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Melody, other people's circumstances are different. I've studied the law and it doesn't favor me. They don't take adultery into account when deciding custody. According to WV law, custody is determined by the parent who spends the most time with the kids. So a stay at home mom wins every time unless there is specific abuse of the kids. The system is biased against men here. The best I might do is avoid some of the alimony. We would not be able to afford the house - no way. And my Catholic faith will make it difficult to have another relationship - more difficult than for persons of other faiths. So given my specific situation, my outlook is not as good as the outlook some others would face. If I had no kids, if my WW also worked, and if I was Protestant it would be a different story.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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I am not trying to be cruel, Pius; I am feel badly for your situation. But you can do so much better.
I have seen this play out many, many times over the years when a betrayed husband divorced his destructive, abusive wife. Most are in happy, joyful marriages with new wives today. Many have custody of their children and they are all doing immensely better now that they have moved on.
I am facebook friends with one such man who is blissfully happy in his new marriage. He has 4 children. His new wife adores him and the kids love his wife. Divorcing his cheating wife was the best thing he did.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, I know that is some people's results. And I could luck out. Maybe I could get WW to agree to 50/50 custody. Maybe I could frankly get over my very strong feelings for her. Maybe I could get an annulment. But there is just a lot of uncertainty and a lot of things that could go very wrong. There is uncertainty the other way too. But trust me, I've researched the laws in my state in detail. I thought I was going to get divorced last summer so I had to. I've researched my Church's position. These things are not just me being pessimistic and whining (though I know it sounds like it).
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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You should check with a fathers rights attorney, because WV is a cause state. I can think of one father here who got full custody of his children when he sued on grounds of adultery.
The problem is that you are assuming you will lose before you even try. However, in my experience on those board, when a man TRIES, he often wins. But, he will always lose if he doesn't try.
I realize you are just looking for excuses, but you do have an advantage in your state because it is a fault state.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, I know that is some people's results. And I could luck out. Maybe I could get WW to agree to 50/50 custody. In your situation, I would strongly suggest you go for primary custody giving her limited visitation because of her promiscuous lifestyle. She is not a fit parent who can be trusted around children if she is trolling for sex on the internet. Most courts won't take kindly to a parent who does that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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For example, I seem to remember one husband from your state had primary custody of his 3-4 kids and his wife got one night a week and every other weekend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But there is just a lot of uncertainty and a lot of things that could go very wrong. I agree there is a lot of uncertainty and a lot of things that can go wrong.........in your current life. I can't think of a worse nightmare than to have a wife who trolls the internet for sex and is a committed serial cheater.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, it very well may come to that. I can't go on like this forever, I realize it. My gut is just not ready to face all of the things I mentioned yet. At some point when the pain becomes unbearable I will be. This whole situation is absolutely terrible and is nearly crippling. This is also for sure: my kids will be absolutely devastated if we divorce. And my daughter praised me for continuing to try, after I exposed the first time. I don't think it's wrong to give it one more chance. Maybe I'm not being completely rational - how could I be with all of this swirling around. All I can do is that which gives me the best chance of sleeping at night. When I meet God I'd rather say that I fought too hard and too long for my doomed marriage, rather than saying I quit too soon.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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God does not approve of enabling just because you are a conflict avoider. There is nothing Christian about being an enabler, my friend. You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to us. There is no virtue in enabling.
Just think of the horrendous example you are setting for your children?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When I meet God I'd rather say that I fought too hard and too long for my doomed marriage, rather than saying I quit too soon. You are not "fighting," though. You are enabling.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you asked my kids now I guarantee they'd want me to keep trying. I'd bet you any amount of money. The kids love me, but they adore their mom also. They don't want to be separated from either one of us. As for enabling, if I got divorced she would have an easier time trolling for sex anyway. It just wouldn't be my problem then.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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...But I will think about what you've said. I will talk to the deacon at Church and get his opinion of what he thinks God wants me to do.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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If you asked my kids now I guarantee they'd want me to keep trying. I'd bet you any amount of money. The kids love me, but they adore their mom also. They don't want to be separated from either one of us. As for enabling, if I got divorced she would have an easier time trolling for sex anyway. It just wouldn't be my problem then. I think you will continue to come up with excuses about why you need to enable your wife. You can continue to tell yourself it is good for your kids to see their father enabling a serial cheater wife who trolls for sex on the internet, but we both know that's not true. At the end of the day, you know you are not setting a good example for your kids. All you do is teach them there is some type of "virtue" in staying in an abusive marriage. You wouldn't be enabling her if you left because she wouldn't be in your life anymore. You are enabling her now.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you asked my kids now I guarantee they'd want me to keep trying. I'd bet you any amount of money. The kids love me, but they adore their mom also. They don't want to be separated from either one of us. As for enabling, if I got divorced she would have an easier time trolling for sex anyway. It just wouldn't be my problem then. I am confused. Your children know what your wife is doing and adore her? AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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...But I will think about what you've said. I will talk to the deacon at Church and get his opinion of what he thinks God wants me to do. I have full confidence you will continue to shop for support to continue to enable your wife. And when someone doesn't support your enabling, you will reject that advice. Just like the wife who defends her marriage to a wife beater.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Army: My kids adore her because they love their mom. I've told them mom made a mistake but they still need to obey her. She still takes care of them. They don't love what she did and are disappointed with that.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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...And, as I stated, as much pain as I am in from this adultery, I still love her also. I will do what I can do to prevent her behavior from continuing.
Last edited by Pius; 07/11/14 08:35 PM.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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That's really strange and mystifying that your children "adore" a mother who trolls for sex on the internet. I am the daughter of a serial cheater who did the same thing. The only time we "adored" him was when my mother lied about his activities. We didn't "adore" him when we found out the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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...And, as I stated, as much pain as I am in pain from this adultery, I still love her also. I will do what I can do to prevent her behavior from continuing. But you can't stop her. That is the point. She has no reason to stop and you have no power over that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That's really strange and mystifying that your children "adore" a mother who trolls for sex on the internet. I am the daughter of a serial cheater who did the same thing. The only time we "adored" him was when my mother lied about his activities. We didn't "adore" him when we found out the truth. Yes. I doubt these children know the truth about the extent and frequency of their Mother's behavior. And that she is picking up strange men from the internet to hook up for sex.
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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