Thanks for all the input you have given me a lot to think about.

Did you respond to OM's email?

I have not slept in a few days so I am going to hit the hay.

Excellent!

So now how about Facebook and any other social network account�is ALL deleted and closed and no new accounts?
Did you change your cell number?

Could you please answer this?

Dr Harley does not recommend 'forgiveness.' He advises instead creating an integrated marriage where you meet each other's needs and follow precautions to make it next to impossible to have an affair. Doesn't this sound great?

What were you doing to 'fix' this? This, by the way, was the single most destructive and painful thing one spouse can do to another. With that in mind, the 'fix' must be pretty life changing don't you think?

Regarding feeling like everything he is telling you is a lie...well, anyone who has lived with a spouse who is cheating knows ALL about feeling like their life is one big lie. I am sure you have told many MANY lies to your husband, yes? Yet you are this upset over him telling you a *lie* that he 'forgave' this most painful offense. Please in your own mind ask yourself if that makes any sense to you.

People will be harsh here. Not because you are the wayward, there are many former WS's that are respected forum members. But because you are still in an affair dog. You are playing the victim card and seemingly not at all concerned for your real victim. You want sweep this under the rug and not do the hard work to 'fix this.' But this forum is to help YOU too, when you are ready.

The just compensation that Dr. Harley talks about is not punishment and is something that is truly enjoyed by both WS and BS. (If it's not truly enjoyed, it's not being done right.)

Dr. Harley's article on "forgive and forget" has been up for years; I don't think his stance on that subject has changed in a long time, if ever. The point is that rather than just "forgiving and forgetting," fixing the marriage will end up making the betrayed spouse and the formerly wayward spouse A LOT happier! In the case of an affair, it is within the offender's power to make up for what they did by restoring the marriage, which will be work for both husband and wife, but will get the wayward spouse what they were wanting out of the marriage all along.

Maybe someone needs to read this. Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

I'm willing to bet the affair is still on. POSOM contacted her angry and now she is doing damage control because of the cheaterville post. In short she lost her cake!

Marie, it hurts because what you did was shameful. No one likes their shameful deeds exposed to the light, where they can be seen by all. It feels better to keep them hidden.

It needed to be done, much like a doctor lacing a wound so it can heal properly.

Arguing about it will get you no where, and in fact it would be counterproductive. The best thing to do now is move forward. On that note, what are the two of you doing to recover the marriage?

This needs to be answered.

You did respond to OM, didn't you.
Is talking to him worth throwing your family away?

After rereading this forum I realize how silly it was for me to ask my original question. The bottom line is that dr. Harley cannot restore the relationship with my husband. Only god and his son give us the template for the love, grace and mercy necessary for two deeply flawed individuals to spend a lifetime together. My husband has been hurt by my actions. I have been hurt by my husband. Christ did nothing but live a perfect life and he carried the weight for all. I wish all of you the best, even you Melody, but I think my time, energy and emotions would be out to better use by working on my relationship with the creator. I believe by doing that the rest will fall right in line. God bless.
**EDIT**

Translation: You guys have figured me out and I am upset because my cake will be taken from me. I like the status quo of two men feeling my emotional needs and it's too much work to do what is right and I want to continue doing wrong because God told me to. POSOM is a good guy you all just don't understand how evil my husband is he's abusive blah, blah, blah.

Now I will give my poor BH ultimatums so he will stop using marriage builders because it's hurting me to see the consequences of my bad decisions and forget about my BH. It's all about ME ME ME!

Ma'am,

You are correct that we need to live lives pleasing to God.
Boundaries, such as those taught by Dr. Harley as "extraordinary precautions" help us do that.

You have an attitude of entitlement (such as "I've been hurt by my husbands actions") that will not be pleasing to God.
The Bible says that God hates liars and adulterers.
You purposely lied to your husband to carry on an affair and then got mad because he exposed it.

If you want to get serious about being pleasing to God and having a God centered marriage then it time to stop playing games with God, your husband and your affair partner.

Marie, making amends to your husband is a very important first step as a Christian. The bottom line is that Dr. Harley is a gifted and blessed psychologist who has restored thousands of marriages in his 40 year career. While that is a noble endeavor to restore your relationship with God, He also expects you to restore your marriage from the damage of your affair. Sweeping your affair under the rug is will not restore your marriage. God honors marriage, keep that in mind.



A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. Proverbs 18:2

Marie, how do you know God is not providing by bringing you and your husband to this site?

God provides you with a means to get food, but does it magically appear in your mouth? No. God provides us with abilities, and a job to make the money to buy the food, legs to get us to the store, hands to put the food in our mouth. Just as God will provide you with the means to RESTORE YOUR MARRIAGE. He will not magically *poof* restore it and make you whole again, he will expect a little bit of effort out of you too, don't you think?

Dr. Harley cannot restore ANY of our marriages. He can provide the expert advice and we ourselves can choose whether to take it and have a great marriage or not. WE restore our marriages by doing the work. The work is creating a marriage that is free from anger and disrespect, and is one of loving extraordinary care. Does this not sound like the kind of marriage God would want you to work towards?

I believe God provided all the wisdom and guidance we need through his scripture. My husband and I have been searching for answers to our pain in the wrong places. I am happy Dr. Harley worked so well for all of you and portions of his information have been helpful to my husband and I but this forum is really destructive. We both have real people in our lives to hold us accountable. People who love both of us. Thank you for all your input.