|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
And I did address the questions pages ago no one responded to that.... Where is your answer to this checklist? Which of the following has been done? What is left to do?
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Marie, have you installed the Marriage Builders Radio app yet?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
You are quite right Markos or Dr. Harley is....I was having a difficult time because i was holding on to bitterness of the past. I am trying my best to move forward. I won't bring up the cheaterville thing again. I was so very hopeful when I saw this yesterday and then log in to see what being rehashed over and over again?? Time to put this in the past and move on to the business of recovering your marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Have you considered going on ADs?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254 |
Okay so the only things I have not done on the list is change the phone number and get on day shift . My husband and I have been together "engaged" for eight hours today alone. We spend at least 20-30 hours a week together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254 |
My husband will have to get a second job if I change to day shift which would cut into our time together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My husband will have to get a second job if I change to day shift which would cut into our time together. You need to find a solution to this problem so you are working the day shift.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254 |
We talked about it but I just don't know how. I will turn it over to god. Something may turn up.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
We talked about it but I just don't know how. I will turn it over to god. Something may turn up. Keep in mind that the most important thing is your marriage, not your finances. Prioritize your marriage in first place instead of last place. Dr. Harley explained this to another couple on the private forum: Regarding the three goals that your husband has expressed, he may fail to achieve any of them if he doesn't prioritize them. Let's consider how they might be prioritized. If he were to put most of his time and energy into saving his business, and ignore his son and you, he might lose his business, you and his son. If he put most of his time and energy into molding his son for a successful life, he might lose his business and you, and his son may still have trouble adjusting in life. But if he put most of his time and energy into saving his marriage, there's a good chance that he would save it, his business, and help his son steer a successful course in life. That's because having a successful marriage makes you successful at many of your other important objectives in life. Joyce and I are living proof that when you put your marriage first, your children thrive and your business succeeds. That's because a successful marriage adds wisdom to the decisions you make in every other part of life. But if he doesn't put his marriage first, he's likely to lose most of everything else that he values.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391 |
We talked about it but I just don't know how. I will turn it over to god. Something may turn up. Faith Without Works Is Dead. A very Serious need for the both of you is to POHA, (Policy Of Joint Agreement), an stic agreement to expeditiously arrive at a solution to unify your working schedules so that you both are home and awake together, thriving in enjoying each others UA Quality time together. LTL
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 35
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 35 |
I talked to the guy after my husband posted us on cheaterville and contacted his ex girl friend. I have absolutely no feelings left for this man and it was not a "reconnection" or anything of the sort. He was working his own angle which I recognized and I have told my husband the entire thing. I have talked to the ex girlfriend and told her the truth. He will never contact me again because I am not going to do anything to help his sorry cause. I am a nurse I have no option to work day shift at this point but my husband and I text several times a night. I will happily change everything but when I tell you there is no reason to i being totally honest. We do spend all of our time together and he knows where I am 100% of the time. He controls the money so he knows what I spend always.
This is copied from previous
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 35
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 35 |
MarieMab
Member
Registered: 08/19/14
Posts: 63
Okay so the only things I have not done on the list is change the phone number and get on day shift . My husband and I have been together "engaged" for eight hours today alone. We spend at least 20-30 hours a week together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254 |
Sorry. I was using my husbands iPad and forgot it auto logged him
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433 |
MarieMab
Member
Registered: 08/19/14
Posts: 63
Okay so the only things I have not done on the list is change the phone number and get on day shift . My husband and I have been together "engaged" for eight hours today alone. We spend at least 20-30 hours a week together. Just spending time together isn't good enough. It was to be "date" time - free of distractions where you are concentrating on meeting each other's emotional needs. Time spent at home is not effective. You need to get out alone together and have a good time. When it comes to NC, you need to be really proactive. Report everything to you husband - even if you just see the OM on the street by chance. You need to figure out how to eliminate all possibility of encounters. You may feel this isn't really a big problem, but it is. You still have the remanents of the addiction within you that can resurface with contact, and your husband is harmed greatly by any contact. The other thing is the two of you have to stop talking about the affair with each other. You should answer any remaining questions he has today if you have not already done so, and then the topic is closed. This is really important, because talking about the affair is an enormous love buster for both of you. Your future conversations need to be pleasant and safe.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254 |
Thank you for your great advice. The time I am talking bout is time alone and focused on each other. The OM lives in another time zone so there is absolutely no chance I would ever see him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329 |
My husband will have to get a second job if I change to day shift which would cut into our time together. Why would your BH need to get a second job for your shift change? The shift diff can't be that much??? I know this because I've done it???
FWW, 36
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254 |
I am a travel nurse working a local assignment and I make about twice as much as if I took a regular full time position.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 254 |
I am in grad school. We have two daughters in college. We have a mountain of debt. We cannot get loans for our daughters college because our credit is so poor. The girls got nearly a full ride in scholarships to go to really great colleges and all we pay in the room and boras but it is still about 14000 a year.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329 |
I am in grad school. We have two daughters in college. We have a mountain of debt. We cannot get loans for our daughters college because our credit is so poor. The girls got nearly a full ride in scholarships to go to really great colleges and all we pay in the room and boras but it is still about 14000 a year. Is it possible for you girls to get part time jobs to help you both with the cost? Or are there any other grants or bursaries they could apply for? What about taking a regular position and picking up extra shifts? Could your BS pick up extra work that would allow you to stay at home in a regular position? We (my BH and I) were told when we first came here that spending nights apart (as we had our entire marriage) needed to STOP in order to assist with our recovery, so when my affair ended, I took a huge pay cut, as did my BS ~ we both quit the jobs we had and took a loss over 50k per year, I picked up extra shifts on a schedule that worked for both of us and now (as I posted before) am working in a scope that I don't find particularly interesting BUT it allows us to be home together and it's what needed to be done to save the marriage.
FWW, 36
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
195
guests, and
51
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,615
Posts2,323,460
Members71,895
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
