My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 4 children ages 7 to 13.

I discovered Dr. Harley's writing and Marriage Builders about a month ago.

3 years ago I discovered a Facebook message to a guy she used to study with in college, after we were married, who she was saying if he was nearby she knew she wouldn't be able to control herself. She was also messaging another guy in a way that felt like an emotional affair. In both of those lines of messages I discovered confessions she was making to them about a guy she had been meeting and had kissed. I confronted her and forgave her. But walls she had up for some time remained up and our marriage got much worse.

I was already making efforts to become a better husband and make her feel more loved, but when this happened my efforts intensified and I've become a much better husband over the last 3 years. Essentially I was doing Plan A without knowing what it was doing. My wife even has admitted that I've become a good husband. But we have no intimacy or connection of any kind and have not shared a room in around a year. Before that, for several years she would fall asleep in the recliner and come to bed around 3 or 4 AM.

She is definitely in withdrawal and has been for a long long time. I asked her recently when she thought she put the wall up and she said she thinks from the beginning.

I have been suspicious for the last 3 years and have asked from time to time if she is talking to any guys. She always said "no". About 2 months ago she said she was moving out. She has not moved out, yet. But about 2 weeks ago she wrote me a note and admitted to having a full affair for the last 3 years with the guy that I discovered she had kissed 3 years ago. She said when I found out they stopped their relationship for 2 months and then started back and it became sexual then. When she told me about the affair she again said she was moving out and that a house was up for rent in July. She still has not yet moved out, and I don't know if she can afford to rent a house or anything else.

I have Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs. I am reading Love Busters and have discovered how guilty I was of Love Busters. I have improved and now that I know about Love Busters, I am doing much better about eliminating them. But I need to do much better. I was probably most guilty of anger and being demanding. Along with the affair, she has always had a lot of independent behavior, including girl friends that she spent so much time and energy with that they felt like emotional affairs.

I have not exposed, basically. My counselor that I've been going to for a year, who has been excellent, has recommended strongly against it right now. And in the letter her words were, "I have been having a secret relationship." Everything else about the actual affair involving sex has been verbal. So I don't really have solid court case type proof, even though she has admitted it to me verbally. I'm not sure about exposing much, but I do want to tell her mother and a couple of her friends. I have told my parents because they knew she had said she is moving out and when they asked me if I knew why I felt I'd be lying if I didn't tell them about the affair.

I am continuing to try to figure out and try Plan A, but am having a hard time. She is demanding space. She demands that I not ask about the affair and I haven't since about two days after she revealed it. She demands that I not reach out to her to interact with her in a relational way, no compliments, no "I love you", etc. And I have backed off on that for about a week. She went on a trip last week with her sister for a wedding and I did not speak to her or reach out to contact her the entire time. This week I have only tried to ask her about the trip and each day how her day was and talk about that. She has basically only spoken to me on Monday, the day after she returned, when I finally got her to share with me about the trip, but she has ignored or stonewalled me other than that when I've asked her about her day.

I'm struggling with how to do Plan A with her demanding so much space and being so deep in withdrawal. And with how she responds to my efforts I'm a bit afraid of saying "I love you" or trying to offer Olive Branches or meet her emotional needs.

Here is some of what I was basically doing before I backed off this past week. Some of this I have been doing for a few years and some I've grown into this past year or year and a half:

-- Telling her that I hope she has a good day and I love you when she left in the morning.
-- Checking on her during the day and seeing how her day was going.
-- When she got home asking about her day.
-- Saying goodnight and "I love you" before I went to bed.
-- Sometimes sending her a random text with encouraging words and compliments relevant for that day.
-- About once a week or so sending her a picture of prayer I prayed for her that I wrote in my prayer journal.
-- From time to time getting her a flower or a card (writing quite a bit in the card words of encouragement, compliments, and about how I love her) or some small simple gift or some small thing I made (like a paper napkin made into a rose or a printed picture of her surrounded by a silly poem I wrote her...) and putting these things somewhere for her to find (like in her van)
-- Trying to be very thoughtful about gifts I gave her for our anniversary or Mother's Day or whatever, often things I made for her
-- Taking care of things around the house: cleaning, laundry, cooking (She tries to eat healthy so I try to figure out things that fit her eating efforts), etc.
-- Whatever else I can think of. I'd really like to figure out how to connect through conversation better.

