I listened to the radio clip. Dr Harley talks about a plan of recovery for the spouse with the personality disorder but everything I've read about pd people describes them as not fixable, so I really don't know what to think.

Indie I may not post everyday but I can certainly post at least once a week with an update on PB. Today, for example, am taking my mother to the garden center, then visiting with some family this evening.

It's a very quiet life thus far and I sometimes feel I have too much time to think about my future. Although I can't and won't date until divorced, I'm already hearing horror stories from acquaintances about men my own age and older. It seems there are lots of bad boys in the 60 plus range like my own H.

I miss having someone to talk to at night and in the mornings the most. It feels very lonely -- like I'm standing in the ballroom and am the only one without a dance partner.

This is a great time of year to be out and about. There are meet up groups with people interested in the same things you are. Join a church or charity and get active. Join a friend for dinner or invite people over. Plan a vacation w/a group.

Sure there are stories of bad boys. Your less likely to hear the good stuff.

Anyway if you narrowly focus your evaluation of your life as good, that is w/man or not good, that is without a man it will be hard to just let go and find yourself again. You will be more attractive to others if you are less worried about what you might not have or get someday. Its leaving you stuck.

Certainly you have made progress. Keep going.

Dr. Harley prefers to speak about predispositions and habits. Because if you label a person, this may be an obstacle for productive change. Apart from that, people with personality disorders, although resistant to change, are not unable to change, even according to scientific literature.

As to marriage sifting out people with serious mental disorders, I have always meant that to mean people with schizophrenia and the like.

Bluebird, reading up on personality disorders can for a person in your situation help to understand what was wrong with your husband, especially if you have had a tendency to not recognize bad behaviour for what it is. You can then be more careful in the future. But thinking too much about and focussing on your ex-husband will hinder your recovery.

Just read up on the materials on this site about good relationships, so that you get the feeling what to look for in the future. Spend time with positive people in your life, your dog and so on. If you do eventually fall in love again in the future, you can try applying Dr. Harley's programm and you will see that a good man will have no problem with that.

Thank you HH.

The problem is I've had two marriages with uncaring/abusive men.

Both H's were charming to start then, uncaring once married to me. The result is that I feel traumatized.

If I do ever meet anyone in the future, I'll be sure to make the MB program a part of the relationship from the beginning. Wishing I knew back then what know now.

I can see why you'd be more that a LITTLE gun-shy, Bluebird. This is why Dr. Harley recommends that you talk to ex-wives of any man you are considering getting serious about. But that is for the future...

Sounds good.



What's your plan to change that?



Yes that sounds about right. In fact I'd go further and say they are in every age range. While casting a dating net I met complete scumbags in every age range from teenage to retirement. That's a basic fact of life and it isn't just men, the exact same thing can be said about women.

Thanks for your post Indie.

My plan is to recover from my marriages and to find more outlets for the energy I expend on useless "what iffing" and catastrophizing about the future.

If I can do that, I'll be a far healthier and happier person.

But I have a long way to go.

I really meant something far more specific. I mean, my goal is to die happy in my bed an old lady with no regrets about how I have handled things - but I set slightly more bite-sized goals than that for now!

You can't climb a mountain without lots of little steps.

You say you have too much time, so that seems like a great place to start with a bite-sized mini goal of how to spend that time. Brain storm. You aren't going to spend your time 'recovering from your marriages' - that's the side effect of whatever activity you choose. I too hope you wouldn't spend the time 'catastrophizing' (great word by the way) but that still means you will be doing something else - what?

Far be it from me to tell you how often to post - RL support is great too. However the reason I suggested posting daily is because Plan B and life itself is a daily plan, if not hourly. My posting regularly meant that I made sure I had to make a little progress on something every day, and I had the help of posters here to stop me wandering off track. If I had waited a week, I could have done something amazingly dumb and gotten lost in that time. Try to make sure you are on track every day, whether that is with RL support, a daily place or activity which keeps you grounded, busy and happy or by talking to us.

BB,
Another idea: spend a set amount of time each day to journal or brain dump, say 1/2 hour. Put down your worries and fears so they are not looping in your brain all day and contaminating the rest of your 23.5 hours. Then deliberately push yourself outside the lonely space you've lived in taking an action step, even tiny ones. And remember how lonely you were with your husband? Seems a lot lonelier then you are now. There is beauty all around you.

Have you read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders?

I've read about the principles of the above but not read the book.

I believe both H's were at least renters as both checked out emotionally using AOs, selfish demands and disrespectful judgments.

I would say h2 was a freeloader in the sense that he made very little effort to give any care in return for the care he was receiving.

Have you become a part of a church, and have you looked into service clubs? Rotary is one example. Great people, great socializing, and a sense of purpose. That will help you through this and its healthy in general.

BB,
What is going on?

Thanks for asking graceful.

The good news is I am filing for divorce and have started proceedings. After not hearing from H in weeks I decided I'd had enough.

Once I started divorce proceedings it was like finally taking off the dark glasses and seeing H for horrible way he'd treated me, which had caused me to become depressed and hopeless.

After I filed, he suddenly became "friendly " again but my mind is made up. I feel much much better than I did in the Spring and my sense of hope had returned.

Never again will I fall for a narcissistic man - twice is enough.

I'll continue to post here once in a while or if I ever meet anyone new after I'm single. I still need MB lessons and most of all how to avoid renters and freeloaders.

thanks everyone for helping me through this. It means a lot to me.

M

Good for you, Bluebird, for starting the divorce proceedings. I think you will feel so much better once all this is behind you. Your life will be happier and you won't be depressed.

I am so relieved and happy that you are getting out of this marriage. I had hoped you would start to realize how bad it really was once you got away. You have been through so much!!

Thrilled for you BB!

Thanks Melody and Graceful and Longway.

I'm actually starting to look forward to a new chapter in my life!

And I can't believe that I tolerated such poor treatment from H. I don't believe he will change because he still thinks he was right about everything. But then, it's no longer my concern!

Bluebird;

I am so delighted to see you thinking so positively about your future.

You've made an amazing transformation!!!