My husband and I have always been very sexually active. We have been together for over 17 years and on average had been having sex at least 4 or more times a week. Sometimes when home alone on the weekends with nothing to do we might have it 2 or 3 times a day. His age is 56 and I am 44. Recently I had a procedure done to avoid the "monthly" time out period. Ever since, my husband has been wanting sex EVERY day and most times 2 or 3 times a day. I am happy that he is still interested in me and we are still in love. It's not that I don't want the sex, it's just a little overwhelming and a little too much!! And I also would feel a lot better about it if he didn't get so mad when I occasionally tell him no. He takes it so personal or something. I am confused and worried because it is like the more he gets the more he wants. I almost feel like it has turned into an addiction that cannot be satisfied. Can you please tell me what I am missing here? I need help because I want to please my husband and keep him happy. I am really hurt that he does not care about my feelings of needing love more than needing sex 2 or 3 times a day. He is a good man and I do feel he loves me. I am just trying understand what is going on and how to talk to him about my feelings without hurting his "ego." Is it his age? Do you think he his trying to stay "young"?? We have taken tests on how we accept and show love and sex is one of his top ways. I want to receive all of his love but I feel unloved when he gets mad because I may say no. What can we do so we are both happy and both feel loved?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Have you read the basic concepts?

First, his angry outbursts and disrespect judgements must stop. As long as he continues to have these, you will likely not feel like having sex as often as he wants.

Second, he needs to be taking you out on dates four times a week to meet the intimate emotional needs of Affection, Intimate Conversation and Recreational Companionship. You will likely be more willing to have sex as often as he wants if he does this. How much time alone together are you getting each week? Doing what?

And finally, Dr. Harley says that the spouse with the lower sex drive should have sex as often as the spouse with the higher drive wants, BUT it should be done in a way that is enjoyable to the spouse with the lower drive (you). If you are not enjoying it, something needs to change.

Btw, you calling him a sex addict is a Disrespectful Judgement. He is not a sex addict. He simply has different emotional needs than you do.

We work together and are at home together most of the time. I feel we don't have a lot of intimate conversations. He does take me out to eat but we need help with conversation. He is a quiet man and I am a quiet person. I have discussed this with him. I have told him we need to have more talks. I have begged him to discuss what he "dreams" about. Trouble is he's a realist and doesn't dream. He only sees black and white and responds with negative comments about things not changing unless his pay increases. How can I get him to open up to me?

Thanks for the reference material. I have read your suggestions and have also asked my husband to read them as well. Yes, I do enjoy sex with my husband I just get hurt because I don't feel like I have an option to say no because he gets mad at me.

Am I trying to be as controlling as he is by wanting the option to say no? I only ask for that option maybe once a week.

Thanks for pointing out my negative comment about my husband. Is there a way to change the title?

jgm, welcome to MB, as much as you appreciate his drive towards you, it sounds like you need to do some negotiating with him. You need to come up with a win win situation, a great book for you both to read is "He wins, She wins".

You need to ask your husband to go back to having sex 4 times a week until you guys can come to a mutually agreeable plan moving forward.

I believe the plan should include him meeting your most important intimate emotional needs at the same rate as you are meeting his. I don't know how long the sex last each time but he has to understand meeting your intimate emotional needs will take a lot longer. Of course these are just ideas which may help you start brain storming.

You may be afraid of losing him when you reduce his sex but you won't. You have been meeting his top intimate emotional need and he is head over hills in love with you because of it. If you are not happy with the things that are happening in your marriage, he would be willing to accommodate you because he is head of hills in love with you.

What he wouldn't like is you not letting him know how serious his actions are affecting your love for him. So sit him down and explain that, not when he is asking to make love to you but at other times of the day like when you are eating together. If all you are doing is having sex then wait about an hour after you have finished, then bring up the subject. He may not see his actions as abusive and hurtful towards your love for him, and he is relying on you to let him know.

I would also consider that he may be taking a sex aid that is altering his drive because of his fear that if he doesn't meet that need for you because of the age difference he may lose you. I would carefully ask him about that as well. Often when SF is a top need for someone (usually men), they have a hard time understanding that your need for SF is different and not as intense, so they do a lot of things to meet that for you thinking if they didn't they would lose you.

