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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510 |
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One of the hardest things for me is that right after our breakup she wound up in bed with someone new, even though she still loved me. She claims it felt so good that I never pressured her for sex and that sex wasn't the primary interest. But even though she had what so many women claim they want in that regard, she went right back to what they claim they don't want. What does that say about what we had/have? And after all the unwholesomeness, how can there be any real intimacy in what we have? Please tell me you are kidding... You are talking about something that happened 28 years ago... a sex act. You believe that had intimacy and that the 28 years of sharing the ups and downs of life and having children, etc is NOT real intimacy but a sex act was... REALLY???? REal intimacy is being willing to disclose this knowing you wouldn't approve but finally wanting there not to be any secrets. I would not bring this up again and instead make a long list of all of the wonderful qualities about your wife. When these thoughts come into your head, verbally or with a text go to your wife and thank her for one or two things on your list. Then also make sure you are doing 15 hours of undivided attention that you both enjoy. If you do that, I bet in another year you won't even remember why you were so upset.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I agree with Indiegirl totally.
Let me tell you a story. Back in the day when I was an avid horseback rider, there was one horse that had an awkward gait and was always running with its head up or down like a goat. I thought this horse had no potential and did not like riding it. Then, one day, my friend rode that horse and I did not believe my eyes. It looked like it had just come from the Olympics. I have never seen such an elegant combination. It was not the horse that was defective. I was obviously not good for it.
Do not make the mistake to think that you did not marry a wholesome girl. Your love to her and her love to you made you and her blossom. You had what it took to be able to be that wholesome girl. Some people bring the best out in each other, while others make you wither with their toxic presence.
You DID marry a wholesome girl and she was a wholesome wife to you. She must love and trust your wholesome side a lot to have been able to tell you even her mistakes of the past that she has buried so long ago. You can choose to think that you could have married someone more perfect, but you may also choose to think: �I am glad that I did not know, because I would have missed out on this wonderful and wholesome person, because of some dumb things she did.� That is up to you.
Surely, you wanted to marry a wholesome girl, because your goal was to maximize your chance to have a wholesome marriage with a wholesome wife. And that is exactly what you got.
You are doing the right thing. Although you may temporarily feel better by talking about it (that's why you repeat it), you will feel bad in the long run, as you have also noticed. This is a really beautiful post. Which is rather unexpected given that it compares lovemaking to riding a horse...
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 13
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 13 |
Please tell me you are kidding... You are talking about something that happened 28 years ago... a sex act. You believe that had intimacy and that the 28 years of sharing the ups and downs of life and having children, etc is NOT real intimacy but a sex act was... REALLY???? No, that's not what I said. I definitely do not believe that sex acts with guys she barely knew was intimacy. That's why I referred to it as "all the unwholesomeness". But I certainly do believe there is such a thing as physical intimacy. What I'm saying is that since non-intimate sex happened all the time from the start with every guy, how can it be any different with me? Some interesting perspectives on that point have been given. ...make a long list of all of the wonderful qualities about your wife... go to your wife and thank her for one or two things on your list. Then also make sure you are doing 15 hours of undivided attention that you both enjoy. Good ideas. We have been doing those things, along with other things that make deposits in our love banks.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Some interesting perspectives on that point have been given. But do keep in mind that your feelings about this aren't going to change - you aren't going to be able to look at this dispassionately - no matter how many fascinating perspectives on the issue you get. One of the best things about this program is the acceptance of a person's feelings being valid. There's no 'you shouldn't feel like that' around here. Rather the situation is changed to suit the feelings, instead of the person told to change their feelings to suit the situation. This bothers you and I don't know that I would like to see you change into a person who was not bothered by it. I think there's something husbandly and protective about your distaste for your wife being used, even though it was before she was your wife. The way to move forward is to accept that it bothers you and so the thought should not be kept alive and uppermost in your mind. Maybe we should change the subject here to proactive matters. What does your UA time look like and how much of it is happening per week?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 13
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Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 13 |
Rather the situation is changed to suit the feelings, instead of the person told to change their feelings to suit the situation. Good point, but I have to say that I have seriously considered trying to change my principle about unwholesome sex. It would make things a whole lot easier. For now, thoughts of physical intimacy with my wife don't sit well with me most of the time. Maybe we should change the subject here to proactive matters. What does your UA time look like and how much of it is happening per week? Changing the subject will be good. I just need to take a little break first.
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