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Do you just Plan A forever? Can you just wait for something to happen between them? Do I hang here until I lose my love for her? I can't afford the home by myself, with CS, and my kids are terrified of the thought of losing their home. With my issue that isn't being diagnosed, and now this....I'm lower than I've ever been. Did you expose to your kids?
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Post the OM on Cheaterville.
Cheaters HATE internet exposure
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If I were to hypothetically get her and OM on tape, and then confront her, would that get me in trouble in NY?
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If I were to hypothetically get her and OM on tape, and then confront her, would that get me in trouble in NY? I don't see how. The evidence is really for you. So long as you know what you know then you can be confident. You don't have to prove it to her or him. They already know they are having an A. Did your VAR plantings confirm what you thought was going on?
Last edited by FightTheFight; 08/31/14 07:41 AM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
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I'm very sorry for all that you are going through. Your wife has gone through this program after making a mistake that was crushing to you. And in your time of need, she does it to you again. She is not safe, and she does not love you if she could do this to you again. You must protect yourself.
I would contact a lawyer and serve her papers immediately. Discuss with her briefly why, and then back it up with a Plan B letter.
If she were then to decide to end her affair and put the required EP's in place, then great. But if not, get out and put yourself in a safe place. I just don't see Plan A as a good option for you. But that's just how I would deal with this. The choice is yours.
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If I were to hypothetically get her and OM on tape, and then confront her, would that get me in trouble in NY? Sir, you are already in trouble because you fear consequences more than you strive to kill this affair.
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I'm very sorry for all that you are going through. Your wife has gone through this program after making a mistake that was crushing to you. And in your time of need, she does it to you again. She is not safe, and she does not love you if she could do this to you again. You must protect yourself.
I would contact a lawyer and serve her papers immediately. Discuss with her briefly why, and then back it up with a Plan B letter.
If she were then to decide to end her affair and put the required EP's in place, then great. But if not, get out and put yourself in a safe place. I just don't see Plan A as a good option for you. But that's just how I would deal with this. The choice is yours. This is what I would do too. And don't worry about the house and CS. File for cull custody. Besides, your kids are old enough to decide where they want to live. Based on your posts, it sounds like you are too tired and ill to put up another battle to win over your cheating wife again
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You are not really following our advice so it's really difficult to help you.
Plan A forever?? Your WW is a serial cheater?? Why in the world would you even consider such a thing.
Almost everyone on this thread has told you that you should start planning a life without your W. This includes seeing a lawyer and preparing for Plan B ASAP.
Your children should be told about your WW's first affair as well as this one. Has that been done yet?
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You are sounding worse and worse with each post, MWIL. This is hard to watch.
With your health issues, this is no time to flounder with no plan and hope that your WW will see the light and turn this around. That's not going to happen.
1) expose to your children and any other person that can support you and your kids
2) see a lawyer and prepare for separation
Time to focus on your health and your children and forget about your WW. Fighting for her and your M will only damage you further and in turn hurt your children. They need at least one parent who is as stable, emotionally and physically healthy as possible.
Last edited by SusieQ; 08/31/14 11:17 AM.
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Do you just Plan A forever? Can you just wait for something to happen between them? Do I hang here until I lose my love for her? I can't afford the home by myself, with CS, and my kids are terrified of the thought of losing their home. With my issue that isn't being diagnosed, and now this....I'm lower than I've ever been. MWIL, Plan A is not intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders. Plan A time is over. You are headed to divorce now, so you can either drag that out until you have a nervous breakdown or start taking action now. You will feel much better if you start taking action. I found a post over on the private forum that is much like your situation. This is what Dr Harley told the wife of a serial cheater a few years ago: Your husband appears to be in what I call the "fog." He is not willing to do anything to end his affair, and he is not willing to do anything to restore his marriage with you. He is emotionally divorced from you.
I would encourage you to begin planning now for Plan B. It may take six months or more before you can separate from him, but my best guess is that his affair is nowhere close to ending. I would encourage you to confront him with what you've learned, and tell others in your family, including your children, what you are going through. But it won't motivate him to end his affair. All it's likely to do is make him angry. Nonetheless, I always recommend getting an affair out into the open as a first step toward ending it.
It's possible that your husband has had multiple affairs throughout your marriage, and he starts them over the internet, or with women he meets in his business. Apparently, he feels that there is nothing you can do to stop him, and he doesn't seem to worry about you divorcing him. I usually recommend Plan A as a initial response to learning about an affair, but in your case, Plan A is unlikely to work, and will probably cause you to experience severe emotional trauma.
During the seminar, your husband was exposed to the ravages of infidelity, and how cruel his affair was to you. But he doesn't seem to care about that, so you're left with guarding yourself against his thoughtlessness. That's why I recommend Plan B.
