Hi,
I'm new here, found out on Saturday night husband was having an affair, I confronted him, he left , after few days and after finding MB and at my request he came back home. He Is also an alcoholic that has been sober on & off our whole 31 year marriage, ( mostly sober) but started drinking again by his admission about a week ago. We have had 2 sessions in counseling with MB, also with an addiction specialist and he has started an alcohol recovery program. He sent the no contact letters today ( there were 2 over the last 8 months). The session today knowing he has to divulge all to me , and This really put him over the edge it seems. He is very depressed , way more than what I have read is what I should expect in The Basic Concepts.
I think if I didn't initiate the counseling, the addiction treatment etc, he would be gone, and maybe I should give him that permission. I am devastated as I'm sure you can imagine and I don't want to leave but maybe I should .

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who is the OW? Who are you coaching with through MB?

Who all knows about his affair? Does he have a sponsor?

Hi Roobs, welcome to Marriage Builders. Who are you counseling with at Marriage Builders?

Has all contact with the OW ended? Is she married? Has the affair been exposed?

We are working with Steve, and yes the affair has been exposed to some people,, I told the Ow son( and I know he has confronted her) and I have called the OOW and threatened to tell the oow husband , we were scheduled to meet but then my husband revealed the relationship to me and we had a session with Steve so I did not follow through with that meeting with her, I did threaten to tell her husband if she did not respond to my calls which is why she even agreed to meet with me I'm sure, but so far has not been exposed to her(OOW other other woman) family.I think it will get out though as this is a small town and whether we stay together or not , it will end up being kind of obvious . yes all contact has ended as far as I know . My husband has agreed to all the things I have asked / Steve has asked so far, but husband is NOT happy about it. He says he feels like I'm in control of everything and yet I feel totally out of control. Yes he has a sponsor . I'm not to sure about the guy I don't know him well enough. The OW , is someone he trains ( he is a personal trainer 60 yrs old) and also someone he was seriously trying to go into business with , so there was a lot of time spent together by them. The OOW is also a business partner who he had a brief affair with but had ended but was still doing business with, weight loss , fitness etc. the most current OW live here part time and in Another country part time. She is not here right now at least as far as I know. Does that info help? He is so depressed I don't know from which moment to the next if he will leave or stay and I am making myself sick over it.
Also , sister in law knows, 1 son knows, 2 good friends of mine know. Husband says his sponsor knows and has known for some time, also husband was seeing a counselor that has known for some time, other than that not sure

Exposure to OW's husband is a must!!!!!

Surely you see that the affairees enlisted you to do damage control before you could extend the hand to help this poor man?

It also leaves her free to continue the A on her side with no one watching her.

Why on earth did you 'threaten' to help him instead of simply assisting this poor man?

I cannot believe Steve Harley knows and approves of your decison to help deceive the other victim.

That is where you should start then. Expose immediately to the OW's husband. Family, children and friends should also be informed. The more people who know, the more people to hold them accountable.

I would do this without forewarning your spouse.


That is good. If there is a section of his life that is hidden so that you don't know, I would focus on finding ways to snoop so you do know.

What areas are you most concerned about?


Do all of your children know? I would tell his parents, family members and his sponsor.

Another thing you should know is that many affairs BEGIN at AA. He should be going to all men's groups.

Has Steve discussed finding another career with your husband? Since he has had TWO affairs now, it is obvious that the career is the environment in which he has affairs. Affairs are RAMPANT in the personal training/gym business.

If you want this pattern to change, then the environment that led to the affairs has to change. It is like the alcoholic. When an alcoholic wants to sober up, he has to stay out of bars and get the booze out of his house. It is the same with adultery.

And yes, AA meetings are adultery hot spots. Crazy, unstable, compulsive, selfish men and women sit around and talk about their personal lives. That is a set up for affairs. That is why it is a good idea to stay away from co-ed meetings.

