i'm working on evidence. tracking software is installed on cell. cannot get facebook password though

how else can I get the evidence? with teen safe, I'm just hoping she will be texting and confide in one of her friends thinking she is keeping the texts deleted and I can see what was actually said.

I will monitor the GPS to see if she leaves work for lunch.

More distractions from the real problem. I guess this makes you feel like you are actually doing something for your marriage when you aren't.

Counseling is a DISASTER when one spouse is having an affair because counselors have no earthly idea about how to save a marriage from an affair and tend to VALIDATE wayward fog babble. What will you do when the counselor suggests that there is nothing wrong with her having this little "friend" from work? Or worse, suggests a "trial separation?" Or accuses you of being "controlling" for objecting to her affair?

Counselors have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. THAT is what you are trusting your marriage to!!

Monitor your spyware and then come back here with your evidence.

If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't be deleting her texts.

If you have a Mac or PC at home, install spyware such as EBlaster on it and if she logs onto Facebook from your home computer you will be able to get the keystrokes and password. You can also see what she was perusing .. Just type in your code and voila..... It's like having a private DVR on your computer.

Beware though, if she has her FB settings set so that if an unrecognized device attempts to log on with her email/password and she hasnt authorized the machine or phone, she WILL get immediate notification by email and/or FB messenger so try to log on with a home computer that she likely has authorized and uses frequently.

i have teensafe installed on her phone and I set up at&t messages to her number without her knowing so I can see every text sent and received. so far nothing but "good" but will keep an eye on it. the few discussions I've seen haven't been anything but what she has told me.
as for the cheating, until I have actual proof...I can only speculate and am driving myself insane thinking about it. I need to relax.
no, i'm not just sitting back...i will monitor. it hurts me to do so because I've never before had any reason to NOT trust her. And I feel so low because I tell her I trust her yet I'm watching her without her knowledge.
I can understand why she feels the way she feels because hindsight shows me that I actually haven't been there as much as I should have and have done a lot to hurt her. when she brought it up in the past I would brush it off and made her feel like it did no good to bring it up. I purchased so many things selfishly and caused us some financial issues to satisfy MY needs while ignoring hers (example - paid $20k cash for a used sports car....that she couldn't even drive and give her a hard time about $200 to have her hair done.)
I am committed 100% to making it work and am pouring my heart into it. She is still in the "withdrawl" state and I'm hoping to help her find her way back. she feels she is under a microscope....and I don't blame her because I have been right on top of her lately. i've decided to back off and give her some "freedom" because i'm just driving her away even more. It's up to her how she uses it. I'm really hoping she proves that I CAN trust her. because if she IS cheating (or thinking about it)....she will think she is getting away with it.

I have recently read Love Busters, his needs / her needs, and Give & Take. and for me, that is HUGE...I absolutely HATE reading. She agreed to read them as well,and has started Love busters. I can tell her heart is not completely into it yet, but things didn't go to [censored] over night, they won't be fixed over night.

she admits that she has issues with forgiveness and needs help to get past her resentment over the past 4 years. This is where I'm hoping some counseling will help. She needs to deal with HER issue before she can effectively work on ours. she can try all she wants, but if her heart isn't in it and she has the thought in the back of her mind that she cannot get past things, what good is it.

There is nothing I want more than for things to work out but I need her on the same page before we can move forward. Maybe once she starts getting through the books she will realize that Harley's methods make so much sense and we can discuss using HIS coaching rather than typical counseling.

I just need POSITIVE input. I'm so tired of people just looking for the bad. it makes me dwell on looking for the bad.

not sure if any of this makes sense , but I guess I can only do so much at this point.

woohooboy, I did read *one* positive thing in your post and that was the fact that you have finally installed spyware on her phone. Your other thoughts seem to be very misguided and are mostly direct results of a husband who is being gaslighted. The fact that she "feels she is under a microscope" and needs some freedom is the attitude of someone who is having an affair. Why would a spouse care if they were under a microscope unless they had something to hide? And why would a spouse need "freedom" from their marriage unless they were hiding something? Not trusting a spouse does not "drive them away" unless they are hiding something.

