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What you should do is nothing. Dr Harley did not EVER tell you to check her out before her program is done. If she wants to check out, that is her prerogative. Wish her well.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know he didn't say check her out, but if she checks out on her own, just say "Good Luck!"? Cancel all credit cards and cell phone service?
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 40
DDay - May 14, 2014
4 kids
Married 17 years
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I know he didn't say check her out, but if she checks out on her own, just say "Good Luck!"? Cancel all credit cards and cell phone service? Sure. Just tell her good luck. He told you to check her right back into a treatment center if she starts drinking again, so if she checks out early, you already KNOW that is her plan. I wouldn't cancel her phone service and maybe leave her one credit card with a few hundred on it. Cancel the others.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, I asked her big sister to call her if she could, and wife's reaction to her was better than to me or wife's friend. She heard more what her sister said as encouragement, and changed her tune when I talked to her next. She is still very sad and homesick, and nervous about going to yet another rehab (transfer to women's rehab Tuesday morning), but I am glad she got past this bump. No doubt there will be more... I do think a women's-only (as suggested by Dr Harley) Christian program will be better for her than other places.
I also just got LoveBusters and His Needs, Her Needs in the mail. Reading a bit, but waiting for SAA tomorrow.
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 40
DDay - May 14, 2014
4 kids
Married 17 years
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Well, I asked her big sister to call her if she could, and wife's reaction to her was better than to me or wife's friend. Really wish you would stop the enabling. There was no need to react to your wife's call today. As long as she believes you will panic when she presses your buttons, she will continue playing head games with you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, I asked her big sister to call her if she could, and wife's reaction to her was better than to me or wife's friend. She heard more what her sister said as encouragement, and changed her tune when I talked to her next. She is still very sad and homesick, and nervous about going to yet another rehab (transfer to women's rehab Tuesday morning), but I am glad she got past this bump. No doubt there will be more... I do think a women's-only (as suggested by Dr Harley) Christian program will be better for her than other places.
I also just got LoveBusters and His Needs, Her Needs in the mail. Reading a bit, but waiting for SAA tomorrow. I dont know what is better. My MIL went to a womens only (court ordered: complete the rehab or go to jail offer) and she celebrated her release by getting drunk and evicted from her county owned apartment. As an outsider looking in, reading your thread, all I can offer is advice to ATTEND AL-ANON MEETINGS AND HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER ATTEND WITH YOU. GET HER INTO ALATEEN ALSO.
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Sir,
When you go to the AlAnon meeting ask the group for a book titled "One Day At A Time in AlAnon."
I think it would help you during these times.
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Womens only is always better for women, because so many affairs start in co-ed groups. As he has found out the hard way!
Even so, I doubt his wife will ever get sober.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, keep a daily journal of when she is in rehab, out of the home, drinking, etc. --Out of reach and without her knowledge.
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Attended my second AlAnon tonight... couldn't bring my 13 year old, as she had a conflict. Again, only man in the room. But, heard some more good stories and insights... words of experience. I do have a lot to learn and focus on myself and my choices.
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 40
DDay - May 14, 2014
4 kids
Married 17 years
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Also, keep a daily journal of when she is in rehab, out of the home, drinking, etc. --Out of reach and without her knowledge. Thanks, I have been since D-Day. It works as both a log of what has happened, and a way for me to vent/process/figure stuff out.
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 40
DDay - May 14, 2014
4 kids
Married 17 years
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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Attended my second AlAnon tonight... couldn't bring my 13 year old, as she had a conflict. Again, only man in the room. But, heard some more good stories and insights... words of experience. I do have a lot to learn and focus on myself and my choices. Have you received a list of other AlAnon meetings during the week? I could attend one daily if I wanted to in my area.
