Well, here�s my story. I am 25 and my husband and I married very young. I gave up a lot of my dreams and life plans and instead chose to marry him, a choice I have never once regretted. While we were dating I asked him if he had ever had a pornography addiction. He admitted to problems with it when he was a teenager but that it had been a long time since he had dealt with it again. A year or so into our marriage I found pornography in our browser history. I was devastated and when he came home we discussed it, much to his shame and embarrassment, and he set up some measures to protect himself from going back to it (password on the computer that only I knew, etc.) About a year later I caught him in the act and once again he was embarrassed and ashamed.

I worked hard after that to make sure we were both happy in our marriage but I never felt that he was truly honest with me about his feelings. Shortly after our third anniversary we had our first child. Six months later my husband started a business venture which eventually crashed and burned. He slipped into what I now realised was a depression. I always knew that he had problems with self-confidence, but this was an all-time low. For whatever reason, this did not stop us from intentionally becoming pregnant with our second child.

I had been just as frustrated and let down as my husband by our lack of financial stability and inability to �move up in the world.� But at some point I decided to simply be happy with what we had. I chose to be happy and found a lot of peace and comfort in this new attitude. My husband unfortunately continued to spiral.

During this time he became friends with a co-worker. He would talk about her sometimes and I even met her a few times when I was noticeably pregnant with our second child. I was never threatened by her or by my husband�s friendship with her. But eventually he began texting her frequently, especially late at night after we had tucked into bed. He helped her move into a new apartment and when I said I would help he told me it would just be easier if he went alone. When they were no longer co-workers he would go to her job to �help� her. All while he was struggling to find work for himself. I was frustrated and annoyed by this because instead of looking for a job to provide for our family, he was helping her.

When he started leaving the house at 3 or 4am to �work out�, (which I strongly objected to) and started turning off his phone anytime I was within view of it, I became suspicious of an affair. When I saw phone calls on our bill to the same number between the hours of 11pm and 4am, and when he started coming home from his �workouts� wearing jeans and no socks, and when he started grooming his �downstairs� without later making any advances on me, I became even more suspicious. In a calm and very kind and heart-felt conversation with him, I asked if he was cheating. He said no. He told me that he knew something was amiss in his life but he couldn�t figure out what it was, and that he was JUST friends with this other woman and that she was helping him figure himself out. I felt that as his wife I should be the one helping him figure himself out, but didn�t want to push him any further. He was that fragile. We had a meeting with our religious leader and when asked again, my husband said he was not having an affair.

I felt comforted and relieved. For a while.

Then less than a week later I found text messages on his phone that confirmed he was in some way romantically involved with this other woman. I was devastated. I yelled at him. I called him a liar and a coward. I told him to pack his bag and go to his parents. He refused and emotionally shut himself off. He did not react to me and refused to talk while our child was in the room. I was 7 months pregnant. I called his parents and told them what happened and to come get our child. I called our religious leader and asked him to mediate for us so we could attempt to communicate. During that conversation he admitted only to kissing the other woman. He said he still loved me, but when asked, could not decide if he wanted to work on our marriage or not, or if he was going to end his affair. Even after that, I still wanted to stay together and work things out. So our leader suggested we separate for a week to give him time to think it over and make a decision. I knew that time apart could simply give him an excuse to run to his lover, but I also knew that I couldn�t be in the same house as him. I would nag him and pester him for an answer. So away I went with our child to his parents� house to wait.

After two weeks he still didn�t have an answer for me but told me he was no longer seeing the other woman or even speaking to her. He said he needed time to figure himself out before he could be in a relationship with anyone. I was crushed. A week later I saw him driving to her apartment. I confronted him in the parking lot, shouted at him, called him a liar, demanded to know why he married me. He tried to walk away so I grabbed him by the front of his jacket. He tried to pull my hands off but I wouldn�t budge. So he started pushing me backwards until I ran into a car. I hit my back and was startled and scared that he had pushed me. I could tell that he immediately realised what he had done and hadn�t intended to hurt me. He apologised, let me go, and walked away.