If my husband says he does not trust me, I WANT to be under his microscope in order to prove my trustworthiness.

The solution to your wife's "resentment" is to create a happy, integrated marriage today, NOT to go to counseling. Her so called "resentment" will fade if you will focus on fixing the marriage, rather than "giving her freedom."

Even so, it is reassuring to read you have spyware on her phone. I hope you find out what is going on.

I am focused on the marriage. I was referring to freedom from stress and tension - there is a lot of that at home right now. i figured if I ease up a bit, there may be room for her to relax. if there is something going on, it will surface through her texting...which I am watching.

tonight we "talked" and she says she is trying but she cannot promise me what I want her to say. I've told her that I'm in it 100% and will do whatever it takes to make things work and i'm willing to help her through her issues as needed. she insists that it is up to HER to change her, nothing i can do and when I asked why she has so much doubt, she said "i don't hate you and you are a good person, I just don't know if I love you anymore. I can't PROMISE you what you are asking me to promise". of course we talked aobut things that led to where we are and she always seems to keep the defense in her favor. expected and I have acknowledged all of my faults and have been whole heartedly working on them. after emotions settled, I came across a few articles and it seems it is typical behavior when she is possibly pursuing someone else.

nothing worth bringing up from watching her texts yet. However, she did mention to one of her friends that she is going out with friday that the male co-worker is having a happy hour get together for his birthday friday. I had already told her I was ok with her going out with her friend. when I asked today what time she was planning on going out, she said they were thinking earlier rather than later for a "happy hour" time frame. hmm.... imagine that.

I still need to get her facebook password! I'm pretty sure she is communicating a lot through facebook messages. If I had he rpassword, i could log in via her laptop and watch while she is at work (which is where I belive they message frequently)
I bricked her ipad so it cannot be used and I installed a keylogger on her laptop. when she was showering, I did check her phone (i know the passcode) on facebook messages but nothing that is very recent. which is probably because she still deleting messages.

I'm having a very hard time being patient. I'm not sure I can hold out until I have "proof"

Can you have a PI or a unknown friend do surveillance of the "happy hour" party and afterwards?

I have been in this same boat with my H for the past year, so I empathize with you. For awhile I also thought he may have been having an affair as he was CONSTANTLY on his phone and refused to let me touch it, never walked away from it, etc. Because of this, I did not trust him completely. He knew this and it bothered him. For a little bit he did try to not be on his phone so much, and now he occasionally walks away from it and doesn't freak out if I get on it to look something up. Still he felt stressed. I felt bad for always wanting him to be top priority in my life and expecting me be his top priority in return, so after the constant arguments over how he felt smothered I, too, began to give him room to do as he pleased so he could 'relax', hoping that he would take the opportunity to try and prove to me that I really could trust him to care about how his actions were affecting me.

Well, he didn't take the opportunity and instead began to focus on himself, which ended up only making things worse. Now he feels that his IB is okay because I was fine with it before so why shouldn't I always be fine with it. So really, I ended up enabling his IB and he argues even more now about how he feels "suffocated". This time though, I am trying to encourage interdependent behavior so that he doesn't feel suffocated and we can both be happy.

My view is beginning to change to: don't let problems fester until everything explodes, work on them as they happen to reduce the risk of pain for both spouses. I agree with MelodyLane:



It will be a pain in the process to try and work on things together, but like MelodyLane said, her resentment will fade. I know I can't say much because we are just now starting to work on our marriage problems, but so far in the short term my H may get pissed and complain about not having 'freedom', and may even refuse to help me try and come up with solutions to make us both happy, but once a solution is actually found he tends to forget his resentment almost immediately.

Doing counseling and trying to make myself feel like there is hope even though she says she no longer loves me. Sometimes I feel just ending it ALL would be more painless.......

Follow the plan outlined to you already and consider taking anti-depressants if you are having a tough time. Affairs are terribly painful to deal with.

If you are having thoughts of ending your life, please call 1-800-SUICIDE. Your daughter NEEDS you in her life. Let a good friend keep your handguns for a while.