Here's the show Radio Clip of 8-14-14

thanks!

You're welcome.

We had trouble using POJA for driving stuff. I recall there was a show or maybe a thread that talked about how the Harleys POJAd driving, can someone point me to it?

We hit a bump last night. I've noticed DH is not a good taker, he will never complain, or say anything. He usually just capitulates.

For instance, I'm a much slower driver and usually say something when I feel he is driving too fast. I try to be considerate and try to respectfully convince him. He will just slow down and not say anything. After a few weeks of this, I asked him one night if he was uncomfortable with me commenting about his driving. His first reaction was a big no. No problem. But I pushed a little bit, and he finally admited to being bothered by my comments.

I tried POJA it but he will say "that is alright, I'll just drive slower". I kinda let it go, since we were getting worked up, and I stopped commenting about his driving.

Last night I tried to bring the topic again. I said, you never complain about anything, is there anything I do that bothers you. Again I had to push it a little, and finally he admited he disliked my napping when I got home from work. I was a bit surprised, since he is always either joining me for a nap, or encouraging me to take one. So I was genuinely curious, and I asked him, what would you like me to do instead. He went round and round about stuff, until he finally admited, that it wasn't my napping but he was bored.

He starts online classes in a few weeks, but being at home doesn't suit him.

I don't mind the fact that he is not happy at home, we can always POJA it. What is really making noise is that he is never voicing anything.

I feel really bad about this situation, we have worked for more than 6 mos, everything is going smoothly, but he is not able to bring his taker to the table. There are no AO at all, I have been very carefull about DJ, and I do ask him, but if I don't have his feedback, there is only so much I can do.

How do I encourage him to be more transparent?

Watch it, Alada...

Nearly always, when you use the phrase, "you never... (do X)..." you are being disrespectful.

Try, instead, to say, "I would love it if you would tell me when something bothers you. Even if it is just a little bother. I really want to fix these things, and I need you to tell me about them. Can you help me with this?"

Then, when he does, express your thanks to him, for being a true partner in bettering the marriage.


One more thing. Dr. H says that women are usually irritated by their husbands more than men are irritated by their wives. It could be that you don't do much that irritates him.

Thanks Catwhit, I see my mistake

How do you know when you need ADs?

Here are some symptoms of depression:

• Persistent sad, anxious or �empty� feelings
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  Irritability, restlessness, anxiety
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Insomnia, waking up during the night, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

From this resource: National Institute of Mental Health

Thanks FtF

How are you doing Alada?

I'm feeling a bit low, I have been planning an upcoming trip and it is right around Dday. H is coming, and we are bot very excited, but I can't help it.

thanks for asking blindsighted, you are always so kind

It sounds like you may need ADs. Can you follow up with your doctor?

A trip away together sounds like a large does of UA time, so that is good.

Recovery IS hard work and we get tired. Exercise helps me a lot, and I notice that I feel differently when I've missed it. Almost like UA time, haha!

I usually do yoga, but I have neglected it for a few months, maybe I should get back into it.

I will call my doctor today to see if I can get the same ADs I got at the begining of the year. They were very very helpful then.

I would also start-up your exercise regimen again. It will help so much.

How long do you keep up wiht the snooping?
I havea gps service in his cell phone. He is well aware of that but seriously is getting boring, I just see my texts, 100s of them

Dh started online classes, we found a neat career for him online. We are both excited. Just wondering if I need to install spyware on the computer now. He is not computer savy by all means, I usually just check the history, and that will give me all the details.

I don't feel I need it right now, but just wanted to ask you what your opinion is on this.

Dr. Harley suggests snooping until you're bored. Don't give it up entirely, though; accountability keeps us "in line."

We are reding now He wins she wins. It is a great read. Just by reading the back cover I got all excited!!

We had no idea we could do love deposits when arguing, whole new definition of marriage for us. If you have not read it, I highly recomend it.

Hi Alada!

That was and is a big one for us also. Negotiating respectfully really feels GREAT, doesn't it? It definitely empowers couple-ness.