Can you describe the conversation in more detail, because this makes no sense to me. She was upset because you were "holding back?" I don't understand.

She was describing the situation with my daughter, then continued to tell me about how she was hurt, which I understand, but then started telling me that "you need to pick her up and take her to school, and get her ready and you need to change your work schedule or take time off"

This is a trigger for me, since I feel like she is punishing me for my daughter's actions. So rather than my typical response, I paused for a min, listened, and tried to calm down before responding. A few seconds later she is saying "Hello? why aren't you responding?"

An hour later I was on the TV guide and one of our shows wasn't recording. So I went to the show, and she told me that I need to go into a different screen to see why its not recording. I said ok, but I wanted to read the description of the show. Next thing I hear is a huff, and eye roll, and "WHY ARENT YOU LISTENING TO ME?" I calmly said I wanted to read the description. Then I got yelled at for not answering, and she stormed off to bed

So last night my wife repeatedly told me she wants to dissolve the marriage and separate all ties. As I noted before, this has become her go-to reaction whenever we have a disagreement.

Today I have had text messages every half hour or so, about how she is really gone, and how she is trading her phone for a standard one, how she deleted FB and our shared Gmail from her phone, then that she is done with me and told my daughter she is leaving, then she is going to drop her classes for next semester so she does not have to rely on me.

The next texts are about how my daughter has a half day of school in 2 months so I need to plan for it.

Now I got more messages about whether I am going to help with buying a bed for her to sleep in the basement, and how she wants to move her dresser and get a clothes rack.

I have told her I will come home if she wants to discuss this with me, as I do not want to have this discussion over text message. I am met with anger and threats...

Understandably I am worried about our marriage, as it obviously isn't good, and we have problems to work out. But such an animated act of separating hardly seems genuine. I know when I decided I was done in my previous marriage that I didn't want to make threats, or tell her how I was going to hurt her by going away. I just stayed away, engaged in independent behavior, and avoided talking to her unless absolutely necessary. That and I would think a desire to change your entire life would require planning, not a knee-jerk reaction.

Are these behaviors normal for somebody who is really done, or is it more of a scare tactic? I don't know how to go about solving our issues if her behavior seems so irrational.

The only thing different I would do here is when you feel anger coming on, instead of being silent, just say, I need to think about this first and then discuss it later.

You should not tolerate her anger and bully tactics either. Just let her know you cant work with her to find solutions if she is going to be angry and abusive. And you aren't agreeable to the solution she offered.


Same thing. Tell her you aren't going discuss anything with her when she treats you badly. End the conversation.

Thanks Melody.

Moving forward then, how do I get that dialog started again? Is it a matter of just being a nice guy until she is comfortable talking again?

Just let her know that you are working hard to eliminate your anger and that is why you fell silent. Tell her next time you will just let her know you need to think about it. Also tell her that her own angry outbursts are very upsetting to you and prevent you from finding solutions. Explain to her that her lovebusters greatly affect your feelings just as yours do hers.

Have I posted the Anger management clips to you, yet?

yes you did and I listened to them the other day.

So besides treating anger management, what other steps should I be taking to eliminate all of the LBs and get back to a state of love?

Also, assuming that I can convince her on board the MB program, what book would be the first one to go through? LoveBusters or Fall in love stay in love?

You both definitely need Lovebusters FIRST.

Would she say that you responded in anger?

It's hard to accept, but not doing something is not a love buster. You can't demand that your wife talk to you, and you can't act as if you are entitled to her talking to you.

The problem is your wife is not willing to work on the marriage. You have to change those feelings with consistently changed behavior on your part, over time. Demands and entitlement on your part will be love bank withdrawals, so they will be the opposite of what you want to do and will make your job harder.

She's not willing to work on the marriage and is not always willing to talk to you - and she has a right to feel that way. It's up to you to make it worth her while to be married to you and to talk to you.

Start going through Love Busters by yourself even if she is not willing to get on board the program, and start listening to the radio show daily.

Have you written Dr. Harley on the radio show?

One of the first things you need to do is stop acting as if she is irrational. That is a Disrespectful Judgement, and you will get nowhere continuing with that line of thought.

Have you done these things?

I have gone through Lovebusters once, and I am starting it over. It makes me sad that the example of Jim and Karen is almost a spot on example of our marriage.

And I have not written into the show yet.

I would plan on this being a long haul. It's going to be awhile before she feels willing to join you, and you're going to need to be near-perfect in your elimination of love busters. There's going to be a lot of things you are doing that are demanding or disrespectful without you even being aware of it.

Get to listening to that radio show - you need the experience listening to other couples and learning to identify demands and disrespect that they are engaging in, so you can start to identify your own.

I can identify a lot of the LBs that I commit. My wife can usually provide me with several examples each time she is upset with me. Then I will work on them for a few days, she will see my efforts and become affectionate again, and I become complacent again.

For me it seems that I need to change a lot of my habits, and that will solve a good chunk of my problems.

This is essential. It is often easier to identify demands and disrespect in other people than it is to see it in ourselves. Once you have the skills of identifying them in other people, you will be better equipped to see them in yourself and eliminate them.

Will you listen to today's radio show?