If the basics haven't been done you ARE at the beginning of this process. I find it shocking that this has gone undone for any length of time.

Your husband shouldn't have to insist on every basic - do this for yourself and for your own desire to recover.

Okay I will do it even if I just do it for you guys as a gesture that I am sincere.

I'll give you practical, real world a reason to change your email address. My wife had an affair almost 3 years ago now. She never changed her email address. About a month ago, her email password got hacked and anyone she had ever emailed in the past was sent a spam email. Included in that list were several people who she had no contact with because they were involved with her affair. One of them responded to the spam mailing and broke no contact. It took us DAYS to get past that one little thing and it's been 3 years. We immediately changed her email address. We changed her phone number too.

Your problem is that you don't realize you ARE at the beginning of this whole process. This isn't going to go away in a matter of weeks, days or even months. It may never go away if you don't start following all of the steps to get there.

You don't want to be 5 years down the road and have the other man calling you up drunk one night telling you he misses you. You've got to cut off all known ways you might be contacted.

First you said:



Then when next asked if you would change your email you said:



Now you're back to talking about how forum members are giving non-MB advice, which we do not do.



Dr Harley has often said he endorses these sites. If anyone here gives non MB advice, click notify and ask the mods to take down the offending post. Which they will, if it is not MB advice.

Honestly Marie, if your BH were my brother I would tell him to buckle up and keep a careful eye on you. You were willing to change your details and all of a sudden it is hard for you.

It's not hard to guess why.

Awesome! It makes not a bit of difference to my life but it cuts out forever the worst mistake of yours. That does make me happy for you Marie.

The end result is the same, regardless who or why you do it.

But, just do it, please.

It would "SEEM" more respectful to your marriage and to your husband if they were the reasons you felt that you could protect from ANY potential future fallout and contact bythe POSOM.

I really am glad thatt Dr. Harley expanded his thought process on the whole Cheaterville thing to, because Nuclear Worl Wide Exposure to principles not involved often times seems like vigilantism to certain extremes.

See..... Your original concern and forum topic were addressed and we all can learn from it.

But, the POSOM who even starts to get involved with ANY married woman deserves to be publicly scrutinized to the most significant depths possible.

Keep Coming Back.

LTL

Indie girl I tried to call the school yesterday and got no answer called today and everyone keeps saying they have to ask the manager. I even told them what if my life was in danger but they didnt seem to know what to do about it???

What he said is that he "doesn't endorse or NOT endorse cheaterville, I am neutral," but can sometimes see the value of exposing the OP on those sites. We already knew this, though. What Marie's husband did was expose her on there, WHICH WAS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THIS FORUM. Her husband was told to expose the OP on cheaterville by one of the posters here.

AS far as exposing to principles who "are not involved," that knowledge is not possible to know when exposing to the OP's contacts. And essentially, no one cares about that when exposing to the OP side.

Dr. Harley very much does advocate exposure. The term "nuclear exposure" is a nonsense term that is so subjective that it is meaningless.

You are at the beginning of this process since you haven't taken extraordinary precautions yet. This is one of the first steps and I am glad you have agreed to do this.

So what did you think of Dr Harley's advice to take your husbadn with you on your out of town trips from now on?

What we learned is that posters should take the advice given. Her husband was NOT TOLD to expose her on cheaterville. He was told to expose the OP.

My husband did not even know about Cheaterville until he came here. And if you listen to the conversation I had with Dr. Harley it seems like he does not endorse it even for the OP. However, on this topic I am done talking because I do not want my husband to feel like I harbor any bad feelings about it. No matter how much I like the information in MB I will never say its a good idea for anyone. Final word from me on that.

Marie;

I am a BW. My fWH DID change his telephone number after D-Day. And, he really believed that The Dolly would not ever call him again. He was certain she did not have his new number.

Well, she DID call him. She attempted to call him three times in the months following, and finally got through once, nearly a year after D-Day. He was SHOCKED. It completely derailed our recovery, and every instance of broken trust like that makes it harder to get back on the recovery path. And you know, there is a limit to how many times you can pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

So, please do not let OM be the one to decide if he will try to contact you again in future. Please show your BH that you will never ever be in contact with OM ever again. Even if your BH says he's okay with you not changing your number, I'd bet he will be tickled that you went to the measure of changing your contact info, in order to protect your marriage. SHOW him by your actions that you are committed to your marriage.

Dr. Harley does not endorse exposing one's spouse on cheaterville, and neither does the forum. That advice was not given by this forum to your husband. As far as the subject of cheaterville goes, Dr Harley stated - TO YOU - that he "does not endorse or not endorse, I am neutral" on cheaterville but can sometimes see the value of exposing the OP. Which is exactly what was recommended to your husband.

Everything that Dr Harley said to you on the call is what we already knew. We knew he would tell you not to spend the night apart and we knew this was his stance on exposure.

I am glad you got some creative ideas about how to avoid these separations while you look for another job. He is brilliant in finding creative solutions to problems.

No, he did not say he didn't endorse it even for the OP. After all, HE is the one who first informed listeners about these websites. He said he "does not endorse or not endorse, I am neutral" but sees the value of exposing the OP sometimes.

And thats ok that you wouldn't advocate epxosure on cheaterville. Forum members will continue to advocate it because it can be an invaluable tool.

Of course Melody.

I am glad we are in agreement.

That is the 1st time I ever typed in the word Nuclea, by the way, yet as far as the OM/OW goes, yes they should be posted and then links to the sites ssould be made available to Every Single Exposure Contact.

Like you said, you just don't know who may yield some influence.

I am glad that Dr. Harley expanded on his Neutrality on the subject though as you mentioned.

I do feel that when anonymous posters intentionally follow the aforementioned sites and write scathing vitriolic substance, that their input may not be aiding the efforts of potential reconciliation and full marital recovery.

If it were someone that potentially knew the affair parties, then go all out and gangbust the heck out of them.

But for someone trollinggthose sites knowingly, due to information posted on this and probably other sites, just seems to reek of sadistic voyeurism.

Look at how wide of a chasm started off due to you being falsely called out as that anonymous poster.

Yes, We All Know that Drew3 was NEVER advised to post his Wife on the site, but now they both are past that mistake and still need plenty of guidance and support to do the next right things. Agreed?

Change the phone number!!!

Change the e-mail address!!!

Find a new compatible lifestyle job without delay!!!

Till then, do as Dr. Harley said about staying together at a Comfort Suites or something similar. Bring your Insurance Agency work with you. Work from a remote location just to be together.

And..... Listen to Melody Lane, IndieGirl and a host of others.

They are NOT your opponent. Unintentional poor marriage behaviour is.

LTL

I thought we were all past that, too, until posts were made TODAY which completely mischaracterized the forum's advice and Dr Harley's comments on the subject. I don't like being placed in the position of having to correct the record over and over again when we can all see what really happened just by reading the posts. And honestly, I didn't care that she accused me of being a poster that made comments on her thread. I would have been proud to have been that poster, but didn't know about her thread.

VEry much agree with you that it should be dropped! Hopefully this will truly be dropped now.

Getting exposed is a job hazard of cheating. If you don't like being exposed, you shouldn't do things you don't want exposed. It's real simple. You are not a victim.

This is what you wrote Melody...so stop talking out both sides.

**EDIT**

For the love of Pete...let it drop.

Oh good grief....