I get hit on, too. The difference is that you see it as a compliment, and I see it as something to run away from.

Indie girl that is so not true at all. I wish you would read both our threads. [/quote]

I know there is porn and other history and it IS unacceptable. However that has zip to do with your affair. Flirting with a loser caused your affair. You sound like a little girl when you fail to accept responsibility and consequences for YOUR actions.

I am not even sure you've told us the whole truth much less him. I would offer to take a polygraph and answer every question he has so he can know you are being honest then he can move on and you don't have to talk about it anymore.

You do need to realize that alot of work on your part is going to have to go into saving this marriage way more than it took to build your marriage in the first place. You need to provide Just Compensation and make-up for the pain you've cause or else resentment and bitterness is going to grow for your H and it will be unsalvageable.

I know there is porn and other history and it IS unacceptable. However that has zip to do with your affair. Flirting with a loser caused your affair. You sound like a little girl when you fail to accept responsibility and consequences for YOUR actions.




[/quote]

It does not have zip to do with the affair.

Feeling totally hopeless right now. What can I do besides agree to what he wants to trust me more. You guys want me suffer and trust me if you had lived with him for the last 3 weeks you'd see I have.

It does not have zip to do with the affair. [/quote]

That's exactly why I would counsel your H not to trust you. Your faithfulness is conditional on how well he performs and it is an abusive strategy.

My H had an affair with my best friend and I remained faithful throughout his complete lack of remorse, and a year's separation until the divorce was final.

I'm pretty damn hot too. However, I don't like losers who prey on married women.

YOU choose when to be faithful and when not to be regardless of your spouse's actions. You are dangerous if you don't know how to do this.

So are you still thinking your entitled to something? Obviously you still don't understand what you've done, your H does have the right to divorce you and he is entitled that choice. He didn't ask you to go cheat, you didn't ask him if was ok, he go no say in your decision.

What makes you think you have a say in his or that he owes you anything?

No one her has the power to make you do anything. Also, no one here forced you to do actions that now have consequences.

Don't recover and get divorced if it's too hard - however you won't find that avenue consequence free either.

Any fool knows that crapping where you eat, and messing up your study course will lead to bad consequences.

Luckily for you, your H is (for now) willing to help you out of your own mess. He won't be for long if you continue to abuse his good nature and talk about how hard this all is FOR YOU

We want both of you to be accountable to each other and want you to build a fulfilling and loving marriage. You obviously don't know how to do that and we are telling you how, you just don't listen.

A fulfilling M is one where both of you are safe, get your needs met and have fun together. Why is time with other people better to you? Why is transparency to your spouse so dreadful to you? You know everything you do, you should and will receive yourself under the MB program.

Its not about punishing you, its about being accountable to each other and making each other happy. NOBODY ELSE MATTERS!

Ok I am not sure if its the lack of sleep or the twins or what but I am in a fog right now and totally confused. I thought I said I'd be transparent to him and switch schools and do basically whatever he wants. I am not sure where this is going I am maybe it's just that I am not reading everything.

I do not think you are a piece of crap. I do think you should value your marriage more than I do.

Of what value is your degree if you lose your marriage in the process?

If you're willing to do the full recovery, that's great news.

While your H can heal himself if he wants to alone (I did) it's better that you are willing to do it, especially as you have children relying on you both.

Some hard work short term will make easier work long term.

Nobody wants you to suffer. We want YOU to have a spectacular marriage where YOU are happy. We want to help YOU get that.

But it is a narrow road to get there.

Hon, I've been where you are. Why would I want you to suffer? I want you too have what I have.

I do not think you are a piece of crap. I do think you should value your marriage more than I do.[/quote]

Good heavens, no one thinks that. No matter what you choose.

Also this board is full of former cheats who are wonderful people (the best people I have ever encountered) who turned heaven and earth to undo what they did without the slightest complaint.

You won't always be judged by this last action. You will be judged in the future by your NEXT action.

Right, nobody thinks you're a bad person but we are trying to get you to understand and learn how to have a happy, fulfilling marriage if that is what you choose.

If that's not what you want then fine but be honest with your H and let him go on his way. Don't try to negotiate with him and play games with him because that just puts him through more pain and he's already had more than anyone should ever have.

Well, you are picking a course that doesn't offer much hope. Remaining in the circumstances that led to the affair will not lead to marital recovery.


I wouldn't use his opinions or your opinions as the guide to recovery. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?


It is disrespectful to tell us how we feel. You are not a mind reader and do not know our feelings, and nobody here has said that you ought to suffer. As I repeated before, we want to help, and if you jump into the recovery plan with both feet you will do exactly that.

Have you gotten a chance to write that No Contact letter yet?

Did you post this for the dramatic effect? If so, it didn't work on me. No one here has said or indicated they want you to suffer.

DDless,
I've been following your thread, and wanted to add - I am also a FWW, I am also a registered nurse with a BScN. My BH is/was a driller on the oil rigs. He took a HUGE pay cut due to my affair, as did I, we moved across the country and for a while we were "scrapping" by, but that was what was needed to save my marriage.
It CAN be done IF you want to put in the work.

I understand the WW mindset because I lived it. There's a lot of resentment and justification about the behavior. A lot of husband bashing and ramping up to make it seem okay. But it's not. And it takes awhile to really see things from a different angle...the angle of how this affects others, especially one's spouse.

It stinks too because bringing up any complaints about how much a spouse annoys you and why you drifted away is dismissed once adultery is exposed. It's embarrassing and depressing to be caught messing around.

But I hope you'll stick with this for a while. Just think about what people are saying. Try to see it with less emotion. There is really good advice here that if followed can lead you to happiness and connection in your marriage.

Stay open to learning more and waking up more. Affairs get us 'out of it.' Time to come back now.