she doesn't respect your marriage vows. If you can willingly invite a third party into your marriage bed, then what is wrong with her having someone else on the side? Pot, meet kettle.

You both have very poor boundaries.

Hosea,

In spite of what you did before you have an active affair to kill now, keep you eyes on that.

However did you apologize to your W for allowing, and participating perhaps, in this violation of your marriage vows?

God Bless
Gamma

No. It started as a friendship. However, I have recently found a message she sent that told someone she considered that the other woman�s husband would divorce her and she would be �available as a second wife to us� (which was news to me, I�d never considered her an �option�).

When the friendship first started, I was not strident about it ending, I was far too gentle � but I did not condone it. We always had rules that said we would not even consider a divorced woman � let alone one in an active marriage.



I don�t disagree. I am at fault for this. It is my responsibility.


I don�t deny that I have been emotionally abusive nor that I�m the cause of this predicament.


At first posting, I didn�t. As we discussed more and as I read more, I became more convinced I needed to discuss it. And then I posted it.

Yes. I�ve been brutally honest with all my counselors � including my pastors and longtime family friends. I own up to my mistakes and my failings.



She didn�t say, but I believe it�s because she is convicted of the Holy Spirit that what she�s doing with the other woman is wrong but she�s so enmeshed in the friendship that she doesn�t want to end it. Also, all her friends that know about the relationship have counseled her to end it (except one).


Yes, I was. I was wrong. I know that now.


I repented of this lifestyle in January 2013.

No. She is married. Married women were *off limits*. Divorced women were off limits. We had very specific rules. We actually deluded ourselves into thinking we were following scripture.


No. She finds him repulsive.


I�m content with that. I know that my sins must also be exposed. I�m prepared to accept the consequences. I�m responsible for it.


Agreed.


Yes. Extensively. Specifically.

How so?

It's a very long story. It involved talking with a bunch of different people. Suffice to say that I don't want to repeat any of it in case I were to lead someone else astray.

I was wrong. We were wrong. I repented of it. It's over.

Now I have to deal with the consequences and the fallout.

Here on Marriage Builders? I seriously doubt that.
Your matter-of-fact, "it happened. Deal with it", unrepentant air makes me wonder if this whole thread is a joke.

Convenient excuse.

You had the common sense to know some time ago that this was pertinent information for your counsellors to have, yet you did not think it pertinent for us to know until today. What was that?

You "own up" to your mistakes and failings, but you did not own up to us for some time, and you only admitted that it was a mistake and a failing when that was dragged out of you. Re-read the post in which you confessed and see if the swinging is described as a mistake or a failing.

I am repentant. When I first posted, I expected to share all the details, but the conversation moved all over the place. Nothing was "dragged out of me" - I volunteered the information.

I know my failings, I know my mistakes, I know my sins. I don't deny any of it.

What does my admission change in your guidance and suggestion on what to do?

Since I'm still gathering the information I need to expose, I haven't taken any action yet - what next? Do I re-write my letters? Do I change how I expose? Do I expose details about my failings, my mistakes, my sins?

I am not making excuses, I just know that there are many people who come to online forums who are not "whole hearted believers" and I don't want to be a stumbling block for anyone. If you want to send me a private message and I'll give you the details of why we thought we were acting scripturally, I'm happy to answer those questions.

When I said:

I was typing with a contrite spirit and a humble heart.

I was wrong. We were wrong. I repented of it. It's over.

I recognize the wrongness of it. I recognize that we both participated in it. I have turned away from it. It no longer has any draw or appeal to me. I want nothing to do with it, ever again.

You can't read emotion in the written word.

I am not excusing the behavior at all. I am admitting it was wrong.

Now....


What changes to your previous advice do you suggest now that you have this information?

Hosea,

Just treat your infidelity as seriously as your WWs, Your cheating on your WW does not cancel out her cheating on you, it just doubles the pain.

If any of the OW you were previously involved with were "single" but had boyfriends or fiancees who did not know, you need to make amends for harming them.

Have you exposed to your children yet? And does the OW see your children or act like a family member?

God Bless
Gamma

Private messaging has been disabled on this forum because it is too dangerous for married men and women to be discussing such things privately. There is a higher danger from that than anyone on marriage builders ever being led astray by your misinterpretation of scripture.

We never got involved with a woman who had a man in her life. There were only two women we were ever close to. Nothing since 2009.

The kids know about the polygamous relationships and they know that we're not interested in that path and consider it sin.

The other woman sees our children at school functions and field trips and sometimes when my wife trains or shops with her. Her kids are friends of our kids - though not close friends.

When the relationship was new (back in late 2011) and before it was revealed to have become an affair, the kids referred to each of the moms as "aunt" (our kids called the other woman aunt and her kids called my wife aunt).

Hosea,

The other woman sees our children at school functions and field trips and sometimes when my wife trains or shops with her. Her kids are friends of our kids - though not close friends.....(our kids called the other woman aunt and her kids called my wife aunt).

Almost before you separate your WW from OW you need to separate your kids from this relationship or rather this sickness. Your kids have to have NC as well.

When other mans kids are with your kids they are part of the affair in a sense, leaving OM completely abandoned, which may be part of whats fueling his rage.

God Bless
Gamma

Did you listen to these?

Yes, I listened.

I'm still curious about any different advice that would be offered. So far I've heard and read the same advice regardless of my involvement in creating the environment that was accepting of the affair.

Is there some different advice or different wording to suggest to my exposure letters that I posted?

My vote is to go forward as planned. The goal here is to bust up her affair and save your marriage. Since you have repented of your own affairs, it is not an issue today. That being said, you should realize that you invited this adultery into your marriage. Swinging is adultery, period. You set the stage here. And hopefully it can be brought back from the dead.