All travel must be eliminated and you must never spend a night away from your husband.

I am seriously not trying to make excuses...my girls both do work study so I think another job would be too much. I understand what you are saying but honestly if I quit my job to work more hours for less money I would resent my husband. He has state farm that requires a lot of time and if he got another job I would never see him. Money issues are truly one of our biggest problems. When I was exposed it was not because I got caught. I told my husband about the affair because I was ready to quit. I did not want to continue the affair or the marriage. I was tired of working away from home while he spent all the money and all the time with my kids. This is absolutely no excuse for my behavior, however after twenty years of asking for change I just decided I would rather be alone. I felt like I was alone all the time anyhow.

WE are more concerned about HIS resentment when your marriage fails because your job is more important than your marriage. His resentment will not go away as long as you continue to place your job over your marriage. Yours will fade once you find another job that complements your marriage.

Anything that comes before your marriage will eventually come BETWEEN you and you have already learned this the hard way.

Simply put, your marriage won't recover unless you a) stop traveling and b) get on the same shifts. If you are serious about recovery you need to make these changes.

My job is not more important than my marriage. I work because I have to work. I have been the steady income for twenty years.

You want me to show you "resentment?" The worst resentment I have ever seen comes when a couple doesn't follow these steps and their marriage does not recover. The resentment of the betrayed spouse grows and grows year after year.

That is the real risk you face.

I am glad to hear you will be finding a job that complements your marriage! This is good news.

So if I am understanding you I should quit my 36 hours at night and work sixty during the day so I can sleep in the same bed with my husband at the same time? Let me tell you after sixty hours a week the only thing that will be happening in that bed will be sleeping.

You understand me right if you understand that you cannot recover your marriage while a) traveling or b) working opposite shifts. However you resolve those issues is up to you.

I will point out that you don't have to do anything. We cannot force you to do anything. HOWEVER, if you want to save your marriage, those are the steps it will take. Take it or leave it; it is all the same to me.

we are working really hard at getting our finances in order and hopefully one day my income will not be so important. I would LOVE it. But short of bankruptcy (and even that does not stop the current expense) I cannot think of another way to do this.

we have no assets to sell. We have downsized. we eat beans and rice. There is absolutely nothing we could cut out. Even if we made our girls attend community college it would cost more than where they attend now. I have looked at everything.

We have looked at everything.

Dr. Harley is brilliant at helping people find creative solutions to such problems. Why not email him and ask his advice? [it is free and he will send you a free book]

Email him at the radio show. You don't have to appear on his show, btw. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Same here mrs_cen, my husband had to totally quit his job after his A, and he had been the main breadwinner! He went to work for me at my biz, at a 52% pay cut. And yes, we are also skating on bankruptcy at the moment�BUT we are in recovery!

H has just recently gone back to work, same field like you but totally different job so that he is no where near any customers or females employees.

At first, my husband thought the MB advice was ridiculous. After he totally came out of the fog, he now says that he would never have it any other way.

Recovery is already the most difficult thing that we've ever been through in our lives, and at our age we've been through a lot (deaths, injuries, storms, etc). If my H had not been willing to protect me in the way that he has, I could not have stayed.

I will! That is a great idea!

You could delay your master's program until your daughters have finished school, especially since you still have 18 months to go. That tells me you are not very far along in your own program.

AM

The OM is thousands of miles from me and there is no chance I will ever see or talk to him again. I work in a mostly female environment. My husband has been great about keeping in touch with me (which he never even had a phone before). It is the best option for our financial situation but I will write Dr. Harley and ask what he thinks.

I can get loans for my program for whatever reason. I think because it is an advanced degree. We have no out of pocket cost related to my education and I try to only work on my homework while he is working or I am slow at work so that I am engaged when he is at home.

We will have lots of loans to pay off when I am done but I am hoping to work in an underserved area so they will be repayed by the government.

But you see Marie, if you and Drew follow the steps to recover your M, you will NEVER feel like this again!

The things that we are telling you to do are truly only the beginning steps to affair proof your M. THEN the real hard work begins�you will learn the Policy of Joint Agreement, you will learn to enthusiastically deal with every conflict together, you will never fight again!

My H and I haven't had a fight in at least six months now, and let me tell you it is HEAVEN!

I used to feel like you and always feel alone. But now, when I do ever feel alone, I just need to tell my husband that I have a problem that I need help with�and we POJA ways to help me to feel connected at all times (even when we are physically apart during the day!).

But�you cannot skip those beginning steps. You've mentioned the Bible, so it may be helpful to re-read Matthew 7:24-25. By taking the steps to provide EPs for your M, you are wiping all of the past clean (and protecting your new M), so that now you can build your house on The Rock.