I definitely want to reconcile and I believe I can forgive her. I haven't been angry, at this point.

I don't know if I should be backing off of trying to connect with her and express love to her. I don't know if I should be backing off of asking about the affair and if she is talking to anybody else and what she plans to do about moving out.

And I'm aslo concerned about the possibility of her somehow getting the kids if she leaves. I don't want them to not have their mother, but if she leaves I would want at least primary custody. I think most parents would.

Hi jojo, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. A confession is solid court case type proof. Confessions are entered into courts as evidence every day. You have plenty of evidence to expose right now, today.

The counselor who has told you not to expose is giving you bad advice. Your only hope of saving your marriage is to expose. This affair has been enabled for such a very long time that it will take everything in your power to save this, so you can't even think of blowing off the absolute most potent weapon in your arsenal. To keep her affair a secret is to enable it. You cannot afford that.

Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best hope. She will probably leave you anyway but exposure will help kill the affair. Once the affair crumbles after she moves out, you might have a chance. Exposure will make it very difficult for them to introduce their affair to the public. He might not be able to take her around his family which would help kill the affair.

Dr. Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist who has specialized in infidelity for 40 years. Here is his opinion on the merits of exposure:

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

I would certainly expose the affair to your children if you have not already done so.

Please read my exposure thread [in my signature] for best practices.

Who is this OM? Is he married?

He is married and has 3 kids, I think. My wife says that his wife found out about the affair about a week before my wife told me about it and that he has moved out. Because she has demanded space I haven't asked enough to fully understand the timeline, if he moved out a while back or after his wife found out.

He was my son's baseball coach 3 years ago in little league. The first time I saw him speak to my wife I told her that he was up to no good, but she didn't keep away from him, and even trained him a couple of times at the gym (she used to be a personal trainer). So, he was someone to be concerned about but I didn't do what I should have to prevent her from having a chance to get to know him. I know now that I've always trusted her too much.

Like I said about exposure, I'm basically considering exposing to my wife's mother and a couple of my wife's friends. I've read the information about exposure and am not sure about who else to expose to and I'm pretty uncomfortable with the idea of exposing to our kids. They are 7, 9, 11, and 13. Are any of them to young? And my prayer and desire has been for them to never have to find out about this. I guess that's a little silly because that would require for her to never actually move out, and I'm sure I'm delusional if I don't think she is actually going to move out.

Also, I guess it is somewhat meaningful to mention that I am pastor. That brings some complications, like my job possibly being at risk and a lot of attention from a lot of people, that may not generally have to be considered if I was in another profession.

They are all old enough to be told about the affair.

Other exposure targets would be the OM's wife, family and facebook friends. All of your family and friends should be told.

Such an exposure may very likely kill the affair. If it doesn't do so immediately, it will certainly hasten it's death. If you expose to the OM's family you will ruin the future of the affair.


What is the complication specifically?

They desperately need to know the truth. They know something is wrong and when children are given false explanations for the source of tension in their home, they learn that dishonesty is an acceptable practice. Children are harmed by lies and infidelity, not by the truth.

Exposure is biblical and I very much believe that includes children because they need guidance.

I realize what I am saying about this shows that my faith in God's provision is smaller than it should be. He can take care of my family's needs.

But...

The biggest complication is concern about me being able to provide for my family. I may not lose my position, but it is definitely possible that it could put my job at risk. And if I did lose my job then I would imagine having a very hard time finding another pastoral position. And if I can't get a job in a church I don't know what else I could do. This is all I am trained to do, and I don't have much confidence that could do well at something else.

I guess I do see the need to expose, but I'm still not sure yet.

I have a consultation with a lawyer scheduled for Monday (I have absolutely no intention of filing for divorce, just need to be aware of possibilities) and also would like to see what legal concerns there might be about exposure. I guess legal concerns must not be much since it is being promoted so strongly by Dr. Harley and on Marriage Builders.

I guess I'm not denying the logic of exposure, just having a hard time getting myself convinced to actually do it.

First off, I can't imagine why you think you would lose your job.[I have never heard of that and we have had many other pastors here] If you don't expose the affair the chances that you will lose your marriage are pretty great. And when you lose your wife, the truth will come out anyway.

You are facing the REAL loss of your marriage. That is a true risk. Losing your job is not.

We typically advise betrayed spouses to inform their employer and I think it would be a great idea in this instance. You need their support in so many ways.

