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I've read through many of the threads here on SAA and I can't seem to find one that addresses this:
WS is having an EA/PA and they were confronted by BS about it, yet they still have contact with OP and sneak around and meet with OP behind BS's back. The WS has also said they don't love BS and they want a divorce and/or have already filed. What is BS's best course of action if they want to save the marriage but WS does not want to?
Exposure? Plan A? Plan B? A combination of those?
Any one else out there ever find themselves in this situation?
How would Dr. Harley advise one to handle this?
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Hi cowboyreggie, yours is a pretty standard situation and there are thousands of threads with the same situation. Dr. Harley would advise that you go into Plan A and expose the affair. Have you read Surviving an Affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How long have you been married? Any children?
What do you know about the affair partner?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've read through many of the threads here on SAA and I can't seem to find one that addresses this:
WS is having an EA/PA and they were confronted by BS about it, yet they still have contact with OP and sneak around and meet with OP behind BS's back. That's what almost always happens. An affair is hardly ever ended with the first confrontation.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Thanks for the reply Melody. I have not read Surviving an Affair yet - I plan to pickup a copy this week.
Together 9 years, married 7 years, no kids. AP works for the same business as W but in a neighboring state. At first the contact started with texts/phone calls, but then they started meeting up very couple of weeks. W has lied to me about it. I know OM went thru a recent D and has a D9. I was considering exposing to OM's XW because her daughter's father is a home wrecker.
I'm afraid W is about to file soon and leave the house. She will barely talk to me right now, says it's too late to save the M, shutting me out and not meeting my EN. How do I implement Plan A if she leaves?
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I would focus very hard on exposing the affair so you can kill it off. If she does leave, the affair will just die faster, so don't worry about that. Your greatest focus should be on doing a super exposure that busts up the affair. Have you read the Exposure 101 thread?
I agree you should expose to the OM's wife. If they really are divorced, the affair may be the underlying cause.
Also, you can download the book SAA on your kindle, ipad or iPhone.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've read the Exposure 101 thread.
Here's where I'm conflicted - At first the contact with OM was very frequent, texts or calls every day. Since I confronted W, it has tailed off - or perhaps she has found a more underground way to communicate with him, I don't know.
Honestly our M had problems, we grew apart, and failed to meet each other's EN's and it was never addressed. We didn't communicate and it snowballed to where we are now. Is it possible that OM really isn't the reason she wants a D or have I been listening to the fog talk for too long? W has expressed zero interest in working on the M.
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Honestly our M had problems, we grew apart, and failed to meet each other's EN's and it was never addressed. We didn't communicate and it snowballed to where we are now. Is it possible that OM really isn't the reason she wants a D or have I been listening to the fog talk for too long? W has expressed zero interest in working on the M. I completely agree that your marriage probably had problems before the affair but please understand the affair is your biggest problem. She will not want to fix the marriage problems until the affair is over. So if you want to save your marriage, you should start with exposure because it is your greatest weapon in this fight to save your marriage. Here's where I'm conflicted - At first the contact with OM was very frequent, texts or calls every day. Since I confronted W, it has tailed off - or perhaps she has found a more underground way to communicate with him, I don't know. What is the conflict?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The conflict is maybe it's just as simple as she just doesn't love me any more (which she has repeated many times) and wants out and it has nothing to do with OM. And if that's the case, should I even bother exposing if that will just make her angry and lessen the chances of us having an amicable D? I think I know your response to this already Melody. 
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Why would you want to have an amicable divorce?
In fact, I think that's an oxymoron.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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The conflict is maybe it's just as simple as she just doesn't love me any more (which she has repeated many times) and wants out and it has nothing to do with OM. And if that's the case, should I even bother exposing if that will just make her angry and lessen the chances of us having an amicable D? I think I know your response to this already Melody. The only conflict here is your confusion about the situation. She doesn't love you anymore. Because she is in love with someone else! We already know this. Our goal is to save your marriage and restore the love to your marriage. Exposing her will make her FURIOUS. Count on it. Now, this may end up in divorce, but you do have a chance to save your marriage if you will expose. Even if you want to divorce, you should expose the affair because if you don't you will be dealing with this OM in your future.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why would you want to have an amicable divorce?
