We're not typical then - we don't have conflicts every day. He goes to work, comes home, and we spend our time together. He's always cussed at me when he's mad. I finally got fed up with it, and have been trying to get him to cut it out for a few months now. He gets better, but when he's mad, he's mad.

And him being mad is rare. But it's nasty when he is. And like I said, this is really our first time using poja, because there's not really much for us to disagree on. I don't want us to go, he does, we don't know how to negotiate it. He gave in reluctantly, and got nasty about it. Since we've been using MB (not very long) this is the first thing that's come up, that we just don't agree on.

I do have love busters, and all the other books, (Books and cds). We're on FILSIL, but we're still on emotional needs. We've just skimmed everything else so far. Guess we need to skip ahead to lovebusters?

Thank you. I'm reading through her thread now.

I'll discuss starting LB with him tomorrow.

Thanks again!

I'm starting to hate him and l never thought that was possible.

Will he listen to the clips in here?
Anger Management 101

I would look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you care at all about how I feel? If you do, you sure have a funny way of showing it! I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. But it sure will be unpleasant for both of us if you keep treating me this way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

If he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. From this moment on you will never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. I will agree to do the same with you. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, even by the man I love."

It may take him a while to digest what you say, and he may leave in a huff. But once it sinks in, he will probably agree with you that at least some of the problem is his.

Early on, I came to recognize that angry outbursts are probably the most damaging thing a spouse can do in marriage. I say this in spite of my recognition that infidelity is also a very damaging behavior. But I'm often more optimistic about the recovery of a marriage that has suffered from infidelity than than recovery of a marriage that suffers from angry outbursts. The primary reason that angry outbursts just about eliminate the hope of marital happiness is that even if they are very infrequent, they prevent a couple from solving their problems because the threat always hangs over every conversation. The first guideline for marital negotiation is to make the discussion pleasant and safe, and an angry spouse fails that very first condition, making the rest of it impossible to implement. Angry spouses simply create an environment that makes it impossible to make marital adjustments. That's why I advise couples with multiple problems that include anger to overcome the anger first, and then focus on the rest of the problems later.

She and her husband are in full recovery now. I believe it has been over a year since her H had an angry outburst. The last time it happened she booted him out.

What am I supposed to do if my husband won't quit cheating with porn? I want to leave, but I was stupid enough to be a mom/housewife. Our kids are 20/17, and I've only done volunteer work.

Then you should separate until he stops his abusive behaviour. Dr. Harley would recommend a separation until he stops. He would still need to provide financially. Have you started to put some money aside?

Have you emailed Dr Harley?