|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
And I know you read this, but I just want to say SusieQ knows what she is talking about. Consider her words carefully. I just want you to know what you are up against.
The typical cheater has an oops, I unknowingly let someone meet my needs and don't know what happened here.
That's not your WW. She knows what got her into trouble the last time and went down this road AGAIN. She knows how painful this was to you and she knows about MB.
Should you choose to recover with this woman, she probably can't have a cell phone w internet access, she can't be trusted on social media....all opportunities for a SSL and A must be taken away. Not sure what type of job she has but that probably needs to be looked at closely too. Because she is THAT vulnerable to an affair.
Sorry again. I really do understand.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Oh, and have your VARs ready. They will likely break radio silence once you expose. VAR's????? Never mind....voice activated recorders..
Last edited by Mywifeilove; 08/26/14 02:17 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Yep. You said they stopped all calling once you showed suspicion. Well, once the cat is out of the bag for sure, the first thing that will probably happen is a phone call planning damage control.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
And I know you read this, but I just want to say SusieQ knows what she is talking about. Consider her words carefully. I just want you to know what you are up against.
The typical cheater has an oops, I unknowingly let someone meet my needs and don't know what happened here.
That's not your WW. She knows what got her into trouble the last time and went down this road AGAIN. She knows how painful this was to you and she knows about MB.
Should you choose to recover with this woman, she probably can't have a cell phone w internet access, she can't be trusted on social media....all opportunities for a SSL and A must be taken away. Not sure what type of job she has but that probably needs to be looked at closely too. Because she is THAT vulnerable to an affair.
Sorry again. I really do understand. She had one contact in her whole list that was a male. And I knew about him, and he was certainly not in anyway threatening to me but now I know different. I met him several times...seemed like a nice enough guy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Dr. Harley generally encourages betrayed spouses to confront the affair partner.
Here is an idea for you. What I did was to call the other man up and tell him that I knew "a lot" and would know if he was lying to me or not. I told him that I would expose the whole thing to everyone I knew if he didn't give me the answers to some questions I had. He spilled the beans and I recorded the conversation. It turned out to be a great piece of evidence to play back to his wife.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Dr. Harley generally encourages betrayed spouses to confront the affair partner.
Here is an idea for you. What I did was to call the other man up and tell him that I knew "a lot" and would know if he was lying to me or not. I told him that I would expose the whole thing to everyone I knew if he didn't give me the answers to some questions I had. He spilled the beans and I recorded the conversation. It turned out to be a great piece of evidence to play back to his wife. He's not married...he's a loner.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Also, remember, this is an emotional affair, as far as I can tell.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
It doesn't matter. He has family and friends to expose to. Have you started gathering your exposure list yet?
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,469 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,469 Likes: 4 |
Dr. Harley generally encourages betrayed spouses to confront the affair partner.
Here is an idea for you. What I did was to call the other man up and tell him that I knew "a lot" and would know if he was lying to me or not. I told him that I would expose the whole thing to everyone I knew if he didn't give me the answers to some questions I had. He spilled the beans and I recorded the conversation. It turned out to be a great piece of evidence to play back to his wife. He's not married...he's a loner. He doesn't have a girlfriend either?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Dr. Harley generally encourages betrayed spouses to confront the affair partner.