They will find out anyway when your wife divorces you for the OM.

Jojo,

You wrote, He was my son's baseball coach 3 years ago in little league.

This mans' character makes him entirely unsuited for any kind of involvement with youth. For this reason alone you need to expose the OM. Not to do so is to cover up similar to what the Catholic church did with those monster priests.

Your son also needs to be informed of the fact that OM was destroying his family. There is a good chance your son understood what was going on btw but was just too scared to say anything.

When you expose do not tell anyone what you are doing, expose suddenly, completely and without warnings or threats.

God Bless
Gamma

Almost every lawyer will have a "legal concern" about exposure. He will tell you to cover up the affair and be very cooperative. Maybe even let the kids get to know their new "dad." Because your attorney's goal is not to save your marriage, but to facilitate an easy, amicable divorce with no conflict. Which you are headed towards right now if you take the lawyer's advice. He has no earthly idea how to save a marriage from infidelity.

WE know how to save marriages, the lawyer knows how to get you divorced. So, if you go to the lawyer for such advice, you may as well get the divorce now.


And I would point out that God did not give you a spirit of fear, that comes from the devil himself, whose goal is to scare you into hiding the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair.

Just know that those of here who are in recovered marriages attribute it to exposure. Exposure killed the affair which gave us a chance to save our marriages. It works better than anything.

My friend, you are crippled with a spirit of fear that will prevent you from saving your family. Your family is under severe assault and needs to you to step up and fight against this assault. You are all they have, Sir. And you are paralyzed with fear and crippled with inaction. Your fear only serves to enable this affair.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Deuteronomy 20:1
When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you.

2 Samuel 22:19
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support.

Psalm 3:6
I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.

Psalm 16:8
I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?


Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

The concern of losing my job is probably more in regards to if we actually get divorced. I have told the elders that she has said she is leaving, but haven't told them about the affair.

I didn't mean to focus much on that because I have already decided that it is possible that seeking a POJA on things may mean reconsidering my occupation because I

I guess my plan about exposure is to meet with the lawyer and get an answer as to any legal concerns there might be about exposing. There probably aren't any, but I feel I need to check about that.

Gamma, I have considered that issue with this. I don't know if he is still coaching, but that is something I'd like to know because I feel he is a danger.

I also didn't mean to focus that much on exposure either. The appointment with the lawyer was the earliest I could get and I wanted to get info from him before I did something that risked a reaction from her, because, like I said, I want to put myself in a good position for getting as much custody of the kids as I can. So, like I said, I had already decided what I do about exposure will come after meeting with him. And I realize he's not in it for saving my marriage. I'm not looking for his advice on that.

What I was trying to focus on is, what about trying to meet my wife's emotional needs and trying to continue to express love to her? I mentioned more of this issue in my the message that immediately followed the initial post. She is demanding space and I don't know what to do in regards to this. My efforts to meet her emotional needs and love her seem to be a love buster right now. And, like I was just alluding to, the way she is reacting to it feels like it is pushing her out the door.

I know. I hear it, too, in what I am writing. I know I am expressing a lot of fear.

Gotcha. There are no guarantees but you are more likely to get divorced if you won't expose and start fighting the affair. The elders should know the truth about the situation so they can support you.


POJA is not for use when there is an affair, though, and is not applicable to your current situation. Perhaps in recovery. But you are not even close.


Like I said, almost every lawyer has a "legal concern" about exposing and will advise you not to do it. It is much easier for him to facilitate an amicable divorce if you don't create conflict. He will probably also advise you to cooperate with your wife's affair and her affair partner.

Her reaction will be furious, of course. And she won't want to cooperate with you. We can tell you this. We have been through this thousands of times. But, keep in mind, you are much more likely to get divorced if you don't expose.

There is nothing we can do for you if you keep it a secret and enable the affair. Nothing we tell you to do will overcome your enabling. Nothing.


You should be focusing on killing the affair so you CAN meet her emotional needs.

Our best advice is to expose the affair. That is the most critical thing you can do. Her lovebank is closed to you until the affair is killed. Expose the affair and kill the affair.

WE will help you stay focused on exposure because it is so critical to any chance you have of saving your marriage.

I didn't see your post before I quoted what I had wrote about trying to meet her emotional needs, sorry.

I get what you're saying about exposure.