You should be the one to tell his parents, elderly or otherwise, about their son's affair and poor behavior. They aren't going to die from the knowledge. They could be an ally for you and your marriage. They need to know and you need to be the one to tell them, not your husband. The OW's husband and family/close friends need to know, too. The OW's H can help by keeping a close eye on his wife.

Have you been snooping to see what your H is up to? You need to keep this up.

Has he agreed to the conditions of recovery? Did you look at the checklist from Dr. Harley's SAA book that was posted to you earlier on your thread? One of the requirements is no more nights apart.

YOU set the bar for recovery, Zoloft, and if you set it too low, you are going to be miserable. First, make sure the affair is killed. Then eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. Next, commit to each other transparency and accountability as well as extraordinary precautions for life to prevent another affair from happening.

And, finally, rebuild the marriage into one that is better than pre-A.

You and he should definitely not be separated. Try and schedule some UA time and make the time enjoyable for both of you. This is part of recovery. He should be willing to start in on the steps if you and he hope to recover.

Call up his parents and tell them in plain English what happened. Does this mean you didn't do a full exposure? Sort that out straight away, don't let him lie to his poor parents.

When he leaves, that will provide you with an excellent opportunity to Plan B him. Do you know how to do that? It's natural for you to love him, but if you allow him to jerk you around like this, you'll become traumatised and eventually hate him. By the time the affair dies you won't even want recovery and you'll be lucky to have escaped the nut house.

Do a strong Plan A asking him where he thinks he is going to stay since he hasn't given you a very impressive recovery plan yet. Look good, smell good, make home welcoming. Give him something to miss. Then start your Plan B preps.

In Plan B, you'll either be well enough to do recovery when it's time or divorce will hurt less, so you can't lose either way.

Okay indiegirl, sounds like good advice, amd brain hurts I will email the Harley's.
Thanks love you guys

Great and let us know when you hear back from the Harleys.

I sent the email to the Harley's , no news yet, still the same here , depression , etc . And it sucks :((

When did you send it?

If you don't hear from them in the next day or so notify the MODS so they can relay the messages to the Harleys?

Hi,
I sent it on June 26 th . How do I notify the mods? And what would I say, maybe they just don't think it's worthy of the show

Just click the button to notify the moderators that you sent an email and haven't heard back, that you want to make sure they have received it.

I heard from the Harleys today and listened to the broadcast, Im basically in a relationship with a renter and Im a buyer. Dr Harley in a nutshell says I should stay, if WH is following through with the counseling and the steps and not with any OW. You can listen to the broadcast for his full response it should upload in the archives by tomorrow i think. Try and search multiple affairs, and the date is Mon June 30th.
So I want a commitment and he just wants to rent for awhile. sucks , right?
I am so glad they took my question and it was really helpful . Today he said he was done and its been a rough day, so Im trying to decide what to do, we have an appt with Steve in the morning. I told my Husband if he was just going to tell Steve he was leaving me , I didnt need to go through that, and we could just stop right now. If he wants to have the session to work on the marriage im willing to do that. ill let you know what happens.

we had our session today , it was rough, but we are still working through , still no commitment from my WH except 1 day at a time. I just don't want to go through this pain again in 10 days, if he decides he's just not feelin it . We are doing the Emotional needs and the Love Buster questionnaires . I think Im building up resentment toward my WH because he is not committed, and thats not good right?

No that's why Dr H recommends women Plan B within weeks. Once you stop wanting recovery too, it's game over and it will also harm your health to endure such breathtaking abuse and neglect.

He can think it over and sulk in Plan B while you are talking bubble baths and painting your toenails and not taking his calls until he is serious.

Here's your show.
Radio Clip of Zoloft's Show

Ok so here's a small beginning of my plan B . I have my nieces wedding in another state . I wasn't going to go but , I'm scheduled to leave on July 12th. Even though my WH is technically doing what is required of him, he still isn't feeling it. So I thought I will leave for the wedding and not come back. I have numerous friends and family in that area that are willing to house me for awhile.
I can plan to come back my the end of the month to either move out completely or if he is ready for a commitment then consider staying . My only thing is my own fear that It will just leave him to do whatever the heck he wants including be with the OW and this just might push things in the other direction. Things are fragile right now , I know this. What do you think ?

After our session with. Steve yesterday he discouraged me from leaving. He says the pressure my WH feels is stress , not me or the process of trying to reconcile the marriage, even though WH sees it as such right now. I and the process are creating stress,but WH needs to learn to manage that stress, and if I were to leave right now , he could misinterpret that as releif that I am gone , does that make sense?
So I looked at it as what was best for me too. I would be a crying mess when I saw my family and it would cause me a lot of pain . Since it's my nieces wedding I didn't really think that was appropriate. So I am not going. I have a ticket and. I can go at any time. I have help from my friends if I choose to move so there is no issue holding me back if I choose to leave and do Plan B. I am working on not internalizing the fact that it is my fault somehow. I didn't think I was doing that, but after 32 years it's hard not to. No matter what he says and he really doesn't say it enough, in fact he is not doing any of the injury recovery stuff enough he is still in the"poor me ,Im such a jerk ,how could I have done such a terrible thing , but do I really want to be married phase? " Very painful for me that's for sure. Any comments or advice?

So Steve discouraged you from leaving. What are you supposed to do while you're there? Did you inform Steve of how much pain you're in?

Please remind me. Are you on ADs?

Update,I asked husband to leave last Friday, I caught him having a long phone convo with one of the OW. He went on a hike then called to say he finished early & would make his AA meeting, then he butt dialed me twice , 2 nd time I just listened and heard the half hour convo between the OW and himself. He borrowed the phone from a friend. I'm devastated as you can imagine . I am trying to get myself together enough to do what I need to do. He left the state , I have no idea where he is , I have to assume he is with her. Done

Zo, can you implement a proper Plan B now - do you know how to do that?

You need to change your contact details and get an IM. I am so sorry about what you have had to endure and you can't take any more contact with him.

It is very important you make it impossible to reach you/hassle you/make empty promises. It's a question of your health now.

Do read the how to Plan B correctly thread.

Have you exposed on OW's side yet?

In addition to exposing on OW's side please start to prepare for Plan B. Your WH is not serious about ending his affair(s).
How to Plan B Correctly