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So, you would say that there are times that she makes you angry?
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So, you would say that there are times that she makes you angry? Yes
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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Did you read the anger management 101 link BrainHurts posted? What is the first step in anger management, according to Dr. Harley?
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I can't seem to be able to listen to the clips. I know I have read a few articles Dr. Harley has posted in the past, but can't find them now
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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I can't seem to be able to listen to the clips. I know I have read a few articles Dr. Harley has posted in the past, but can't find them now Can you look back on this thread to where BrainHurts posted and click on the link?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I can't seem to be able to listen to the clips. I know I have read a few articles Dr. Harley has posted in the past, but can't find them now Can you look back on this thread to where BrainHurts posted and click on the link? yes, I opened his link to Anger Management 101, which contains several links to radio shows that I cannot get to play
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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It has been a while since I have posted. Our marriage has been a roller-coaster without a whole lot of change. We move in cycles: We go a few weeks where everything is great, we are in love, we are both happy, then we have a few weeks where she is either in conflict or withdrawal.
We are not officially following the MB program, since she has not agreed to trying it. When we are in our bad periods, she always resorts to saying she is leaving or divorcing me. If I ask to try MB, she says I had all my chances and she can't try anything else. When things are going well, I never think to ask. This is something I plan to work toward if I have another chance.
We get at least 15 hours of UA time in each week, unless we are fighting. We are very much best-friends, and can spend hours in conversation. We do not get to spend much time outside of the house with UA because of a lack of babysitters, but we very much enjoy sitting outside alone, laying in bed talking, or sitting on the couch.
My WxW is still a source of contention for us. Last year we were faced with the possibility of losing most of the custody of my DD9 due to the fact that I moved an hour away. My wife told me that she can't handle the constant threat of losing DD9, so we decided to move back to our hometown, about 2 miles from WxW. This has contributed positively to our marriage, as my wife would spend up to 4 hours a day driving DD9 to school and activities. Also, she has been able to cultivate more relationships with other moms and friends of ours since we are not in the middle of nowhere. We have joined the rec center, which has childcare, so she has been able to do more exercising, which makes her feel good.
So what is the problem? I continue to LB. DJs too. I am generally not conscious of it, and I ignore her polite warnings until she explodes in an AO, causing me to get defensive and blame her with my own AO. How do I keep doing this??? How do I stop???
Anybody out there that had problems with LBs, DJs, and AOs and overcame them? I see that last year you bought the book Love Busters. Did you read it? I would read and re-read it and talk to your wife about what's in it, and I would also suggest you start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show daily. This will get you the information you need to overcome love busters. It's where I got the information I used to do it. Don't expect your wife to be willing to do Marriage Builders with you before you have eliminated demands, disrespect, and anger.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I saw this posted on a different thread, and I just finished listening to these radio shows. I need to practice these techniques. "It is nobody's fault that I lose my temper" is what I need to repeat to myself. Looks like you were on the right track when you posted this last year, but it looks like you didn't stick with it. Last year you knew it was nobody's fault when you lose your temper, but now you believe the opposite, that she sometimes makes you angry.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Read these: How to Negotiate when You are an Emotional PersonAngry OutburstsAnd then please answer this question: What is the first step in anger management, according to Dr. Harley? Hint: The question "Does she make you angry" is a trick question.
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I can't seem to be able to listen to the clips. I know I have read a few articles Dr. Harley has posted in the past, but can't find them now Can you look back on this thread to where BrainHurts posted and click on the link? yes, I opened his link to Anger Management 101, which contains several links to radio shows that I cannot get to play What's the error you get?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What's the error you get? I am trying to listen on my phone and it shows that it is playing, but does not actually play. I can try listening on my computer later
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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And then please answer this question: What is the first step in anger management, according to Dr. Harley?
Hint: The question "Does she make you angry" is a trick question. My understanding is that nobody "makes" us angry; we have power over our own anger. So no, my wife does not make me angry.
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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Correct. You allow yourself to respond to a frustrating situation with anger. What can you do to change that response?