After that our separation became permanent. Because he had cut me off financially, I went on social assistance and attempted to tackle my debt alone. He attacked me verbally several times, rarely came to see our child, lied constantly about where he was living and what he was doing, if he communicated at all. In one conversation he told me he wanted a divorce because it would be easier than making me wait around while he tried to figure himself out. He told me that the affair had been sexual before I discovered it but that he stopped having sex with me after he started having sex with her. (I was tested several times anyway because I didn�t want my baby to end up with some disease.) He even admitted to intentionally deceiving me to �keep me off the scent of what he was doing�. And he alluded to wanting to make his affair a permanent relationship. But at the same time he would show moments of concern for me, moments of obvious sadness and loneliness, and moments of kindness. He was so erratic my counsellor and I seriously wondered if he was on drugs. During this time I couldn�t feel anything except pain and grief and absolute, mind numbing confusion.

After our second child was born (he was not present, by my decision) he came once or twice a week to visit our children. Our conversations were always superficial but rarely of a caustic nature. When our baby was two months old I took our children out of town to see my family. My husband wasn�t happy about it but eventually gave in and allowed it. When we came back five weeks later, my husband seemed different. He came around nearly every day and eventually approached me. He wanted to know how I was, how this had affected me, if I was experiencing backlash, how his parents were treating me, how I felt about him, if I was still interested in reconciliation. I was floored. This was an absolute 180 from the previous 6 months of his behaviour.

His temperament and behaviour completely changed. He was open, honest, conversational. He admitted to his faults and owned up to his behaviour. Even before the affair he never did that. He was never the type of person to admit fault or apologise. He seemed like a different person, a GOOD person, and I really liked that. He told me he had ended things with his lover while I had been away with our children, but that he still lived with her in a separate bedroom. He realised she was miserable and being with her made him miserable. I asked him what made him change his mind and he told me that one day he woke up and his brain turned on. In that moment I think he finally realised the absolute horror of what he had done.

Because I wanted him to get better and our marriage to get better, I consented to letting him move into his parents� house with us, simply to get him away from the other woman. He had his own room and we took things VERY slowly. He has become more financially responsible and has paid off a large portion of my debt and said it�s the least he can do for making me deal with my finances alone. He gives me things I want and does the things I ask, usually without complaint. At his suggestion we started counselling. He has insisted that everything go at my pace and has never pushed me to do or say or accept anything. He has been incredibly patient and kind and has never blamed me for his affair. There were behaviours in me that had led him to feel unloved by me, but he also knew that it was his own lack of love for himself that was the true root of the problem. He also admitted that his pornography addiction had interfered with his life every few days since his adolescence, even through our entire marriage.

It has been 3 months since we reconciled and we are now sharing a bedroom, but have not had sex. He has opened up considerably during counselling and tried to reassure me in several ways that the affair is over and that he no longer has contact with her (password to his phone, permission to snoop, answers without anger, I know where he is at all times, etc.) but I still fear he is somehow deceiving me. I know it isn�t rational. Why on earth would someone make so many changes for good just for the sake of hiding a continued affair? Even our counsellor said it wouldn�t make sense. There is too much evidence in support of his honesty.

I know that the fear and resentment will subside in time, especially if we follow your Basic Concepts. But my biggest problem now is fear of having my own affair.

I find myself daydreaming of an alternate life, one where I am single and without children, succeeding in a great career that I love, dating several men, often bringing them home for sex, absolutely no commitment, completely independent. I want to be rebellious and do all the things I was raised not to do. This is frustrating to me because it is not my style. I�ve always been a rule-keeper. I flirted and dated a lot in my youth but once I was in a relationship, I was loyal and committed. I didn�t even allow myself to contemplate being with other men. I kept a good grip on myself, especially during my marriage. I never drank or did drugs and I never had sex until I was married.