Remember, a separation usually leads to divorce. It won't cause him to miss you. In fact, it will probably lead to your husband following through on his affair. But if you continue to try to draw him back to you while he's having it, and while he's so disinterested in his relationship with you, there could be long-lasting physical and emotional consequences to you.
We'll work with you to help you survive this mess with or without your husband.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I want to emphasize the point that your wife already knows about the ravages of an affair and its effect on you. And she doesn't care. This was no accident.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To all,
I understand...there are times when my "condition" (very nervy, hormonal or something issue) that makes it difficult for me to focus (though tested, it seems like what many with Lyme disease have)and having the kids during these times would be difficult.
My WW, believe it or not, still meets some of my EN...just loves her phone...and the man is in Cali...I can last, but it comes in spurts.
Not a very good MB plan, I know. I will retain a lawyer very soon, and protect assets as best as I can.
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Sir,
Your older kids should be able to get by if you were having a bad day.
We aren't talking about toddlers.
I would see an attorney ASAP and seek custody.
By the way, you keep evading the question: DO YOUR CHILDREN KNOW THAT THEIR MOTHER IS HAVING AN AFFAIR?
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Sir,
Your older kids should be able to get by if you were having a bad day.
We aren't talking about toddlers.
I would see an attorney ASAP and seek custody.
By the way, you keep evading the question: DO YOUR CHILDREN KNOW THAT THEIR MOTHER IS HAVING AN AFFAIR? Please answer this.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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To all,
I understand...there are times when my "condition" (very nervy, hormonal or something issue) that makes it difficult for me to focus (though tested, it seems like what many with Lyme disease have)and having the kids during these times would be difficult.
My WW, believe it or not, still meets some of my EN...just loves her phone...and the man is in Cali...I can last, but it comes in spurts. But none of this compensates for the fact that she is a serial cheater who is in another affair. A little need meetin' does not a marriage make, nor does it compensate for the emotional and physical harm that occurs to a spouse due to an affair. I am not sure what you think "can last." Are you saying you are willing to remain in an open marriage where your wife repeatedly cheats? Because it is not just this affair that is the problem, but her philosophy of life. Her philosophy of life is to have affairs. Are you ok with being the #2 man in this open marriage? Not a very good MB plan, I know. I will retain a lawyer very soon, and protect assets as best as I can. Exactly. Marriage Builders does not support open marriages.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've told my son 12...my daughter, very close to her mother, when I approached her said "Dad, I know"...she's 15....She knows about the previous affair when she was 6.
The affair has gone deeper, after Friday's blow out, but wife became "nicer"....which is worrisome...we actually had a party with mine and her family members....she is up for a new phone next week and is going on her own plan...and she turned her data off...my research indicates they've been VOIP based on her data usage at pretty specific times...I don't want the fogged woman, I want the one that has been for 14 of our 16 years of marriage....but I know that she will cheat again without extensive help/counsiling. Exposure results haven't been determined..but I think they've failed. So D, seems the option, but I'd like to feel better before I fight that fight...and with my other condition, work has already been a struggle, and this would only add to it.
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You might actually feel BETTER by ridding yourself of this woman. It's worth consideration.
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mwil, I am concerned that you are getting sidetracked with things that have no bearing on the situation. For example, her being "nice" has nothing to do with the price of tea in china.
Are you saying your children know all about the affair, including the OM's name? Have you exposed to the rest of your family? What about the OM's family on Facebook?
I don't think you will feel better unless and until you file for divorce and get into Plan B. Your health and mental state will continue to erode until you get yourself out of this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't want the fogged woman, I want the one that has been for 14 of our 16 years of marriage....but I know that she will cheat again without extensive help/counsiling. I posted about this earlier. Because I have spoken to Dr Harley about this issue personally in relation to my ex H who was a serial cheater. He does not recommend counseling. He said that does not help a serial cheater. What he has said is that you must eliminate ALL opportunity for a SSL (secret second life) and all opportunity for an affair - your WW would have to get rid of all social media and probably not use email or internet without you nearby and probably even change jobs to do something working at home with you. He does not have a lot of hope for serial cheaters to change their ways. Melody posted Dr Harley's advice to another BS to you earlier today recommending Plan B. I am certain he would advise you to do this right away because of your health issues.
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So D, seems the option, but I'd like to feel better before I fight that fight...and with my other condition, work has already been a struggle, and this would only add to it. No, that's not true. Going to Plan B/D would not add to your struggle. You will start to gain some emotional distance from your WW and begin to see things more objectively and make better decisions. Your health will likely improve. Have you considered that stress of what your WW put you through the first time (I have skimmed through your thread) i.e. Plan A for 6+ mos while she was in an active affair and being very cruel to you has contributed to your health issues now? That would not surprise me one bit. Dr Harley has said the stress of prolonged Plan A can lead to immune problems.
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