Yes, you should.
"Dates" at home do not count.
Church does not count.
I would not accept that plan.

1. and how do I handle it when he is late?

2. What about regrouping or re-negotiate the weeks UA time to include fewer dates but higher quality to get us re-started. We might not make the hours but at best make the quality higher and get that part on track. We increase the quantity when we are getting positive results from quality dates?

3. And helping myself deal w/disappointments and not roll into therapist thing?

Start over again and plan your UA time as dates OUT. You need to scheedule 20 hours a week. Write out the times, dates and the activities planned. The ONLY time at home that counts is at the END of your hottie date when you come home and rip each others clothes off.

Start over and do this RIGHT, Grace. This program does not work without this step and you can't afford to continue to play games. Raise the bar and do it RIGHT. You have piddled around long enough.


This corner cutting approach is why you find yourself in a bad marriage years after being in this program. The goal is to do so much UA time that you fall in love and CANT WAIT for your dates. That will NEVER happen if you don't get enough UA time. It takes 20 hours. Taking this minimalist approach will not achieve the goal and will only leave you both doubting the whole exercise.

The program really does work IF YOU WORK IT!

If he is an hour late for your date, then extend your date an hour longer or add another hour somewhere else.

Make sure you look HOT for your dates. Are you taking good care of yourself? Getting your nails and hair done? Are your outfits cute and attractive?

And before your H gets home for your dates, lay out a really hot shirt and ask him to wear it! Make sure you that you both dress in ways that the other finds attractive.

If you do not make the hours, then the project has FAILED. You have failed to meet your objective. Consider this to be like horseshoes. You either hit it or you don't.

We've already failed. I keep up my appearance. I could be more toned still I'm 5'5" 115 lb. I have attractive outfits. My husband is indifferent to clothing. He looks good, trim, in shape. Indifferent to my perception of his appearance.

He does not see how we can go out for our dates thru the week. Has work to catch up on after patient hours etc. I am offering to fulfill his needs, asking for mine to be fulfilled. I perceive its a win win. I have a willing heart and prep myself and set plans in motion.

I propose what I am asking for and the negotiation happens and up against other schedules my husbands seems reasonable and is doing his part (I'd asked him asked to create schedule and he did) He feels these blocked dates are not reasonable. He believes he is trying and its never enough.

During work week, extending an hour longer would mean watching him snore!

email to husband, new proposal:

Dear Husband:
I want to take a minute and see if we can agree to re-work our UA time this week. But first I apologize for rolling into a diatribe of perceived love busters last night. I'm surprised you did not run from the room or hills. To keep myself in check:

I will NOT answer your question: "what's wrong?" Over and over this spells trouble while we are focused on quality UA time. We're not doing therapy during UA time especially.

If either of us is going to run over 60 minutes late or becomes distracted away from planned UA date during the work week, we'll have to make up this time somewhere else such as add on time or another day.

Basically I want to be a source of joy and not a Warden of your life's affairs. I know its been hard for you to feel good about yourself around me. Its a big yuck for me too. Its only for this reason I thought having accountability to another individual such as Steve H would help us both stay out of this horrid space. At any rate, I'll do my best to keep myself in check and remind myself not to manage or educate you, just myself.
UA schedule this week:



Thank you for writing out our UA schedule. Here's what I want to re-work:



I want each date to be the entire package: IC, RA, A, SF



So far we have scheduled activities each night this week.



Consolidate dates or expand dates so we can fulfill enjoying all elements of UA time listed above rather then in parts and pieces throughout the week.



Evenings that are not official date nites and are---friendly and you might say less expectation oriented--- I would still enjoy this time together but feel they are more fragmented in nature. ie dinner prep, IC, A, for example, are generally operating around the house in an enjoyable compatible fashion. But this friendship kind of date doesn't have the juju to be a turn on and disqualifies it for UA time. I've not understood this and blamed you for not 'doing it right.' Its a new understanding for me.



I need UA dates outside home for IC, RA, and Affection--- basically to set the environment for SF later at home.



I want an increased number of the hot dates. I want 4 hot dates per week and to equal 20 hours.



I am confident we can do this.



Tonight:

bike ride around and catch dinner in town or have take-along picnic on our ride. have fun, enjoy IC,A, RA. home for SF.



With love,

Grace

How about filling out the UA worksheet and filling in real dates , activities, and times and taking it to him. Tell him this is what I understand is an effective schedule for UA time. It should be plannd out of the home in 4 4 hour dates according to Dr Harley. Dr H and Joyce don't even count UA time at home because it s lousy and ineffective. Say "I would like us to try this schedule. Here are some things I would like to do but we can negotiate about those activities as long as they are out of the home and we are alone. "

8-10 bike ride, lunch, shopping, dinner prep, SF (6 hours)
8-12 bike ride in town, dinner picnic, sf (3 hours)
8-13 dinner near office, sf (3 hours)
8-15 dinner and movie, sf (4 hours)
8-16 lunch & sf (3 hours)

I filled this plan using worksheet. 19 hours total.