I have no desire to hurt my husband. I know how much an affair of my own would devastate him and how much it could impact and harm my children, as young as they are. I know how much pain and grief and WORK it would create. I know that if I truly want my marriage to succeed (which I whole-heartedly do) that my own affair would be an enormous wrench in the system. I KNOW all this. But I just can�t seem to get my heart to care.

I feel so hurt, so abandoned, so unloved and unappreciated. Our first child has been thrown head-long into the terrible twos and our baby is by definition very needy. I just feel tired and overwhelmed and empty. I don�t care anymore. I�m not angry. I�m not resentful. I just don�t care. I even told my husband through tears one day that I don�t want to be a mother or a wife anymore; I just want to be alone in the mountains, alone, with my books, alone.

Why do I feel this way? My husband tries to love me, tries to help around the house and with the kids, and rarely ever does it begrudgingly. He asks me what�s wrong when he can clearly tell something�s up. He tries to spend all his time with me. (Quality time is huge for me.) He holds my hand and rubs my back and even gives me spontaneous kisses in public. (PDA and kissing are two things he does not enjoy, but physical affection is HUGE for me.) I feel like he�s playing to my needs but my Love Bank is still empty.

During our separation I went through the stages of Denial, Anger, and Bargaining. Is it possible that I�m just moving forward into the stage of Depression? Where do I go from here? What do I do? Wait it out? Keep up the good habits and continue with Radical Honesty? I know I should tell my husband how I feel and about the fantasies, but how? I don�t want to hurt him. I want us both to be happy.

Welcome to MB.

I applaud you for reaching out before you make a terrible and horrific choice to have an affair.

I'm afraid that your marriage hasn't recovered from your WH's affair.

Please hit Notify and ask the MODS to move your thread to SAA.
Has your WH been tested for STD/I?

Who all did you expose to? Who did your expose to on OW's side?

Please read this. SAA-Start Here First

Also, what spyware do you have installed? You need to verify NC

It's because you need a happy marriage, or hope of one and to be loved and wanted.

I'd suggest the MB plan - either personal or marital recovery. I chose personal but lots of people here have happily recovered marriages.

One part of the MB plan is radical honesty. Tell your H how you feel to prevent your weaknesses triumphing. If he had done the same - it would have prevented his A.

What parts of MB have you followed, for example is Exposure done?

Is the quality time in the region of 20 hours a week without the children? If it's less it won't work.

An affair needs serious healing time

Thanks. That's exactly what I was looking for. There's SO MUCH on this site. I had already done the site tour and much of the Recovering from an Affair, but I felt like I was missing something.

What are MB and NC? And why do I need to check my spyware?

MB is marriagebuilders, NC is no contact.

Spyware installed without his knowledge helps you to verify there is no contact. The goal is to check, seeing nothing until you get bored which helps rebuild trust. It's also fantastically common for spouses to return home without truly breaking off the affair, so you need to be sure.

How much of the following have you done to affair proof your marriage and kick start recovery? Exposure is the most important step: it is the first step.

[quote=]Here is a checklist for how affairs should end. From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

"The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives."


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

[/quote]

There's a full list of our acronyms in the announcement forum under notable posts. Other ones you might see are OP other person, OW other woman, WH wayward husband, BW betrayed wife.

He chose to be tested after our separation and results were negative, as were mine during pregnancy. I told him as a trust activity we need to go and be tested together before we een contemplate sex.

His whole family knows. A few of my family. And many of my friends. And our religious leaders. I'm the one who outed him. I don't believe he has told anyone, not even his best friend. As for the other woman, I don't believe she ever told anyone that it was an adulterous relationship and they never went public with it.

What kind should I look to download? He has a Blackberry.

Check the Operation Investigate forum.

Personally, I used Trackwary. It was very good and well worth the money.