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do feel like if I don't give in he might look else where to full fill his need. I am a very insecure person and need to allow myself to realize he loves me.

For every time he wants sex, he needs to first take you out on a 3-4 hour date and TALK to you. Every time. Staying home together and working together do not count. It needs to be a DATE out of the house.

Will he start taking you on dates?

You both need to take the control out of it. This is something you need to do TOGETHER, not something you take turns controlling.

It also leaves your marriage in a vulnerable place because your need for intimate conversation is not being met. All it takes another man, (that you may not be attracted to at all) to start meeting that need.

He is at the perfect place in his love for you to help him meet that need. Dr. H say the person who needs to have that need meet should become more interested in subjects that the person meeting that need is interested in. It sounds like that may be tough but once he understands that he need to meet that need for you to continue meeting his, I believe he will be very helpful in finding mutual conversational subjects to talk to you about.

If he is really having a hard time with that he should read some of Dr. H's articles on the subject to help him start learning to become better at that skill. If he loves you (which I believe he does), he will put in that effort. And, he wouldn't feel comfortable having you meet his need for SF if you are not enjoying it as much as he is because of your needs that are not being meet as vigorously.

No he would not be willing to do that EVERY time. Maybe I settle for too little but I also would not expect that every time. I do wish he would open up and talk to me. I wish he would spend quality time with me even if it was just at home.

You should be saying no and your H should listen up. Dr Harley has treated many women for sexual aversions because they had unwilling sex. A refusal to accept the word 'no' is a selfish demand, aka lovebuster. So when he lovebusts you for saying no, it will hurt.

Lovebusters (like trying to label your H a sex addict) are natural. When we are frustrated and unhappy it's natural to try and teach the other person your perspective. However the fact is it is natural for you both to feel differently about this. The two of you will really benefit from reading up on lovebusters.

Dont be tempted to 'give in' though! You enjoy sex and are attracted to your H - that's a good thing! You could ruin all that and develop an aversion to him if you are persuaded you have no choice and can't say no. That will ruin it and rob it of all fun for you.

It sounds a lot like the two of you haven't got any other kinds of recreation on the go. If you were having 15 hours UA time I doubt there would be time for this. You need love and affection, he needs recreation. Interestingly, men often view sex as recreation and can enjoy it without any need for bonding. This usually doesn't go down so well with their wives. This may be why you have been the one to spot the problem with the current set up.

Marriages don't work without varied UA time!

Thanks. I will look up Dr H's articles and ask him to read them. I have took up a lot of hobby's that my husband likes such as fishing, watching baseball, watching nascar and things like that.

Yes, you are right I do enjoy being able to please my husband.

Can you explain what UA time is?

Ohh I found info on UA. Thanks

Here and listen to the clips that are in here. Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

Yes, you are settling for far too little.
You need your emotional needs met just as much as he needs his.

I just listened to Dr. Harley's response on your situation. Here's what I got out of it:

Both you and your H enjoy sex; the problem is that your H is demanding it. The demands affect you negatively; he must stop making demands and getting into a "funk" if you don't want to make love with him.

Up until you had an operation, you and your H had a respite from making love because of your monthly cycles. This may have helped you in being so willing the rest of the month and may have been an important element in your love life, helping you to enjoy sex more.So you might want to incorporate a few days a month away from sex again.

Your H needs to back off the demands for sex. Dr. Harley suggested that he listen to this segment for an understanding into your concerns. Your H is going to ruin the wonderful sex life you both have enjoyed all these years by making demands. The other person can deny a request for sex without adverse results.

He is going to have to find a way to rise above his disappointment when you don't want to make love. He's handling this wrong. You two have had a great sexual relationship all these years and the demands are going to ruin it all. Demands don't work in marriage. He's going to need to understand this quickly or his very fun and willing sexual partner may be gone.

The radio show will play through noon today. After that, BrainHurts may be able to post the segment to your thread if you ask her.