You're welcome!

You've really REALLY gotten some excellent advice here, and from experienced posters too, who know Dr. Harley's concepts inside and out.
LWFH is absolutely right on.

A woman especially, wants to know that her man is going to fight for her at all costs. Not "fight" as in love busters, harsh words, etc. Fight as in support and protection from outside influences. Fight as in "heck NO I never want to lose you, and I am prepared to work harder than ever to make our marriage better than it ever was before".

KS, our goal with exposure is to save your marriage. I wouldn't tell her to move out. I think you are months away from Plan B and separation. WE all think you can save your marriage if you will expose the affair and kill it off.

All of us here in saved, recovered marriages attribute that to exposure. We want the same thing for you. All of us were scared too. But we did it and are glad we did.

Our goal is to save yoru marriage, not wreck it. I know you feel the outcome will be otherwise, but that is because you have no experience with this. We have seen this play out a thousand times.

There are no guarantees, but you best hope is exposing the affair and getting her out of that immediately. If that doesn't end the affair immediately, it will hasten its death. The OM is not going to leave his wife for your wife.

I have to agree with Neb. I did not know of MB or this site when I went through this with my ex-WW. She had an affair with OM that was part of our friends circle. I confronted her when I heard about it but never exposed to everyone. She would not admit it, and just became more careful. Eventually found her secret email address and yahoo chat activity with several men.

After that discovery I filed for divorce and told our families why. But it was not a full exposure that included the OMs, so after a brief period of abstinence, she was back at it again.

If I knew what I know now, I would have told everybody she knew about her original act of unfaithfulness, and maybe then we could have moved on.

Thank you.

Wonderful posts by Blindsighted and others. I would only add that when you expose you will have demand that she leaves the job. There is no other way. She can not work at the same company with him because every time she sees him she will go back to day 1 of withdrawal. They can assume their affair every day at work and your marriage will never recover because he will always be top of mind.

And the sense of urgency is not just NedDane's personal opinion, it is Dr. Harley's. Every day that goes by the affair becomes more and more entrenched and harder to bust up. Dr Harley said:


I know you are hoping for courage, but courage is a choice. You can choose that today. Choosing to expose will give you enormous strength and garner the support you need for this horrible dilemma. It is the first step towards recovery.

I'm sure you have placed most of your attention lately on your wife's behavior and where she is throwing HER energies and attentions in order to gather proof of this affair.

You have educated yourself and hopefully know anyone can fall prey to an affair under certain circumstances.

Now its time to shift YOUR energies to true exposure to kill the affair to attempt to save your marriage. You do not have to worry about the outcome to OM and his wife and child. You do not have to worry about your wife's anger. In fact her anger can be useful in these cases. And you do not have to worry about giving your wife blow by blow commentary about your actions to save your marriage. Come here for that. OK?

Well put graceful2b. Thank you. I'm going to visit the WW's father this evening (unannounced) to expose the affair fully, whom the WW looks up to very much and he will want what is best for his daughter. He was aware of the situation however has no clue as to her state of mind regarding the addiction. You're correct, I've spent countless hours on this. I have already gathered and shared plenty of evidence regarding the affair. It's at the point where the WW is not letting go; hence need for full exposure.

More fogbabble, marriage in another country is always recognized under US law, that is how his wife was able to get a green card. Also nobody can take a child to another country without permission. Please ignore everything your wayward says.

KS, but that is not a strategy. In order to be effective, exposure has to be comprehensive and on the same day. Please study my Exposure 101 thread and come up with a more strategic plan. Just exposing to her father is not going to do the trick. It will have the effect of what we call a "trickle exposure" which is not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the affairees so they can come after you harder.

This cannot be treated as a check the box exercise where you expose to a few minor players. That will hurt you more than it will help you.

When you expose to her father, the goal is not to educate him about the "addiction" but to give him the facts of the affair and ask for his support in persuading your wife to leave her job.

Like a pea shooter at a tiger.

Do us a favor in order to assist you Knightstone. Go to ML exposure 101 and write out your exposure notices and post here.

Your still in the mode of lecturer, educator, holding it (affair) out and away from yourself, with pinky finger as far as possible...

Get real. Exposure targets don't need to hear you describe how the affair machinery works.

They need to know what happened. Affair. They need to know how they can help you. Influence waywards to stop affair. You need to say you want to save your marriage and why. And ask for their support to save your marriage.