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Correct. You allow yourself to respond to a frustrating situation with anger. What can you do to change that response? The proper response would be to explain how the situation makes me feel without being angry or disrespectful. I have been practicing this more and more, and my threshold before I become angry has become much better. I still need to improve this however. She has made comments about how my anger toward others, inanimate objects, my children makes her upset. It is something that I often would respond with something along the lines of "Why, its not directed at you, nor does it affect you", which in itself is a DJ. Also, if it makes her upset, then I need to stop. So my solution has been to not let myself become angry, even if she is not around. If somebody cuts me off in traffic, I do not let myself become engaged. If I kick the bedframe with my little toe I do not scream an obscenity...I just hop around and say OW! or joke about it. I feel this has been very positive, but needs some fine tuning
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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She has made comments about how my anger toward others, inanimate objects, my children makes her upset. It is something that I often would respond with something along the lines of "Why, its not directed at you, nor does it affect you", which in itself is a DJ. Also, if it makes her upset, then I need to stop.[/quote[ Yep - anger at your children will typically be a love bank withdrawal even though it's not technically an AO at your wife. And if you sometimes go temporarily insane with them (which is what an AO is), there's no reason to think you won't sometimes go temporarily insane with her. How often is it helpful in life to go temporarily insane?  And you are right, telling her how she should feel is a massive disrespectful judgment. [quote]So my solution has been to not let myself become angry, even if she is not around. If somebody cuts me off in traffic, I do not let myself become engaged. If I kick the bedframe with my little toe I do not scream an obscenity...I just hop around and say OW! or joke about it. I feel this has been very positive, but needs some fine tuning Are you doing relaxation training with a GSR meter?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Are you doing relaxation training with a GSR meter? I am not doing this. I have made considerable improvement with anger. I read an article on here a while back where Dr. Harley describes working on his car and having a large angry outburst. That was me to a T. I remember one incident about 12 years ago, when I worked at an auto shop. I tripped over my fan cord, resulting in it hitting the ground from about 3 feet and getting damaged. I was so angry, I picked up a screwdriver and recoiled my arm back. My boss saw me and yelled "don't do it", but I ignored the warning and fired it right into my tool cart anyway. He told me I was fired if I ever did that again. My dad and his dad were the same way, and it took until last year to really see the error in my way. The material on there as well as the feedback from my wife made me see that anger does truly affect the ones you love, even if it is not directed toward them. There is no excuse for any anger, and by me saying that my angry outbursts are muted and infrequent compared to the past it means that I still have work to do. However, my biggest task I have according to my wife are my disrespectful judgements.
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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Well I listened to the clips again, as I recall listening to several of them a while back. I have been practicing some of the relaxation, and it has helped.
One thing that I think I will work on more is remembering that I do not need to punish her for something that was disrespectful or otherwise offensive to me. I vowed to protect, and this behavior is against that.
This is my thought for the day.
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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There is no excuse for any anger, and by me saying that my angry outbursts are muted and infrequent compared to the past it means that I still have work to do. Yes, you still have work to do. The goal is to ELIMINATE angry outbursts, not just diminish them. Markos hasn't had an angry outburst at me in almost 2 years. I can guarantee you, though, that if he were to have one today it would completely drain my love bank and I would have absolutely nothing to do with him. And we are very much in love. It only takes one time to destroy any good deposits you have made. Get a GSR meter and start using it. The relaxation training will also help you with your Disrespectful Judgements. You need to start relaxing in the face of frustration instead of resorting to attacks. Also, start listening to the radio show on a daily basis.
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Had another set-back last night...
Seems I got yelled at for holding back and not responding without thinking. My wife had a AO, which she says she is just "venting" and I need to understand that is just what she does. I paused a few times and asked her to stop being angry and talk to me. I waited to answer her a couple times, and was yelled at for not answering/listening.
It cumulated with my wife retreating to our bedroom and refusing to talk to me, and being disrespectful by ignoring me and playing on her phone. I had difficulty not responding with anger to this.
Now she is back to saying she is quitting everything, cancelling everything, and not doing anything for anyone, and preparing to leave me. This is her go-to response during any argument we have, and a huge LB for me. She has said this at least 2 dozen times.
At one point she said either we separate or get counseling. I said sure I will set it up in the morning. Then it was no, I don't want to try anymore, that I don't get anymore chances, that she can't love me anymore. She said she will just tell the counselor that she doesn't think she can feel love with me anymore. I know that we can overcome, based on the success stories around here.
I just don't know anymore. I get a list of things that I do wrong everytime we fight, but then we make up in a few days and she essentially Plan As me, acting like I am the best thing that ever happened to her. But we fall back into the same routine.
I feel like she asks me to do x, y, and z, when she is mad, then when we make up she takes x, y, and z back over. So I let her do it, then it becomes a point of contention.
I need to translate the talk into action, and do it right. I feel like if we fill out questionnaires, and I am held accountable for what is in black and white, that I can follow through. But if she will not join me, I can't seem to hang in there and actually gain forward momentum.
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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I know that eliminating LBs is the first step in restoring love, but what is the best plan of action where a spouse is closing off?
I feel like if she does not want to spend time with me that I cannot do many things that will fill her love bank.
If my wife says I am not doing anything around the house, and plan to make changes so she can move on, is me taking over all of the responsibilities, not getting angry, and not making DJs going to make her love me again?
Also, when she wants to be left alone, I have a hard time with this. I want to hash out the issue at hand, and get back to being affectionate and spending time with her. But I feel like this could be an LB for her. I just think her not talking to me for 1-2 days is an LB for me.
So I do not see how we negotiate this, if POJA says we need to come up with a solution we both enthusiastically agree with. When no agreement is there, do nothing. But I don't see where doing nothing here is really a solution.
Me DH33
Her DW33
DS3
Divorced WxW38 7/09
DD9
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