In fact, I think that's an oxymoron. I don't want a divorce but if that's where this is headed I want it to be amicable.
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Amicable divorce only exists in the movies.
The only way it will be amicable is if you give into everything.
You said you don't want a divorce, then you need to fight for your marriage.
Your war plan is simple, you destroy the affair by exposure.
You apply plan A to your wife.
These 2 actions have many twists and turns so be ready to adapt.
I repeat-
Amicable divorce does not exist!!!!
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Why would you want to have an amicable divorce?
In fact, I think that's an oxymoron. I don't want a divorce but if that's where this is headed I want it to be amicable. Divorce is disaster. It is the worse thing that can happen. Can you not see what you are doing? You are trying to make it palatable. As if wrapping it in a nice package and putting a pretty little bow on it will somehow make it more acceptable. If your marriage is not valuable enough to you to fight for it to the bitter end, then maybe your attitudes are one of the causes of your current problems. As Dr. Harley often says, there are no excuses for affairs, but there are reasons. Willingness to entertain an "amicable divorce" is often code for a man who wants to feel good about himself at the expense of not showing any real care for his wife. It is a sign of emotional neglect.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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mreureka, I see your point. Both W and I realize that my actions have played a large part in where our M is today. I have neglected my W's emotional needs and done a lot of lovebusting over the years. It's my biggest regret and I think about how I let her down every single day. However, I have changed my behavior, only engaging in love bank deposits and no love busters.
My marriage is valuable to me and I will fight for it. This is the hardest thing I've ever been thru so I'm just depressed and discouraged. That's why I'm on this MB forum, for support from those who have been there. I need to get over my fear of exposure. Did you expose? How did it play out?
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My wife's affair was with her boss at work. On DDay, I exposed to our Pastor and our children. The next day, I exposed to her employer. That was the end of the affair. Her boss was a playah, and he was removed pending an investigation, and ultimately lost his job. There has been no contact between the OM and my wife since Day 2. I was lucky in that he gave up the moment it wasn't any fun for him anymore. Last I heard, his wife had shortened his leash, although it is probably still not short enough to stop him from trying again with someone else.
I didn't find MB until the second week after DDay. So I really didn't need it to end the affair, but it was invaluable in our recovery.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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mreureka, I see your point. Both W and I realize that my actions have played a large part in where our M is today. I have neglected my W's emotional needs and done a lot of lovebusting over the years. It's my biggest regret and I think about how I let her down every single day. However, I have changed my behavior, only engaging in love bank deposits and no love busters.
My marriage is valuable to me and I will fight for it. This is the hardest thing I've ever been thru so I'm just depressed and discouraged. That's why I'm on this MB forum, for support from those who have been there. I need to get over my fear of exposure. Did you expose? How did it play out? Have you seen your doctor for some ADs?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Have you seen your doctor for some ADs? BrainHurts, I have not. Is that a recommendation of Dr. Harley?
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Update: From what I can tell, W has not contacted OM in 3 weeks, but she has still indicated she wants a D. She will barely talk to me, but I am still doing my part to avoid love-busting and trying to make daily deposits into her love bank. It's hard to stay motivated when she's sleeping in a different room and there is absolutely zero physical contact between us.
I mentioned to W that I want to try this Marriage Builders program with her to save our marriage and she wasn't interested. Any tips on getting her onboard?
Could she have taken her EA underground?
I need some guidance and encouragement from you fantastic folks.
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Sure she could have taken it underground which is why you need to snoop/expose. But the most likely cause of her indifference towards you is she is in withdrawal. At this point continue plan A, go to your doctor and get on antidepressent temporarily for your own pain, read up in "Surviving An affair" and just know it can take time before your efforts to deposit in her love bank will make any difference. You have not started recovery yet. Don't get into relationship talk with her right now. Talk about the weather, your garden, neighbors cat, etc.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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