No i have good boundaries around men. I let this man manipulate me because I didn't want to be married anymore. I was looking for a way out. Fortunately godly people told me I don't have to want to I just have to. Fortunately my husband was not ready to quit even though I hurt him so deeply.

Actually, although he is a manipulator I was a willing manipulatee.

And I thought of a great solution to the night shift issue (which I started tonight). I will simply send my husband a picture of myself at work each night or FaceTime him if I have time. This will give us a chance to connect each night and reassure him I am exactly where I say I am. During the day I sleep in a patient room and he can call the desk and ask to be connected to my room. We had already planned for him to come down and have dinner with me sometimes as well. I truly would love to find something to be home every night but these things will work on the meantime.

No Marie, that won't do. You are so close to making things great, don't blow it with half measures.

Your marriage is in the ER and your working night shifts is something that would wound even an extremely healthy marriage.

If you do this for more than a month at such a critical time, you will end up divorced. This is why antisocial shifts pay more. Because of the expense and personal damage caused to the worker.

If you divorce, you will both pay over thousands to lawyers and afterwards you will have to maintain two separate homes. Do you think the extra money you get for late shifts will cover such expenses?

Think harder. If you review your budget, what would have to go in order to survive day to day on your day rate pay?

What savings do you have? What can be sold?

Can you move?

We moving to a more energy efficient place on Friday. If you read my other posts we have nothing to sell. We eat at home most of the time. I pack my lunch for nights I work. We have little savings and two daughters in college. I shop at the Salvation Army and target for everything. Truly finances are our biggest issue next to the affair. That's why I have been traveling.

Yay good to see you are attempting to make changes but like indie said you need big changes not small ones. The purpose for you not working nights is two fold.

1. Dr. Harley and MB teaches married couples to spend at least 15 hours a week together with zero distractions. Undivided attention and it's required for a happy marriage. 20 hours for recovery keep in mind that's weekly.

2. All factors that led to your affair need to be eliminated that's called just compensation or JC. It creates transparency and accountability for your BH and you! Keep in mind JC and extraordinary precautions to hand in hand. They are followed by both spouses.

I understand your finances are a mess but your marriage can survive a financial problem but not a affair and not prioritizing the marriage. Please keep this in mind and switch your shifts. God bless!

PS: I hope you change all your contact info like you said you were as for work emails IT department can do that for you easily just submit a request all avenues to POSOM need to be cut off. Facebook, twitter and all social media. Phone numbers changed not just blocked. This is crucial step in JC and EP it is for your husband's peace of mind as well for your marriage. This needs to be done no matter how your husband feels!

That is not a solution. You have to be spending the nights together and working parallel shifts in order to create an integrated lifestyle. That is essential for recovery. Sending a picture of yourself won't do that.

I agree that spending every night together would be ideal but at least if I do this my husband can be assured I am being truthful which all along has been my biggest issue. Not nearly as much about the affair but about the state of my heart. "I forgive you" when I didn't. "It's fine" when I am NOT. These are the important changes that I need to make. I have lied my whole life... Not about where I was ( only once for that) or who I was with (only once).
I am a pleaser who tells everyone what they want to hear. It builds up until you make the biggest mistake of your life.

Until you hurt everyone you care about.

Did you change your phone number and your email?

Not yet I just got home. Spent a few minutes with my husband talking but I will do that next:)

Pi

No, you well not make it of you keep trying to cut corners.
Being sorry is not enough.
Having faith is not enough.
Feeling remorse is not enough.

Repentance requires action. If you do not take very specific steps, your marriage will be a crippled version of what it used to be (if it even survives that long). These are facts that mere feelings cannot change.

It is tomorrow and this simple step hasn't been completed?! Your leaving the door open for POSOM when it should be shut!

Tell us when you've changed them.

So I am talking to dr Harley on the show tommorrow.

So you guys can all post I told you so after he tells me I have to quit my job.

But we already told you this. We told you that you would have to stop the overnight shifts and spend every night together in order to recover your marriage. We already know what his advice will be. We are not waiting to hear something we already know.

Fantastic, I will be listening. Let us know how it goes.

Okay melody than I won't even talk to him.

I don't care what you do, but we already know what he will say about leaving your job. We didn't tell you to contact him to get the answer to that because we already know his advice. The purpose was to to get his help in finding creative solutions to your job problem.