I understand that changes must be made on my end. I have promised her no more porn, waking her up at night, or groping and also that so long as she takes the measures required to prevent contact like this ever again with another man, that I will never bring the issue up again. I have many other flaws that Ive been working on to improve our relationship as well. I know we can be strong again over time. I do appreciate all of the advice and constructive criticism Ive received.

Wait, wait, WAIT! You wrote an email to OM, which included pictures (who cares of what) AND used sexual wording, and you're upset because your husband doesn't respect your boundaries?

Who gives a flying flip if it was never sent.

I asked you some questions. Will you please answer them?

Please answer these.

If he was abusive before your affair, and I believe you when you say he was, then you should have separated and/or divorced. Retaliating with your own abuse was not the answer. It has only made things worse. Your recovery will now be HARDER and LONGER.

NO, you shouldn't ignore the abuse. But nothing he has ever done to you justifies what you have done to him..

Word. QFT. x10

Prisca knows whereof she speaks - both of us were extremely disrespectful and abusive, and both of us have overcome that to form a wonderful marriage.

There's a simple Marriage Builders rule that isn't always made obvious; if your spouse breaks one of the rules, don't respond by breaking the rules yourself.

As Prisca said, when you retaliate, all you do is make the problem WORSE.

At Marriage Builders, we can teach you to protect yourself from abuse so that you do not have to endure it. Then there is no point in retaliating; you just follow your plan to protect yourself.

If both of you are willing to follow the plan here, you can recover from this and have a great marriage, and there will be no fighting.

If you are willing to follow the plan here but your husband tries to make exceptions for himself for his own disrespectful judgments and abuse toward you, then we will help YOU protect yourself and separate from him.

If your husband is willing to follow the plan here, but you want to make exceptions for friendships of the opposite sex or something like that, then we will help him protect himself from you.

If both of you are willing to follow the plan, but one or both of you has trouble sticking to it, we can help with that also. (We have definitely been through it!)

So we really need to know the answers to Prisca's questions: are you willing to write a letter to your former affair partner telling him you will never see or talk to him again and let your husband send it - and are you willing to let your husband do whatever it takes to privately verify that you are sticking to no contact?

In addition to those two items, one of the first things that needs to happen is that both of you need to quit justifying yourself based on the other's behavior. If your spouse breaks the rules, don't break the rules yourself - it's a simple as that. We will gladly help you get away and protect yourself from an abusive husband, even if you have previously had an affair. We have done that before and will do it again. But you also need to recognize and eliminate your own abusive behavior, which includes the things you did that led to your affair.

Start your own thread!

As to the topic of this thread, When is the NC letter going out and what will you do to ensure and prove NC?

I am absolutely willing to write that letter and give him passwords and change #'s. That is fine with me and I'll do it today or when he comes home from Florida he can send it. I don't have any addresses and only one E-mail of his but I have no problem writing and telling him we can't ever hang out. Granted I haven't seen or talked to him since early/mid May but if it helps I will.
I want to fix my end so I know that I did my best. I agree that justifying abuse with abuse has to stop for us both.

I want to be sure I am giving this 100% on my end, I am seeing that now.

I agree. I think I probably should have left him during the winter when these sexual issues of forcing himself on me came to a head. We have twin toddlers and I was delaying it. I didn't know about the porn and he said when he was doing that he had stopped watching porn and wanted to have sex all of the time. Before that he never wanted me. I thought it was because I had twins and he was dealing with sexual issues with my body changing and I tried to be understanding. That was around the time my feelings changed a LOT for him and I felt like I couldn't trust him anymore. Then I just pushed those feelings away and tried to tell myself it's normal after twins to have issues and to let it go. I should have been more open that things had changed and the abuse needed to stop or I'd have to leave.

yes

Both you and your husband are saying things that seem hopeful, but the disrespectful judgements you throw at each other are hard to avoid. You need to stop hurting each other. The love busters have to stop - immediately.

Okay, what you need to do is write that letter and post it here for review. Look up the sample letter in SAA to help you wrote an appropriate one.

Give your husband access to all your accounts today. Change your phone number and email today. Are you on Facebook? Delete your account there. And start brainstorming ideas for what you can do as far as a job, because you cannot go back to school. Any place you work will need to have only female co-workers. You cannot be trusted alone around the opposite sex.

You can't have any contact at all with him. You can't email, text, talk, see or even risk any of those.

You must be completely transparent with everything, if your H doesn't trust you to go out alone, you shouldn't CHEATING should be impossible.

Once you do this everything isn't rainbows and unicorns, it will take a long time of thsi for your H to even think of trusting you again.

I will give you perspective, I lost a daughter at age 5 (to cancer) and dealing with my WW's adultery has been worse to me. The hurt and sadness hasn't but I feel as I have no support and am on my own and I feel like the one person I could count on was never there andI could not count on them. It is a very humiliating, lonely and isolated feeling. With the loss of a child you at least have support.

So it is ok for YOU to continually bring up his sins of the past, but he is not allowed to do the same? If you want him to stop it, then you need to do the same. Women are not gifted with a special girl entitlement to do what they demand others not do.

Remember, it is your thinking that got you in this mess. I don't care if the two of you agreed that it is okay for you to go back to school. It is very easy to agree to a course of action that will destroy your marriage.

What's to keep you from having an affair with your new professor?

Do you have Facebook?

I think going to school and how to handle yourself so you don't get into another situation should be a question for the Harley's.

You shouldn't have to give up your opportunity to pursue a career but you must also do so in a way that protects your H. Going back to the same routine will lead to the same results and if your M is at risk because of you going to school then that is when it is no longer an option. Speak to the Harleys about this subject because nothing should be more important than your M or should put your M at risk.

The fact that I have learned how stupid and destructive it is and have no respect for that or myself if I keep it up. That I want to save my family. I get I wasn't thinking of that before, but I have never been through this either. I appreciate your reply I REALLY Do. Maybe ask my husband what he thinks on his thread? Maybe he can explain his thinking?

I did E-mail him as well. I am waiting to hear his reply. I will of course make the decision in the end with my husband but I want expert and veteran advice. I do appreciate all of your comments!

I do and no the prof does not. He never has he's 16 YO older than me and has no idea about social media. I run a small biz from my FB and H has acess to it 24/7. I told H to look him up if he wants. He's not online.

sorry if this is the wrong thread!!!