Here is an idea for you. What I did was to call the other man up and tell him that I knew "a lot" and would know if he was lying to me or not. I told him that I would expose the whole thing to everyone I knew if he didn't give me the answers to some questions I had. He spilled the beans and I recorded the conversation. It turned out to be a great piece of evidence to play back to his wife. He's not married...he's a loner. He doesn't have a girlfriend either? Have no idea, he lives in California, and I don't know much about work, family, friends etc...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Have no idea, he lives in California, and I don't know much about work, family, friends etc... You know he has a Facebook page... You can get a lot of info from that.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I've neglected her with self consumption....15hrs./wk.?? Lucky if there was one or two....for many, many months....it was just too difficult for me, and with everyone pounding the anxiety issue on me, (and my own Phsych I was referred to said "you don't have primary anxiety....you have something wrong with you physically....but the Dr.s say otherwise (quite quickly I might add to pull out the script) You can't go blaming yourself for this. I've read your previous threads from beginning to end. You were the Plan A master. You fought for your marriage and did the near impossible. You can be proud of that. Your W didn't follow extraordinary precautions. That's why she had another A. Here is a formula I like to remind myself of: ENs met + strong EPs = No Affair ENs met + weak EPs = Affair ENs not met + strong EPs = No Affair ENs not met + weak EPs = Affair The key variable here is having strong Extraordinary Precautions in place. It's not about blaming myself, it's about understanding the MB pricipals...yes my WW has some issues that make her a bit more of a risk, but that came from both of us...I neglected her EN's (intentiaonally or not) and her seeing me struggling was diminishing her LB. She, probably was in error for confiding in many of her friends while I've been struggling, and a long time fried of hers was probably a seemingly inoccent outlet.....but we all know that is a dangerous road. Your WW did not have her affairs because of unmet needs, MWIL. STOP making excuses for her. She is a SERIAL cheater and without stringent EPs in place she will do this again. You completely missed the point of my post. When she feels entitled to get her needs met outside of M, all you need to do is put opportunity in her path and she is at risk....regardless of how it affects you What more proof do you need? It is very disturbing to me that you don't seem to understand that she has HORRIBLE boundaries with men, a problem with IB and with having a SSL.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Your illness should have been an impediment to an affair - because she KNOWS how painful it would be - not an EXCUSE for one.
It disturbs me to see you making excuses for her behavior.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I want to point out too that her affairs did not happen in the workplace - where often times men and women are forced into working long hours together and small talk is difficult to avoid. Thus the slippery slope. One was a man she met at a bar and one at a reunion. Just my opinion but this shows me that she MAKES these affairs happen. The don't just happen by accident.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[]
It's not about blaming myself, it's about understanding the MB pricipals...yes my WW has some issues that make her a bit more of a risk, but that came from both of us...I neglected her EN's (intentiaonally or not) and her seeing me struggling was diminishing her LB. Oh no, this did not happen accidentally because of unmet needs. Your wife already knew what happens when boundaries are poor. She already knew. The affair would never have happened if she had maintained appropriate boundaries around the opposite sex. Since this is not her first rodeo, she KNEW to keep her guard up MORE when the marriage was in trouble. And she didn't do that. Your line of thinking is horrifying and will damn you to a future of affairs if you don't correct your thinking. What happens in the future if you are incapacitated and can't meet her needs? Is she entitled AGAIN? She gets to play the "unmet emotional needs" card ONCE. After that, she has no excuse because she KNOWS what happens when she lets others meet her needs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
She had one contact in her whole list that was a male. And I knew about him, and he was certainly not in anyway threatening to me but now I know different. I met him several times...seemed like a nice enough guy. This just strikes me as odd. If you knew she was on FB messenger and she only has ONE male contact, wouldn't you have known who the OM was immediately?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 208
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 208 |
Mywifeilove, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I know firsthand how heartbreaking it is to deal with multiple affairs. I'll be praying for you.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Dr. Harley generally encourages betrayed spouses to confront the affair partner.
Here is an idea for you. What I did was to call the other man up and tell him that I knew "a lot" and would know if he was lying to me or not. I told him that I would expose the whole thing to everyone I knew if he didn't give me the answers to some questions I had. He spilled the beans and I recorded the conversation. It turned out to be a great piece of evidence to play back to his wife. He's not married...he's a loner. He doesn't have a girlfriend either? Have no idea, he lives in California, and I don't know much about work, family, friends etc... Do you know his name?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Believe it or not we had sex and a very nice evening. I gave her a long foot rub and plan A'd her for over 3 hours . Yes I know and have known her flaws and knew I had a wife that bought into most of the MB principals. My family right now is what I need to try and keep together. I am in a holding pattern. As I seem to be feeeling better. I will fight for her again and once recovered will adress the outstanding issues that she has. I've been down this road and am hardened. What happens I am going to be OK. DD'S BIRTHDAY. Next week
This will be hard and I know most here would be sending her out the door. I know that she had boundaries and accepted them. But they obviously were temporary. That will change or it won't but I will take that risk for my family.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
.. Do you know his name? Yes.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
190
guests, and
47
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,615
Posts2,323,459
Members71,895
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
