JEDI_Knight Yes it was my FIL. He has a history of cheating , but that was a long time ago and I believe he loves me. However,that being said, they are protective of their son.
Today my dear friend who helped me get where I am right now,to a new place, found out she has a brain tumor, so I spent part of today helping her get medical things in order, get her TDI started and all that . So very sad. It really made me miss my husband because he was a great help in these kind of situations. It's so hard to stop remembering things , even in the midst of such a crisis of someone else's . Why did this have to happen, why did he do this , I need him and yet he obviously doesn't need me. I'm having a really hard day and night. When will it get better? I also had another bad dream last night that my husband was leaving me , that's about the 4 th time and I wake up in tears and can't go back to sleep. I mean he's already gone maybe I'll try that Ambien tonight .
Zo

Sorry about your friend but its good you're there for her.

We all had the dreams. Speak to your doc about short term anti depressants. At least you're sleeping! Good job.

I would like some input , my WS IS communicating through IM, and I have asked for some spousal support among other things and he has stated that he is unable to pay anything. I have a copy of his bank account from the end of JULY that states a $25000 balance. I have no way to pay an attorney.....and am wondering if it would be okay for my IM to pass on that I KNOW that he does indeed have money?
I realize it will all come out in court eventually if it comes to that, but my sense is he will have spent it by then based on his current reaction to my request for this and other things. Does anyone have any experience with this at all?
Thanks
Zo

Can you not access this money? If not, you should hire an attorney and get legal and financial help. The attorney can get a judgment that includes attorneys fees.


This is why it is a good idea to get financial protection when you go into Plan B. If you file immediately an emergency order can put in place so he can't spend or hide the money. But if you have access to the bank account, I would take half of it now.

I agree. Don't use your I'm for negotiations, hon. For one thing you need her to be a spam filter, for another you can't ask a wayward to do anything anyway. Just expect them to do the worst possible thing.

Always either physically take the money for safekeeping or get a lawyer to safeguard it. Keep records of everything.

Go to your local family court and file for support.
There will be people there who can guide you.

Then, he will have to respond and or pay and or get the court after him.

If he has $25000 in the bank I would RUN down there and get it ASAP or have the attorney freeze the account.

Usually its a race to the bank when divorce papers have been filed.

Well, if he loved you he would contact his son and encourage him to end his affair immediately and he would also contact the OW and tell her that she will NEVER be welcome into his home or at any family events.

No money for a lawyer, I called and it is a $3500- retainer and that is just the basics, it could end up being more.
Also once I file for separation does he have access to 1/2 my IRA and my 401K ? What if I need them to live and take the hit tax wise. They are not very big , but they could help me get started in an apt when the time comes. I have about 5000- in my IRA and 12K in my 401k , the Feds will take about 40% right off the top! IF they even allow me to disperse it, some companies don't I have to call. Once I file for separation I probably can't do any of that stuff.
I can disperse my IRA , but will also take a hit tax wise because I am not old enough. That's the extent of my money , should I use it?
I have no way to just take 1/2 the money from him, wish I did. Is there a lawyer on here that could answer this for me?
Thanks
Zo

Thank you Jedi_Knight, I hope he does that, I will ask him next time we talk to see if he did.

You need to get with a lawyer. Your husband has the money right now to pay a lawyer. Get one who will help get you an emergency order to get your hands on that money. And no, the IM should not be asking for money.

Thanks MelodyLane Ill do my best, and see if I can get some help on that,

Hi Everyone,
Just checking in. I am firmly in Plan B . It has been hard I still cry a lot. I did sleep last night all the way through for the first time. I'm still having dreams, they suck. I am very thankful for my IM who has been great and helped me get through all of this. . I had to leave quickly so I'm still working through some details like filing taxes and separation papers etc. it's funny WH hasn't asked about any of those things. Anyway I'm thinking more about the future, what it will be like, by myself and that scares me. Living with others has been hard after being on my own for so long, but I'm grateful .
Zo

Good for you. We know how tough it is when you first enter Plan B. Stay focused on your healing. When you have a tough time come here to the boards.

Stay strong, friend. What are your plans for the weekend?

BrainHurts you asked about The weekend , today is Monday so that seems far away . Sometimes I'm not even sure what day it is. However, I think I will be at one or the other of my sister in laws by then. I'm in California now trying to make decisions. I'm not able to concentrate very well. I'm lucky they have both welcomed me.
Zo

That's okay, take one day at a time.

Did you ever get on any ADs? What do you do for yourself each day? Something that is just for you?

Hi BrainHurts,
No I am not on AD, although I do have them. I was trying to think of what I do for me. I couldn't come up with anything, I mean everyone is trying to help me, take me to the movies, lay out by the pool stuff like that. everything I hear or do brings up a memory and that life is gone now and I have to stop myself from saying it so I just don't join in the conversations. I'm just quiet. I need to make new memories and I don't know how to forget 32 years and it's so painful . He was my whole life , when does it stop hurting so much? Is there a length of time I can look toward when I will start to feel better? People tell me I need to get angry and I just haven't been able to do that., sometimes I think if I saw WH with OW maybe that would make me angry? I don't know.
Zo

I'm so sorry for your continued pain. Everyone's path to healing has different time frames. Some may take longer than others and 32 years isn't something you can't just get over. I'm glad you have a strong support system.

Why won't you take your ADs? Dr. Harley recommends them during this trying time. It would be just a temporary time, but I think it will help you get through the painful memories and help you stay focused.

Please remember this is a very important time for self care.

Please take care of yourself, my friend.

Hi Zo, could you simply reply to these people that it bothers you to hear reference to your past right now? 32 years is much of your life, and unless these people have been through the exact same trauma, they aren't going to be able to understand how very painful that it is for you. People who truly care about you will respect your request (It may take a couple of "it bothers me when" gentle reminders though).

The new memories will happen. It takes time, but someday soon you will have a little spark and realize that you are enjoying the present moment. I can't believe that I am telling you this (because I made almost verbatim the same complaint on my own thread lol), but there WILL come a time when the GOOD memories from your past won't hurt so badly to think of. The fond things like moments with your siblings, or memories of your children when they were young�they will again be safe to cherish.

I did not have to go Plan B, so some of the veteran Plan B'ers can offer their insights here.

For my situation, I got told early on (here on this forum) that anger would not help me, and that instead, it would only hold me in the past, and thinking about the past, which would keep me traumatized so to speak.

So I did kind of similar to what Dr. H suggests for people who have an anger problem�I learned how to RELAX when I was triggered in any way. I did this by meditation every day, sometimes 2-3 times per day at the beginning.

THINKING about your husband will NOT help you right now Zo. Remember, Plan B is for YOU to heal. You should not be talking about him with anyone (or listening to THEM talk about him!), or thinking about him at ALL.

Hi Zo

Doing nothing legally is a bad idea. Until you file for D, your WH can build up debt that you may be held responsible for and he can blow marital funds that will difficult to recover later. Have you spoken to your children or inlaws about lending you money? You can also speak to Legal Aid who may be able to help you prepare D paperwork for yourself. Can you take a loan out of your 401K? I would avoid cashing in retirement accounts if possible.