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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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I read Exposure, but I also read Plan A and Plan B, I think I am gonna stick with the Plan A approach. Dr. Harley defines Plan A in surviving an affair as "expose the affair and express a willingness to meet your spouse's emotional needs if they end their affair." I did confront her last night again about the situation. Telling her how she is hurting me and the pain I am in, the weight and sleep I am loosing. I also told her that it's not fair to our child. Wow - having debates with her is not part of Plan A. This is part of "plan drive her away permanently." If you want to stay married, I suggest you not debate her. I know in my heart, I have hope and faith, if I keep on the affection and caring for her, I can tear her away....please pray. Nope, you can't do it if you refuse to expose (which is a key part of Plan A) and if you have debates with her. I'm going to pray that you realize this.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I read Exposure, but I also read Plan A and Plan B, I think I am gonna stick with the Plan A approach. Your first step should be exposure in Plan A since that is the most important first step.. I would just emphasize that this is not a cafeteria plan where you pick and choose. You should be in Plan A and NOT in Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2010
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Exposure is an integral component OF Plan A, NOT a separate choice aside from it!
I, too, tried that apporaoch...for 3 months....choosing not to expose.
WS's affair...DID. NOT. END.
Only AFTER I exposed DID. IT. END.
And, once in recovery, as my W would thank me for exposing, her only question/criticism of me was:
"I wish you had exposed 3 months earlier...".
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Joined: Jun 2013
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Her Love Bank is currently closed off to any Deposits you attempt to make.
Do them anyways.
None of your version of Plan A'ing her will get through to her while she has someone else that she is connected to.
Once you expose her Affair, she will be a venomous Beatch towards you for a while. But, you continue to make LB Deposits with NO Love Busters.
Debating her Affair or how a Divorce will hurt is a Big Withdrawal.
Do what you want, OR do what works.
That choice is yours.
LTL
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Joined: Jun 2011
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I read Exposure, but I also read Plan A and Plan B, I think I am gonna stick with the Plan A approach. If you don't expose you are not in Plan A. Plan A is all about being an attractive spouse. An attractive spouse wouldn't keep quiet while they get cheated on! Keeping quiet is a very craven, selfish, suck-up and scaredy-cat thing to do. With women in particular they despise their husbands if they are not proactive and protective. Women do NOT respect doormats. If you choose the scaredy cat doormat approach you are going to end up trying to nag and cajole her into fidelity. A massively unattractive thing to do. Nobody was ever won back with nagging. I read Exposure, but I also read Plan A and Plan B, I think I am gonna stick with the Plan A approach. I did confront her last night again about the situation. Telling her how she is hurting me and the pain I am in, the weight and sleep I am loosing. I also told her that it's not fair to our child. She said, you don't seem to understand it will never be the same, I said I know it will never be the same we can't go back, but it can be much better. We can recover, it is possible, but you need to end what you are doing. No response, she just stares at me.. Oh so you know how to nag and cajole uselessly. Wonderful.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/08/14 03:32 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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This is what Plan A looks like. WifeDivorcing is a poster who did a stellar Plan A. He is a cop so he was able to hold his nerve, ignore his fears and exposed the heck out of the affair. The adulterers even had him committed they were so angry at his successful and nuclear exposure, but he kept going and never stayed down. He was the terminator of Plan A. When she found out my family knows, she said I ruined any glimmer of hope. She just left me a voice mail, crying and saying how selfish I have been and because she won't give me the answer I want and how I destroyed her life and how I want to fix my own is selfish. She said you will be getting permenant space and I hope that's what you want. I just talk to her on the phone and she is still in the fogbabble, telling me that what I did was wrong referring to exposing the affair and running her down, not defending her.
I continue to tell her I did what I thought was necessary to save our marriage. she started to get pretty irrate and angry, I actually told her to stop calling me names and I told her i'm ending the call. I just stated our marriage is salvagable and it would take work. I know this is a marathon. Yesterday my wife kept saying to me, I don't know what is going on with you, she said this a few times to me. I don't raise my voice, I'm calm all the time when we talk or when I'm by her,
Does anyone notice when I pull from her she comes running at me. When I answer her she then seems to pull back. It blows my mind when she tells me if I would of just kept my mouth shut and all my changes I was doing would of been enough to save our marriage. Interesting, when was she going to let me know this. I'm being sarcastic right now. If I would of never exposed, I would be divorced and she would have new boyfriend and all would be dandy for her. I'm just venting. Boy she is trying to bait me in the argument. She started to have a melt down. Saying how she doesn't feel.comfortable here. She then went on to say I'm unstable and everyone is worried about her. She said you don't get angry and you just go on like nothing is going on. She complained because I looked good in my new clothes and I should go pick up a chick.... I just hold my ground. I listened and told her I love her. WOW!!! Is all I can tell say, I know the night started off a little rough. During this storm, I remained calm, she went into how every fears for her safety, because I'm Crazy etc... I asked do you think I'm crazy, she said your demeanor is different not normal. This is because the lord jesus christ has given me this ability to remain calm. Thats what I thought in my mind. I attempted to hug her and she refused, so I let it be. The new biggest thing that has changed is she is allowing me to kiss her again. When we finally turned the light off she rolled over asking me to hold her, I asked her to roll back towards me and she did. I kissed her and I mean I kissed her, she began kissing me back, this kissing went on for a bout 5 minutes, she even said I havent kissed you in a long time. Then she intiatiated SF,
This morning we were talking about her mom and I said I miss her and she said she's mad at you, of course for exposing this affair, she then said You still think it was right for letting everyone know our business. I stayed mute. My attorney calls me and tells me she dropped the divorce. For this weekend it's status quo, and I'm just going to enjoy it. My wife is going to stop the divorce Monday, she has agreed to the no contact letter for life.
My wife told me she was so glad I never gave up on her and that I fought for her.
I'm so glad I exposed this affair. Thank you MB friends. I understand and you're right. I do have to say her actions toward me have turned 180 degrees. She keeps telling me how much she missed me and how much she loves me. She is all over me. She has told me she is extremely sorry for hurting me and causing me pain from the affair. I will continue plan A and until all is met. To all on MB. My wife has been showing me a lot of remorse and telling me she is sorry, crying in my arms. She has been giving me a ton of emotional needs. She has told me several times on how she is so glad I fought for her and how I never gave up on her. She has told me the man I have become is amazing and she said she is scared still and wants me like this forever. I understand her feelings.
someone had told me here on MB that your wife will not remember any of the stuff she had told me. I had said something to her she told me during the fog and she said I never said that. I just ok. It kind of made me laugh inside.
I will check in later on. I'm amazed I have 35000 views. Unreal. There are a lot of people in the same boat. Don't give up faith, give it to God and listen to these vets on MB!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jul 2014
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I so much appreciate all the support, but it's such a difficult decision because we also have a business and work together everyday. I just want to Scream!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep the support coming.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Ok. If you don't expose you are not in Plan A.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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