As well, people can be enthusiastic about giving things a try. But then realise that it sucks so they need you stop.

Lots of things the Harleys have given a try have worked out really well - moving home for example and Joyce also tried some recreation activities which she was not keen on but ended up loving. She would not have given the new town or the activity a go unless she had the right to halt it when she was unhappy.

Or sometimes a spouse might think they are enthusiastic but they are really not in practice. They could say 'that sounds OK' but in practice it bothers them so they need you to stop.

life4799, please check your email.

We had a classic one recently. I have the English hatred of air conditioning. Even 30 years in NYC has never tempted me to install it. Cold air and high electric bills are all things I went to great lengths to avoid (I am from London).

Fast forward to marriage to a polar bear two years ago. Someone who turns on the a/c in March and off again in November.

Clear candidate for POJA and we agreed to install and run a/c but set the thermostat to 85 degrees. First summer was fine but this year I noticed the machinery running more and more often and the thermostat had mysteriously dropped to a chilly 78 degrees.

I saw us heading for English hell (always winter and never Christmas) but more importantly; was it a lack of radical honesty or just a simple mistake.

Back to the POJA to find out, that great litmus test of real intentions.

We reopened negotiations and he admitted that he had made a mistake; that the temperature needed for him to be comfortable was lower than he thought. Of course he should have spoken up rather than sneaking off to poke the thermostat.

The important thing is that it had to be safe for him to be honest and for me to make a complaint. Honesty needs to be the most rewarding behavior. That can be especially tricky as you have to do that without ever compromising.

We have not totally solved the a/c issue but I am 100% confident that we will get there.

Hi Mr. Prookatz, I see that this thread is a couple weeks old, so not sure if you're still checking in. I sympathize with your point of view because I have struggled with lines of reasoning similar to yours in the past regarding the POJA. I'm curious if there's been any progress with your situation.