Good job! Can you change this to deduct the movie? If not, I would add 2 hours somewhere else to make up for that lost time.

OK.

8-16 add breakfast and hike/exercise 2 hours.

UA time last night went really well. 3 hours + 3 hours. Heartened me. I'm grateful.

My husband had not read my email. I showed him how I'd made changes to our schedule. And we went for it.

While we were picnicking, he asked me what the note said. I told him just to read the note so we could have other conversation. I did not want to dice and slice the matter and possibly ruin the moment.

It was fun to ride our tandem bike to and from the park. No one at the park but us.... and ride the bike back home in the dark! A special kind of going out to dinner.

I'm grateful for all the efforts my MB friends here have put into directing me. All feedback on this thread to me has been heartfelt and meaningful to me. I recently read a article by a baseball coach fighting cancer. In coaching fashion he said about his fight: "its not the condition I'm in its the position."
He got through chemo and is onto recovery these days.

I appreciate I have better knowledge of what my job description is in terms of how I can help our recovery. I'm in a great position. I know better what I don't have to do, what hubby needs to do and so on. MelodyLane your straight shootin Texan no-nonsense won me over!

Good job, grace!! Just stick to it and don't accept failure anymore. Failure is not an option!!

My husband and I are in the habit of asking each other at the end of our dates [when we pull in the drive way] "was I very pleasant tonight?" We actually GRADE each other! It is a wonderful exercise that keeps us on our toes during our dates because we want a good grade. In the beginning, we told each other if we did something annoying. For example, it really upset my H if I looked at my cell phone or took a call. And I hated it when he sat there and watched sports if we were in a restaurant that had TVs. So, it is real important to give each other this feedback so you can both be the absolute best on your dates.

Fantastic graceful. Love hearing the great news.

Did your DH enjoy it as well?

Thanks!!

That's a good suggestion ML. I did ssk him if he was having fun. But your suggestion takes this to the next level and manages on the front and back ends of the date.

Brainhurts,
My husband did indicate he had fun! I'd had the picnic ready when he got home. So when he asked if I still wanted to go for a bike ride I said "sure and how would you feel about a dinner picnic?" This meant we stayed out of the house longer and didn't plainly return to the house after a short ride.

I asked my husband what how he would grade out date last night. At first he said he did not like to grade it but hen gave it a B. In my own heart I'd given it a B or less too.

We'd gone to a really cool restaurant after work near the office. Usually we'd drive home and go. 40 min commute.

My reason for grading:
1. Conversation was awkward, did not flow in a nice back and forth fashion. Tone level sometimes seemed low.

2. Driving home in separate cars was disrupting.

3. No SF

Husbands assessment:

1. conversation too. He thought it had something to do with the proximity of work.


This AM discussion revealed he was surprised I'd planned SF. He exclaimed: "We can't have SF every night!"

I told him it would help to read my email note I'd written 2 days ago to explain. In that note as you know Sf needs to be part of out dates. We do not typically have UA dates every night!

He finally did read and respond briefly to my note this AM! Looks like the first thing he did this AM!

I'm proud of myself for not reacting to his quips. ie the stuff this AM about the grading and the SF for example. Not trying to straighten him out. I feel different, I've let that go. Maybe a detachment I really needed. I'm sure its helping me to come here and lean in a bit rather than helplessly work both sides between us.

I remember the last time I spoke with Steve Harley, he used a metaphor about steering a ski boat. With a ski boat you have to keep your hand on the wheel or it will go in circles. I'm certainly noting my husbands reactions that aren't always helpful or "feel good" but at this juncture its more about the plan and steering the plan as I see it than getting into running in circles like I did with him the other night when our UA date fell apart. Those quips and his consultative remarks can steer us off course.

We are to have another "date" this evening. This is supposed to be the dinner and movie night. We have had to shuffle our Saturday plans a bit due to a bridal shower I forgot about but it should work out fine. This AM my husband suggested we stay in tonight. Eat in and watch a movie.

We do typically stay in on Friday nights and relax due to exhaustion from work. I said I was worried about staying in because we get distracted. I also stated I want to rebuild romantic love and these distracted and incomplete dates in our past (I mean dates that only partially met all four emotional needs) have not gotten us there.

I have to say its hard to figure out a kind of date he'll enjoy with me especially when he's making these types of statements. I know he'll be tired tonight. He's not into it and I feel bored attempting to keep conversation going and so on. And I feel guilty for pushing it. But I know the real problem isn't about what I'm asking or what I desire for our relationship. I don't think he wants romantic love with me because he is caught up more in his own freedom. I'm just doing my best to stick to the plan. He goes along like he is being compliant rather then caring. I can say without argument he is 'trying' but yet he's still in resistance.