You asked for posts so here it is. Nothing special, pretty standard affair stuff. Wife travels as a nurse. She has been doing online courses for midwifery and there met up with the boyfriend of a nurse she worked with in Texas. He was a cheater and a mooch then but my wife fell for him. while on assignment in San Diego, they consummated their relationship in one of the Marriott free roomms she earns for traveling (she was staying with her sister in an apartment. He hiut it and quit it but she was totally in love, still is. The affair is over because he split. She doesn't love me, has nothing for the kids and is basically completely narcissistic. Initially I did a lot of good things. Demanded the affair end, exposed it to everyone and took every media program of hers apart so that I know more about the affair than she does (he was with 3 other women in FB affairs at the same time, they are all 23-25 yo which is why he didn't want to do my 43 yo wife again. Told his locker room buddy she was "chubby" and "like doing a corpse".) My wife knows he was with one other woman besides her and her girlfriend but thinks he is a saint. As I read on one of the posts, they really do become functional idiots. Still... I love her. My children are devastated. she has thrown them aside as well, will not even talk to them, avoids the conversation all together. they are mad at me because they want me to divorce her. It has been tough fro a number of perspectives. fortunately a buddy of mine gave me HNHN and it opened my eyes to the things I had fallen short on. SAA was spellbinding because it laid everything out as if he were living in my house, scary. these forums have been great because you have all seen this before. I think that is most comforting. I am not strange or unique, this happens to a lot of good people. I do have two questions for the board, forgive me if they've been asked a million times. 1. I own a business and deal with a large portion of myu community. I don't have to spell out what happened once word got out in our small community. when you are devoted to your wife and turn down propositions on a weekly basis, blood in the water creates an ugly scene. Still I find myself dwelling on several of the women who are incredible. How have others protected themselves from derailing recovery by succumbing to other women who are making their interests known? 2. I am working on meeting her needs even though her withdrawal is 3 months in. The affair is over, not by her choice, is Plan B in effect if she doesn't come around or is it only for WS who continue the afair?

BH 47
WS 43
Kids 3 - 19, 17, 15
Married 20 years April 1, 2014
Affair 05-05-2014
DDay 05-27-2014

Sir please post in Surviving an Affair for help

Sorry

Have you exposed her affair?

Have you been tested for STDs?

Drew3rd,

Expose the OM to everyone in his life, his parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents, work, church, facebook contacts yes pay a $1.00 each etc.

OM will likely tell your WW never to contact him ever again in his life hopefully breaking the dracula spell he has on your WW.

Also expose OM on http://www.cheaterville.com/

Find out who the other women OM is with and tell their boyfriends or spouses too.

God Bless
Gamma

You need to ask yourself one very fundamental question, do I want to stay in this marriage? You need to take the time to answer that honestly and without regret.

No one would blame you if you said divorce, adultery is a dealbreaker for a lot of people.

If you want the marriage, then Plan A. Which means stay away from other women, you MUST control yourself!!!!!
It sounds as if your wife has not committed to recovery, so if you are choosing the marriage you need to plan A for as long as you can stomach it (it will be the hardest thing you ever do, followed closely by recovery)

Come back for advice when you decide what you want, then the vets will direct you on Plan A or next steps.

First off, realize that an *incredible* woman does not throw herself at a married man, especially one who she has heard through the grapevine is vulnerable. Around here we call those predators, not incredible women.

You will hear of many, many incredible women if you stick around here. Women who in the face of the most devastating moments, remained faithful, cared for their children, and built a fire out of ashes. NONE of them, would have hit on a married man in crisis.

What kind of business do you have that allows women to proposition you weekly??? Unless and until you are no longer married, these boundaries will need to change.

Yes it is common for BS's to fantasize about revenge. The way to combat it is to create a life where there is NO OPPORTUNITY to have a revenge affair, or any affair.

Thank you. That is most helpful. you have broken "the spell" I was falling under.