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Well, I asked her big sister to call her if she could, and wife's reaction to her was better than to me or wife's friend. Really wish you would stop the enabling. There was no need to react to your wife's call today. As long as she believes you will panic when she presses your buttons, she will continue playing head games with you. How is that enabling? She doesn't know that sis-in-law called and asked about her, and I thought it would be encouraging for wife to hear from her. I didn't tell her what to say, and SIL was wanting to call anyway, both to encourage and give her a dose of truth if need be. I know I shouldn't react - but I'm making baby-step progress... even to the point that I'm planning a non-enabling response if she fails to complete the 28 days. I do still have a lot to learn.
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 40
DDay - May 14, 2014
4 kids
Married 17 years
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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FYI: As a general rule, AlAnon typically recommends that you attend 2-3 meetings weekly as you become introduced to the program
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Well, I asked her big sister to call her if she could, and wife's reaction to her was better than to me or wife's friend. Really wish you would stop the enabling. There was no need to react to your wife's call today. As long as she believes you will panic when she presses your buttons, she will continue playing head games with you. How is that enabling? She doesn't know that sis-in-law called and asked about her, and I thought it would be encouraging for wife to hear from her. I didn't tell her what to say, and SIL was wanting to call anyway, both to encourage and give her a dose of truth if need be. I know I shouldn't react - but I'm making baby-step progress... even to the point that I'm planning a non-enabling response if she fails to complete the 28 days. I do still have a lot to learn. Well, you are trying to CONTROL the situation caused by alcoholism. The First Step is to admit that you have NO CONTROL. Your attempts to do damage control, while appearing to be good natured can often be enabling of the drinking
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Have you received a list of other AlAnon meetings during the week?
I could attend one daily if I wanted to in my area. I know of the 4 AlAnon meetings that are within 15 minutes from my house. One is 5 minutes away. I have attended 2 different groups, and liked the first one better, but think I can learn from both. I cannot find any AlaTeen within 25-30 minutes, so will bring my daughter to a regular session. AA on the other hand has daily meetings, and 5-6 choices within 15 minutes of my house.
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 40
DDay - May 14, 2014
4 kids
Married 17 years
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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Have you received a list of other AlAnon meetings during the week?
I could attend one daily if I wanted to in my area. I know of the 4 AlAnon meetings that are within 15 minutes from my house. One is 5 minutes away. I have attended 2 different groups, and liked the first one better, but think I can learn from both. I cannot find any AlaTeen within 25-30 minutes, so will bring my daughter to a regular session. AA on the other hand has daily meetings, and 5-6 choices within 15 minutes of my house. I would just focus on the AlAnon meetings. As you attend them, you will sometimes hear from guest speakers of AA; but AlAnon is the group you should be focusing on. I encourage you to attend at least 2-3 meetings weekly. You need to find one with a few men, as you can ask for someone to be a sponsor down the road.
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Well, I asked her big sister to call her if she could, and wife's reaction to her was better than to me or wife's friend. Really wish you would stop the enabling. There was no need to react to your wife's call today. As long as she believes you will panic when she presses your buttons, she will continue playing head games with you. How is that enabling? She doesn't know that sis-in-law called and asked about her, and I thought it would be encouraging for wife to hear from her. I didn't tell her what to say, and SIL was wanting to call anyway, both to encourage and give her a dose of truth if need be. I know I shouldn't react - but I'm making baby-step progress... even to the point that I'm planning a non-enabling response if she fails to complete the 28 days. I do still have a lot to learn. \ You are trying to control the situation. IF your wife wants to leave rehab, then leave her be. She is not a child. Don't take baby steps, just stop it. You are not a baby and neither is your wife. Your wife desperately needs the freedom to hit her bottom if that is her choice. You have protected her from her bottom endless times and it has hurt her terribly. So please, no more baby steps. Just stop enabling her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She should not be allowed back into your home if she doesn't complete the 28 days. Is that your plan?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She should not be allowed back into your home if she doesn't complete the 28 days. Is that your plan? Yes, that is the plan. And I hear you on "just stop the enabling". I have made progress. It can be hard when things are getting thrown at me, but I understand I have to stay strong and let her make her own decisions. It's especially difficult with some decisions because she is not rational right now.
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 40
DDay - May 14, 2014
4 kids
Married 17 years
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