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She does go out with co workers once a week. Which are both male and female for about one hour. If he is a friend of a coworker, how do you know she does not seem him at this time? How do you know she is not seeing ONLY HIM at this time? This is where I would focus my snooping efforts. Can you have someone follow her on her next night out? Waywards lie and often, they will find others who will lie for them.
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She tells me she has no contact with his guy( I don't know his name) just that he was a friend of one of her co workers who met up with them at a bar, she said she got really drunk, and made a horrible mistake. I will try and snoop more, it is just hard for me because I am trying to build trust. Thank you for you advice I would demand his name. You have a right to have that information.
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She tells me she has no contact with his guy( I don't know his name) just that he was a friend of one of her co workers who met up with them at a bar, she said she got really drunk, and made a horrible mistake. I will try and snoop more, it is just hard for me because I am trying to build trust. Thank you for you advice You can't build trust this way because you're encouraging lies. The temptation for her to lie to you is overwhelming. You aren't there, he is. He meets needs, you don't. She doesn't want you knowing it all, she is shrugging you off to pursue someone else. As far as being together every night, we are, other then when I deploy. If there is any good news out of this, that is since I just returned from a deployment it will be at least 3 years til the next one, if at all. The main problem with my job is that it is not a 8-5 job. Some days I fly during the day and some are night flights. But I always come home and sleep in our bed. One exception.. long range rescue missions and hurricane support and rescue. Usually not gone for more then 2 nights and that is maybe 3-4 times a year That would be OK for a serious relationship, like an engaged couple. It would probably also do if you only wanted to be married for a few years and didn't mind it ending in adultery. For a lifetime? Not good enough. For a vulnerable recovering marriage which has had TWO affairs? It's a death sentence.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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As far as being together every night, we are, other then when I deploy. If there is any good news out of this, that is since I just returned from a deployment it will be at least 3 years til the next one, if at all. The main problem with my job is that it is not a 8-5 job. Some days I fly during the day and some are night flights. But I always come home and sleep in our bed. One exception.. long range rescue missions and hurricane support and rescue. Usually not gone for more then 2 nights and that is maybe 3-4 times a year That would be OK for a serious relationship, like an engaged couple. It would probably also do if you only wanted to be married for a few years and didn't mind it ending in adultery. For a lifetime? Not good enough. For a vulnerable recovering marriage which has had TWO affairs? It's a death sentence. Your career and your marriage are incompatible. If you try to do both, you will end up with a failed marriage and quite possibly a messed up career, as well. You aren't going to make it to a 20-year retirement intact. Make it easy on yourself. Choose which one you want. Either change your career and stop being apart overnight and recover your marriage, or get a divorce and put all your efforts into your career.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I see both your points, will confront her tonight. Now I am torn this is my career 13 years I'm the making with two retirements riding on it. If I quiet I lose everything. And still maybe lose my marriage and really have nothing in my life. One last point there was only ONE affair. I went and had coffee with a co worker. I realized after the second time it was going to wrong place and immediately stop contact with that person
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Yours plus hers equal two. Nights apart and sloppy recoveries beget affairs.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I see both your points, will confront her tonight. Now I am torn this is my career 13 years I'm the making with two retirements riding on it. If I quiet I lose everything. And still maybe lose my marriage and really have nothing in my life. One last point there was only ONE affair. I went and had coffee with a co worker. I realized after the second time it was going to wrong place and immediately stop contact with that person Don't CONFRONT her - snoop. Do you want her to lie to you in different word order? I'm confused, did you have an emotional affair (discussion of feelings) or did you simply avoid someone you found attractive?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Now I am torn this is my career 13 years I'm the making with two retirements riding on it. If I quiet I lose everything. And still maybe lose my marriage and really have nothing in my life. No, if you don't quit, you lose everything. Because your marriage won't make it if you don't. Anything that comes before your marriage will eventually come between it. This has already proven true in your case. Dr. Harley reasoned through this with another couple on our forum: Regarding the three goals that your husband has expressed, he may fail to achieve any of them if he doesn't prioritize them. Let's consider how they might be prioritized. If he were to put most of his time and energy into saving his business, and ignore his son and you, he might lose his business, you and his son. If he put most of his time and energy into molding his son for a successful life, he might lose his business and you, and his son may still have trouble adjusting in life.
But if he put most of his time and energy into saving his marriage, there's a good chance that he would save it, his business, and help his son steer a successful course in life. That's because having a successful marriage makes you successful at many of your other important objectives in life. Joyce and I are living proof that when you put your marriage first, your children thrive and your business succeeds. That's because a successful marriage adds wisdom to the decisions you make in every other part of life. But if he doesn't put his marriage first, he's likely to lose most of everything else that he values."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Find a career that complements marriage instead of one that destroys marriages.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks everyone one for the advice. Tonight she walked out of the house said she is to mad and hurt from the past. I think I might be moving to the D forum 
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Are you giving up already? Before you have even started fighting? Her walking out means she wants to conduct her affair without your interference.
You haven't found out who yet. You haven't exposed yet. You haven't even fought for your marriage yet.
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Thanks everyone one for the advice. Tonight she walked out of the house said she is to mad and hurt from the past. I think I might be moving to the D forum Textbook babble. So? Why does that change your plans?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I don't know. I am lost and hurt. I caught her in a lie again. Said that she was going to her parents house. I went there she wasn't there. I ended up getting a text saying she went to bar and got a hotel room. So I spent my first night alone
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I don't know. I am lost and hurt. I caught her in a lie again. Said that she was going to her parents house. I went there she wasn't there. I ended up getting a text saying she went to bar and got a hotel room. So I spent my first night alone What spyware do you have in place? I'm sure her affair partner will be at that hotel. Can you hire a PI? Have you checked her phone record?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Hi Rscuegnnr,
Your wife is having an affair, and that is why she is asking for a divorce. Don't believe anything she says, because when a wayward's lips move that means he/she is lying.
Time to begin project espionage. Since she deletes her text, put spyware on her phone and on your home computer. Also, put a VAR in her car and in your bedroom.
You have done a good job with Plan A as far as showing your wife that are doing things to meet her emotional needs. But they won't sink in until her affair is killed.
To kill the affair, you have to:
1) Get solid proof that it is happening.
2) Once you have gotten proof expose it to her friends and family, your friends and family, and the affair partners friends and family. There is a letter we can show you that is written that is used with exposure. You will need to follow the steps for exposure laid out by Dr. Harley.
3) After exposing the affair, you continue with Plan A and we will help you with that.
Sorry that you are experiencing this.
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