LISTEN!

Are you willing to write a No Contact letter and let your husband send it?
Will you consent to your husband monitoring all your activity to verify you do not have contact with OM?

I've tried to respect my wife's space by staying off of this thread, but I feel there are a few other mitigating factors that she has neglected to mention. #1 Her younger sister is now in the first semester of college and has this "person" as one of her professors. My wife has been going to the college to help her study. #2 My wife has also started going to the ymca by this college more frequently. #3 The email she mentioned she attempted to send to this professor just last Wednesday had 4 picture attachments I was unable to open and the subject line read "P***y and getting ready for bed"

In regards to #2 Ymca, we have a ymca about 5 min from our house that we typically go to. The one she has been going to by the school is about 20 min away

I went to the college and the gym out there ONE time on the same day and I am helping my sister study because I have amazing grades in the science she is also studying. When H told me that it bothered him I went I haven't helped her study since.
As for the E-mail the title was meant to say "your a [censored], going to bed" because at the end of the summer I made a joke if you don't E-mail me your a p***y and he said "people still say that?" The photo was a picture of my face and I couldn't figure out how to attach it or send it because I don't use E-mail much. So to address those issues. But this is an example of how H will not respect boundaries and will never ever ever stop rehashing this. It's literally hours a day.

Also last night we were talking and he told me he is "the head of this household" and I have to do things his way. He is saying things in an even more controlling way than when he lived here. He said he is coming home for 2 weeks to finish work and I can live wherever I want. I KNOW I messed up and I am willing to take some of the steps posted above to get trust back, but I can NOT live in hell anymore!!!

Also if you look on his thread he basically will not respond to most advice, he won't come right how he is staying in Florida until he feels like it later this week. He didn't agree to never touch me again or try to force me to sleep with him or sleep in bed in bed with him and he didn't agree to stop waking me up at night. All he said was he "wouldn't harp on".

Again to his post I have gone to that YMCA ONE time since summer started and that was after I helped my sister study. I am training for triathalon in July.

I disagree that my husbands current behavior was brought on by A. What about the 2 weeks of sexual hell last winter? And the porn? and the previous suicide threats? Are those something I should ignore because of what I did 3 months ago?

Actually in regards to my head of household comment, i told my W that I had been grovelling recently with very little positive response from her and that had compromised my identity as a man and as the head of household. I told her that was going to stop and if we are to get through this, it needs to be equal effort from both parties. You see how that was twisted though.

I didn't realize that is what H meant.

I dont like the term head of the household, but I do think its good be a leader and have dignity.

The point of this forum is to instruct people in the use of MB principles to build great marriages. We don't facilitate fights.

Both of you have a long way to go. Hopefully, you will stay around here long enough for some of MB to rub off on you. You both desperately need to read the book " Love Busters" and take it to heart.

DDless - you seem clueless when it comes to your affair. You act like it is no big deal. It is the elephant in the room. For you to not acknowledge this makes you look like an entitled wayward. Maybe you are an entitled wayward, but why would you want to campaign for that title here? We might as well give you a pointed hat and make you sit in the tall chair in the corner.

There is a very narrow path for recovery after an affair. If you are going to save your marriage, you are going to have to stay on that path. You are going to have to follow a set of Extraordinary Precautions that will make affairs essentially impossible. If you are serious about saving your marriage, you are going to have to cooperate in defining these EPs, and you are going to have to follow them. You know how your affair happened. You know the independent behaviors you are engaged in that feed your addiction. Do you want help? Then stop defending the indefensible.

The more I read the more I agree with all of you that I have been clueless. I am working on that thinking right now.

You have a lot of NERVE and GALL talking about "boundaries" when you have none. The reason this is being rehashed is because YOU ARE STILL DOING IT! You want it to stop? THEN STOP DOING IT!! This has nothing to do with "rehashing" this has everything to do with your feeling entitled to some weird kind of gag order. You have no such entitlement.

He is *NOT* obliged to stop talking about it when he discovers you still contacting this POS. Every time you break extraordinary precautions, expect it to come up again.

Give your husband full access to your computer. Stay away from the college. Send this loser a no contact letter and let your husband mail it.

In addition to this letter, I wonder if your mother would contact this dirtbag and run him off? We have had many caring parents intervene in this way and it has been very successful. I know if my son were having an affair, I would certainly step in and send her packing!

Did you download Surviving an Affair yet? Here is the no contact letter that Dr Harley recommends:

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Gadishaw,

You need to get off your wife's thread. If you can't maintain this boundary how are you going to be able to handle the work needed to save you marriage. You guys fighting on a thread is not going to help your marriage in fact it makes it harder to save your marriage.

As for the head of household comment, I personally don't mind it as long as you mean you are responsible for the state of you marriage and not you are in charge of your household. Assuming you considered this a Biblical tenant then I want you to know that no where in the Bible does it say husbands you must you have the responsibility of ruling over your wife.

In fact if you are considering just looking at what God tells you to do as a husband in scriptures like Ephesians 5:25-33(NIV)

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church� 30 for we are members of his body. 31 �For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.� 32 This is a profound mystery�but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, [b]each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

You can only conclude that he wants her to have equal rights and in some cases she may even seem to have more rights then you. The Policy of Joint Agreement is Biblically based and you should use it to come to decisions in your household.

Even though your wife had an Affair which I wholeheartedly agree with everyone on this thread is the worse thing someone could do to their marriage and family, you have to eventually understand it didn't happen in a vacuum and changes will also have to be done on your end.

Your wife was not in love with you before she had an affair not just because, and both of you have to take responsibility for that. The fact that you had more love for her meant she was doing a better job meeting your emotional needs then you were (not that I think she was doing a great job with that) of course it's impossible to meet emotional needs when you guys have no awake time alone.

You need to post that on his thread, not hers!

I agree, I can't expect him to change things if I'm still thinking about this guy and almost contacting him. I realized that this morning that is a really wrong way to think. I am trying to be 100% in this starting today, no matter how lonely I feel.

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I also told him this morning I'd take steps so he can feel more trustworthy such as the steps on the checklist.

Please listen to these and tell us what you think.
What is Just Compensation