Hi,

I first caught my wife sexting about 8 months ago. She was flirting on hot or not and dirty and trying to arrange to meet up for sex with this man. I caught her and she stopped. I then caught her using Hot or Not and flirting with several men. I read the conversations and she asked if he used Whatsapp.

She said she would stop and then I could check her facebook so she could show that she was not using Hot or Not. Over the months she got very secretive with her works phone and I suspected that she was speaking to men via Whatsapp. One night she was pretending she was tired and said for me to go to bed. I could hear her phone beeping with messages. I eventually come down stairs to find her speaking to a bloke on the phone. I grabbed the phone and smashed it up.

She said he was just a friend and he made her laugh, I said no more and it was the last time. I found some mobile numbers on her sticky notes on her laptop. I downloaded whatsapp and put all of the numbers in my phone. I contacted them all saying that my wife was married and stop contacting her as you are going to break up a marriage. I had a reply from one saying that she had sent him loads of dirty images and video of herself. (It was the same guy who she was talking to)

I ring the guy up and tell him to stop or I would find him and have a chat. She seems to be truly remorseful so we decide just before xmas that we would give it go. New years day, what do I get??? A image of wife half naked posing for a image that she had sent him. She was even wearing her wedding knickers.

Head messed up again, She says no video's. Believe that she means it and what happens when I come back from a 4 day holiday with my mates?? I find 2 half naked selfie's which has took on her private phone and then sent to her Works phone. She says it was a laugh and no Sexting. She does think there is anything wrong with Sexting.

I have told her that I want a trial separation to sort my head out but she says that if I leave, I will breaking up our family and she would not have me back. I dont know what to do? After writing this, it looks truly awful how she has treated me, but she is my soulmate and I love her.

I have asked to have access to her works phone and private phone, she has changed passwords. She has refused this and said that I should believe her. I have tried to talk to her about the reasons she has done it again, (even though she denies she sent sexts again) she wont talk about, she walks off. She wont go to counselling, but I am scared to leave her and worry what impact this would have the kids.

I know she has trust issues as her father had a affair and to this day, she thinks I was unfaithful on my stag do.

I am really confused and need advice.

Welcome to marriage builders and I'm so sorry you are going through this. You need to get the book Surviving an Affair because as you are feeling this is an affair. While you are reading this book you need to follow the instructions on this article about using Plan A and Plan B. If you haven't read the Basic Concepts then you need to read them to help you with Plan A and Plan B.

Good Luck and let us know how the Plans and the reading are going.

Sorry for the pain you are experiencing in your marriage. You've come to the right place for guidance in following Marriage Builders.

First, please do not leave your home. Just stay put and read the first thread at the top of this forum called "Start Here." You will be in Plan A for the foreseeable future. Men can usually be in Plan A for many months without experiencing physical harm.

While you are in Plan A, eliminate all your love busters. Make SURE you are never angry, disrespectful, or demanding, although you should demand that she end these sexting affairs.

Exposure is part of Plan A. You already know what she's doing from all you have seen on her phone, but it's a good idea to keep some of the evidence you find in a safe place.

Exposure is extremely important and so many men are afraid to expose their wife's affairs, but she needs the accountability and you need the support. Exposure is not a punishment; it's shining the light of day on a very destructive act. What your wife is doing is very destructive to her, your marriage, and to your child. It's also potentially destructive to the marriages of the men she's doing this with. Some of them may be married.

So, very quietly, gather a list of all your exposure targets: family, close friends, clergy, and your children and expose all at once in a tsunami wave. Don't warn your wife you will be doing this. Just do it. When she explodes, tell her you were telling the truth. If we all knew that everyone would find out what we are doing, wouldn't we be a lot more careful about what we do when people aren't looking?

It's great that you have contacted the other men. Good for you. Dr. Harley supports contacting the OMs and making them back off.

Why does your wife believe you were unfaithful on your stag night? What did you do?

How long married? Do you have children?

I have been married for 9 years, been together 18 years and have 2 children, 10 and 5. She found out some of mates slept with some girls and she thinks that I have done as well.

I cannot get access to her phone to see if she is still doing it. I have evidence of a conversation she had arranging to meet up with a guy. In regards, to the images I have seen, she has deleted them.

Just want out but dont how to approach the situation regarding the kids when I leave.

Are any of the OM married?

If she doesn't believe there is anything wrong with sexting then she really shouldn't mind you telling her parents as part of exposure! I'm sure her workplace won't care either or consider it misuse of resources. Or the guy's wife/girlfriend - they won't mind either and they would get the joke when you tell them huh? Exposure has a beautiful way of busting up these little claims of 'oh it doesn't matter'.

You sound like you're in the UK? Me too. One thing I would recommend is either going into recovery full tilt or getting out of the marriage and going for custody of the children. (Sexual abuse from mum's dirtbag boyfriend is not a risk you want to run with your children).

If you do a halfy-halfy job and separate that just gives her more room for a few more affairs in the interim (she's clearly an addict to them). That's just more stuff you'll have to uncover, expose and heal from. If you want to do recovery you'll have to Plan A her every day for around six months (no more trips away with your mates - you are a married man!!!), expose her to all and properly hold her to account.

Recovery with a serial cheat like your wife is no joke. She has no boundaries around men and would need to be with you constantly. She would probably need to work with you in an at-home business setting and account for all her time with you. She certainly would not be allowed a FB or Whatsapp account, even if you did have the password. Oh and the fact she probably won't agree to that is neither here nor there - it's what you would have to insist on in order to keep her faithful.

Dr Harley wrote an article (Google marriagebuilders What is sexual addiction?) on a wife with a similar problem in his description of sexual addiction. In that case the woman was constantly meeting men at sex clubs. She would have to became accountable to her DH 24/7 in order to beat it because nothing else helps. Addiction is forever. However the H wasn't up for it, so they divorced.