I am a State Farm agent so I am dealing with people concerning very important and intimate life details. Financial planning, Life insurance discussions and the like. I know it sounds boring but it creates deep trust with my clients which is essential. Many of the women who have made passes in the past are the usual monthly suspect when they are in my office. Never, not one time, in my entire life have I been tempted. Now that my wife had an afair I go back and forth betwen wanting to save my marriage at all costs and what I call greener grass syndrome. The idea that I could start over with a "faithful" woman. I know intellectually that is ridiculous but the flesh whispers "why waste the effort on your tramp wife"? I want to restore my marriage but I am struggling with the roller coaster. Unwritten, you have no idea how powerful your words are. This is predatory and I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind. That word cut through everything and brought me instant relief, thank you.

Brianhurts, I am friends with his girlfriend, I did tell her and she has finally ended things with him. She has known he was a cheater for years but I guess doing her girlfriend was it. I haven't told anyone else on his side because I don't know anyone and he dumped all of his FB stuff once he found out I had it hacked. He is a non-factor at this point, he isn't in to middle aged women. The sick part is he did this on a dare or a "challenge accepted". He wanted to prove to a buddy he could bang a "happily married" woman. My wife was the lucky lady:)

Drew;
Dr. Harley maintains that, under the right conditions, EVERYONE is vulnerable to be unfaithful. So the grass is NOT greener...It is the conditions (boundaries) that make the difference. Keep your walls high and strong.

Well, you *could* start over with a faithful woman. You could make the choice right now, or at any time, to divorce your wife and start over with a woman who has never cheated.

BUT, realize that is not the kind of women you are being tempted with WHILE YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. You could start over with a faithful woman AFTER you divorce your wife, after the ink drys on the final documents. Until that happens, nobody you are tempted to be with is 'faithful'. Wouldn't those women all be categorized as 'tramps' too, if they were to mess with a married man?

Keep in mind, that if you have never been adulterous yourself, and because of your wife's actions you also decide to roll around in the pig pen, then you have compromised your OWN faithfulness and morals. If you did choose to divorce and move on, you would have to explain that to the woman you move on to some day. YOU are the one who benefits the most by keeping your boundaries high. One way or the other, you can come out of this proud of the way you handled yourself.

Unwritten, are you a counselor? You have a knack for distilling everything to its most logical conclusion. Thanks. Brianhurts, I did have her checked out for STD's, all clear, not that she will have sex with me. I exposed her and him, thanks to whoever gave me the cheatervillelink, got that done. One thing I will not do is ignore your advice. I am encouraged my initial instincts were good but there are things you guys have brought up that I didn't know about or think of and they have helped me so much in such a short period of time. Thank you Unwritten for the "predator" piece. You cannot know how much peace that has given me.

Have you been tested?

Who all did you expose to? Did you tell your children?

Brianhurts I expsed to my children family her family, the OM's girlfriend and numerous friends including her 4 prayergroup sisters. I have to say one of the things I believe is inhibiting her recovery is how everyone blamed me for the affair excepting my children and her father. They talk about how I wasn't meeting her need for intimate conversation, which is true, and so what she did was inevitable. If she had received shock and horro I really believe she would have snapped out of this more quickly. Now she just avoids my children and her father because she doesn't like conversations with them.

She's 100% responsible for her affair. You may be 50% responsible for your marriage, but she's 100% responsible for her affair.

Good for your kids and her father. We need more soldiers in the fight against adultery.

People who blame the BS are usually wayward themselves.

But if you admit you didn't do a good job with IC how can you change that? Will she write a NC letter? Is she going to quit that traveling job?

Will she put EPs in place?
Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA

She isn't't willing to do much more than marriage counseling at this point. She has taken a job near home so she isn't away but she works nights and that's where she started the affair online. She just finished SAA so she is having to swallow that full exposure and demanding a clean break were obvious. She was really angry with me even though the OM doesn't want anything to do with her.

Brain hurts, it's funny you talk about wayward. All of these women hate their husbands. She is surrounded by terrible advice except one. Lately I notice she is seeking her out more and more. That does encourage me.