I hadn't thought about the AA meeting thing. I don't know how to contact the OOW husband as of yet , but I can enlist some help to find him. She has kept anything online COMPLETELY secret regarding her husband. Steve did actually agree to not contacting her family for reasons I cannot say. All my children will know as soon as I can get ahold of the other one.and husbands parents too. My husband has told me today to tell people , ,it's going to be hard for ME. If I knew he was committed to working on the marriage I would feel good about telling people that but if he is going to leave me I just would rather say it in a different way.
Thanks for the support, it really helps❤️

also , no we have not discussed husband finding another career as of yet. we have discussed me becoming more involved, but all that is hard to do when I cant even get him to commit to staying here. also I took a leave of absence from work because I am crying alot and I work in a retail setting and a lot of people know us.

There aren't any reasons for not exposing to the other victim. They don't exist.

There are some reasons for not doing exposure at all - such as having a violent spouse. But even then, the advice would be to cut your losses and divorce since recovery is impossible without exposure. Affairs continue without exposure.

Right now she is free to contact your H whenever she chooses and if she were to do that the trigger might be enough to draw him back in.

No wonder you feel so uncertain about what he will do.

I am baffled by your claim that Steve H has said this is OK and that it's alright to allow her H to be cheated on in ignorance, while also leaving your own marriage open to attack. It's an MB must that you expose. I've never heard of this advice being given elsewhere.

Particularly since it was the two adulterers who cooked up the idea of you talking to her rather than to him. What purpose did that serve? She already knew she was having an affair!

!

Pleas don't worry, we will get you through this no matter what he does. We have all experienced this pain and come out the other side triumphant.

there is a threat of violence, and i might not have been clear, I was the one who contacted her and threatened to contact her husband if she did not meet me. I did not show up for the meeting with her .
Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate it

there is a threat of violence, and i might not have been clear, I was the one who contacted her and threatened to contact her husband if she did not meet me. I did not show up for the meeting with her .
Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate it

Has she told you her husband is violent?

90 percent of OW say that. Women who are genuinely abused are too scared to do the laundry wrong. They don't have sex with other men!

It's just a neat trick to win the sympathy of other men and to prevent their H's from finding out.

One of our vets discovered an affair two years after the other spouse did. When she asked the man why he had helped the affair partners lie to her, he said he had been told the affair was over and that he had been told lies she was unstable. He also hid it from his children, who actually knew but were hiding it from him too. With everyone scared into silence the affair was free to continue. It wasn't until our friend discovered it that was properly exposed and ended.

It's very easy to continue an affair when it's been covered up on one side. That's why the affair partners want your help doing that.

It is very important that you find this man and epxose the affair to him. If not, the OW is free to pursue your husband and he is free to pursue her. This is a critical first step in the recovery of your marriage.

Do you have her address? If so, you can maybe drive there with a friend and tell him in person. Someway, somehow, you really need to find him and tell him.


here


Good girl! I understand it will be hard for you, but it will be much harder to HIDE the affair. It will come out eventually and you need the support of your family. Your husband needs the support too.

I am sorry he knows you will be telling others because it is supposed to be done without his foreknowledge. But that can't be helped now so I would encourage you to tell these folks.
Exposure is THERAPEUTIC and good for all.

Does he want to leave you? It sounds to me like he is setting the conditions for recovery and that is not a good thing. He is not qualified or any position to set the conditions for his return. It is very important that you hold him accountable and make sure he understands he will have to make you safe in the future. I can't imagine you would ever feel safe with him still working as a PT since that is how his affairs started!!

Here are the conditions for recovery outlined by Dr Harley in Survivng an Affair. If he won't do these things then recovery is impossible and Dr Harley would recommend separation:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

And whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM about your plans to contact the OW's husband. That should come as a complete surprise.

I may not have been clear, I arranged the meeting with the OOW and I did not show up for it, because we ended up in session with Steve. And yes there is a threat of violence. I hope that helps make my situation more clear
Thanks for your help I really appreciate it.

What is an OOW and who has made a threat of violence against whom?

The OOW( other other woman) , is an affair he had several months ago that has since ended, it is not the current OW. The threat comes from her husband , currently the Consensus is the threat is real. The violence would be from her husband toward my husband and her.

Your H told you this because she told him this? What consensus do you mean?

Many OW say this and then when exposure happens it isn't true.