No lecture about addiction, anatomy of affair and so forth. Don't confuse everyone about what you want. You have been confusing everyone so far. Does he want to save his marriage or become an expert in the field?

Are you going to tell her?

Are you going to expose?

Folks, he is engaging you all in lengthy discussions as a distraction. He is diverting attention from the fact that he gave OM a promise not to expose to OMW, and he is sticking to that promise because he is a man of his word.

Without this step, the other exposures are pretty useless.

You do not KNOW that the OM's wife will leave and I am not sure why you keep bringing it up. She deserves the chance to make her own decisions based on the truth. You have not left your own wife so why do you think that OM's wife will not also want to recover her own marriage just as you.


Either way, it is shocking to see you keep the other victim here in the dark about her own life. It is outright cruel.


How would you feel to find out that everyone knew and made a thought out decision to keep YOU in the dark. Would you be ok with that?

You will not beat this by using blackmail and more deceptions... that only drags you down to lower level.


I hope to see you step up and do the right thing. Let us know when you have informed the other victim.

[/quote]
Folks, he is engaging you all in lengthy discussions as a distraction. He is diverting attention from the fact that he gave OM a promise not to expose to OMW, and he is sticking to that promise because he is a man of his word.

Without this step, the other exposures are pretty useless. [/quote]


Yes Sugarcane, I can see we are just "supply" for this guy.

Its not about keeping his word. Its the same flat-out what-happened-to-my-life fear we've all experienced, frozen on the train tracks as the train bears down.

For some reason when it's a husband with a wayward wife who calls him 'controlling' - this is a particularly effective tactic at rendering him totally immobile.

(I always want to say 'He controls you? He did a lousy job during your affair then!)

He's not worried about violating a promise to this man. This man who violated his life worse than any burglar, identity thief or assassin ever could. No.

It's the abused kid who promised not to tell and won't. Not because they think breaking the promise is wrong - but because they don't know what will happen when they do.

It may take a second jolt of pain to get this poster out of the fear freeze and it won't take long for that to happen. Hopefully it won't be a terminal one for the marriage or his own sanity.

Surely not. I find it impossible to believe he would place his wrongheaded "word" to a degenerate liar and cheater over his own marriage. I find that impossible to believe. I can see how a fogged out, scared betrayed spouse can make such stupid promises, but surely he sees the folly in that now.

KS, please come back and tell us. Are you throwing your marriage away for the "promise" you made to this faithless degenerate who has almost completely destroyed your marriage? Because if you are, this is really hopeless. If you put the affair ABOVE your own marriage then you are doomed.

Indiegirl absolutely nailed it. That is exactly how it plays out with us BH.
Wish somebody would have slapped me with that truth 5 years ago.

I'd say this poster is out of control himself. Its all a head game. Perhaps a natural default for him. I'm not saying its about his 'being a controller' but simply attempting to manage from a head space and disconnecting from his own wisdom that includes his head and heart.

Update: (TY to all of your advice...I am listening).

I broke the news to our 18 year old son (my step son whom we've lived with for 7 years). My WW was extremely against sharing her affair and saw no use. She doesn't realize the affair affected our entire family. She claimed I'm dragging her name through the mud and simply want her to look bad. I insisted it was to move forward by her taking responsibility and a step to show our family how her actions affected us. Our son was shocked, in tears and asked how she could have let this happen. The WW made excuses and said I'm controlling, smothering her and she needs space which is why she had an affair. I made it clear this was not the case. The WW presented the affair as an emotional affair and I shed light it was more than that; it was emotional, physical (sexual) and to the point that the WW brought the OM to our house when I was out of town, in our bed and while our son was upstairs in our house. It hit home at this point and the WW was absolutely furious. She said I crossed a line of no return and that she is done. I had a private talk with our son this morning and he completely understands why, and appreciates us (me) sharing with him. That he has seen a difference and that he is sad. He realizes the WW is not taking control or responsibility and until that happens salvaging our marriage is fruitless. He has hope and I let him know I am fighting with all my strength. Next exposure....the OMW. Have trust, it will happen, just not at the same rate in which everyone here suggests. I have since found the affair to be ongoing; mostly the WW pursuing the OM. I do not have details regarding intimate details but do know they touch. My word was to not expose if the affair stopped and it hasn't so my word is now to expose. Even if my WW throws herself at him, he has an obligation to defend against it and he hasn't. I am hopeful we can reconcile. Right now, the WW is definitely pushing away at a great rate.