These guys have great advice,and if you can get your WH to follow the MB plan, I have no doubt you can fix things. I on the other had can not give you good advice, because I have the exact same problem as you. I can't stop thinking about my wifes Emotional affair, and the bad thing is my thoughts have turned from hurt and pain, to thoughts of "I wonder what it would be like?", and "Why do I have to maintain such good boundaries around other women?", but the thing is, I don't want that at all.
I have been faithful to my Wife for 18 years, and I don't ever want to do that. I think the thoughts keep coming back, because I just would love to feel wanted again. I would love the excitement of being with someone that wanted to be with me. My wife tells me that she still wants me, but with the events of the past 8 months, I hardly feel like she does. It's hard to believe someone that was willing to lie right to your face, when you were in the most pain you have ever been in. I want the thoughts to go away, but it seams like I catch myself on a daily basis. I hope you find a way to fix things.

Maybe that's what I'm craving: excitement, passion, freedom. Here I am in the middle of this marriage that feels a lot like work, pain, frustration, and discomfort. It doesn't feel fun or loving or fulfilling at all!!

When I read your story yesterday, my heart ached, because I could feel your pain and frustration. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last 8 months, and sometimes I just feel so tired, and wonder if it is worth all the pain. I believe trust is such an important part of a marriage, and I am struggling so bad right now, wondering if I can ever trust with my whole heart again. I just don�t want to feel broken anymore.

I know just how you feel Roughrock18.
My wife had affairs with 3 men over the course of 1.5 years.
She did not stop until I caught her. (In early May 2014)
I would feel a lot better if she stopped on her own.

Why did she have to continue after the first time?
Does she have a conscience?
The mind movies are the very worst.
I feel my wife is trying to help me, but I feel she doesn't understand me and what I'm going through.

Thsiswhtimftgfr,
Have you been doing any investigating? Haven't seen you post again, and wonder how it's going. I have been taking a beating on my thread, so I don't want to reply anymore. You can go read it if you want, but don't use my story as an example.

I did a lot of investigating before I finally found irrefutable proof last October. We separated for 6 months, during which point I exposed to a lot of people. In May he finally turned his brain on and left the OW. She is an extremely damaged person, very violent, abusive (emotionally as well as physically) and manipulative. She threw a fit whenever he tried to come see our kids and was very childish and needy.

He says he realised that the way she behaved as a human being (needy, co-dependent, inreliable, irresponsible, thoughtless, etc.) was exactly the way he has been behaving in our marriage. He felt pretty stupid after that realisation. He thought he was in love with her, but after being with the OW he realised I had everything he wanted in a companion.

He tells me nearly every day reasons he loves me, most of which he came to appreciate during our separation. The biggest and most important revelation he had though, was that it wasn't that he didn't love me. It's that he didn't love himself. And that's the one person he can never ever escape. So unless he learns to love himself, he'l never be happy, no matter who he's with.

As for current investigation. I need to decide which spyware is best and then install it on his phone. He gives me access to it whenever I want, but he could always delete things before I get a chance to find them. He kept a near-daily pornography addiction from me for nearly 6 years and only twice got caught or gave me reason to be suspicious. The man knows how to hide is tracks.

I don't suspect that he is continuing the affair, or that he's started a new one. Too much change in his personailty and attitude and behaviour has changed to give me a reason to think he's still being unfaithful (other than the porn, I know that one is going to take a lot of time and rehabilitation to kick.) But if he was, I imagine he'd be a LOT more sneaky and careful about it. Which is why I've chosen not to trust him and to continue to investigate.

ThsIsWhtImFtngFr,
yes, that is what I am trying/doing. I just need to get up the courage to execute a few things. I tried to PM you, but can't figure it out. Will you email me at **EDIT** I have some questions about your situation, and how it relates to mine and my WS.

BTW,I was referring to the post you made on my thread. I kind of forgot which one I was reading when I replied.

Roughrock18,

I tried to send a PM to someone earlier as well but can't seem to get it to work. I've sent the MB team a message about this. Also, not sure if you noticed, but one of my comments on your stream stirred up some confrontation. I apologise for that. My comments have since been deleted.