In NY, I don't have grounds for divorce. How do you Plan B in the same house? She won't leave....at least until she's ready.

NY still has adultery as a reason for divorce, adultery is also illegal by statute.
It also says cruel and inhuman treatment, and a few reasons.
It would probably be contested, but there are options.

You need to get with an attorney, there are ways to do everything.

You have a habit of not answering questions that are put to you on this thread. You have done this several times.

1. Have you exposed to your families - your parents and siblings, her parents and siblings?

2. What did you tell your children? You said you told your son. What did you tell him? What were your exact words? Did you tell him about her previous affair, which he was too young to know about at the time?

You said that when you "approached" your daughter she said "Dad, I know". WHAT does she know? How does she know about her mother's affair if her mother has been trying to keep it secret (of course)? How did she know about it when you didn't? I hardly think her mother has been confiding in her.

3. I can see that without evidence of sexual intercourse you do not have grounds for an adultery filing (at least, that is what is necessary in the UK where I live). However, you should still speak to a lawyer about her unreasonable behaviour. Texting and calling another man is not acceptable in a marriage, and a judge might well agree.

Whether or not you have grounds today, you need to prepare to move out. You need to find somewhere else to live and plan to take your children with you. Can you stay with your parents for a while? And surely New York will eventually grant you a divorce if you feel that your marriage has irretrievably broken down? People are not forced to stay married against their will forever in civilised countries.

If the house needs to be sold if you move out then hire someone to do some basic cleaning and tidying and then put it on the market. Are you able to do that in New York without her consent?

Start talking to (OM might need to know your wife has emotional problems and he is one of several affair partners), exposing OM and otherwise messing with him and maybe then she will move out voluntarily.

Adulterers love privacy. The less u give her the more she'll want to leave. U could also remove doors from hinges in YOUR house, set up cameras in YOUR house. Install a security system in your house (which likely won't spy on her at all but SHE won't trust u saying that).

NY has adultery as grounds for divorce.

As of 2010, NY is a no fault state. Adultery is fairly difficult and costly to prove and but it's probably worth listing as additional grounds.

NY is a mixed no fault state as of 2010 here :

Despite being generally considered a liberal state, New York has a history of being conservative on issues regarding marriage; it was the last state in the country to allow no-fault divorce and still maintains a (seldom enforced) law against adultery.[1] Until 1966, adultery was the only ground of divorce; cruelty, a ground that had long been available in most other states, was not available in New York.[2]


Divorce grounds
New York is a mixed state that allows for both no-fault and at-fault divorce. In the US, about one-third of states, most of them in the West and Midwest, are only no-fault, having abolished at-fault divorce.

At fault divorce
The state of New York is one of the states which allow the possibility of an at fault divorce. In this case, one party accuses the other of a wrongdoing (the "fault"). The other party may or may not contest. In practice, the parties might use the at fault grounds to obtain a mutually desired and agreed upon divorce: they can agree to an uncontested divorce as long as one of the parties is willing to allege one of the fault based grounds and the other party accepts the "fault" without contesting it (this was common in the past).

An at fault divorce can be obtained due to the following:

Cruel and inhuman treatment (Domestic Relations Law �170.1)
Abandonment for a continuous period of one year or more (DRL �170.2)
Imprisonment for more than three years subsequent to the marriage (DRL �170.3)
Adultery (DRL �170.4)

You are finding a lot of reasons for staying in Plan A. Sounds to me like that is your decision.

In your current state, you are about to get walked all over.

1. Yes...but her sister turned on me...lack of evidence...needs her friends...both her parents have passed.
2. I told my son mom is having an inappropriate relationship with another man named Dan in Calif. I told my daughter this morning (who was very uncomfortable with the talk) that mommy likes another man in Cali.
3.

Yep, I know...I would like to plan A, it takes the edge off for now. And the kids are just starting school.

You are playing games with us. You have not exposed the affair and are not following the advice.

Plan A is not intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders and that is how you are using it. You are cherry picking the concept and then misusing the ones you like.

You can't save a marriage when you are an enabler, Sir.

Do you know what exposure means? Exposure means to EXPOSE the affair. It does not mean you give people FALSE and confusing definitions of the affair. It is not an "inappropriate" relationship and it is not just "liking' some man in California. Why confuse your kids even more?

Exposure means you sit the kids down and tell them "Mommy is having an affair with a man named XXX in California. I want you know that this has devastated me and may lead to a divorce."

You then send out exposure letters as outlined in the exposure thread linked in my signature.

A serious approach is warranted, mwil.

Translation: I would like to stick my head in the sand and sweep this all under the rug; I am going to call it "plan A" so I can act like I am doing something.

So apparently, this has not been done either.

Is there a shortage of gigabytes that is making you post like this? It seems to me that several people on this thread are spending more time writing about your marriage than you are. I know you are capable of writing proper sentences and answering questions properly, so why are you texting like a teenaged girl? We are putting in a lot of effort to help you and you are being very lethargic about responding. This has been true throughout the whole thread.

I would like full answers to my questions, please - or you can tell me to bog off and mind my own business, but then I don't know why you'd post on a help forum if that's your feeling.

1. Have you exposed to your parents and siblings? What was their response?

You mentioned exposing to her sister. What exactly did you tell her to get the response "lack of evidence�needs her friends�"? I

If you tell someone that your wife is having an online affair with her high-school boyfriend, and that you have evidence of phone calls and texts (which your wife know you have, so there is no need to hide the fact from anybody else), and if that person knows that she had an affair with a drug addict years ago and knows about the struggle you had to bring her back to the marriage�

...(The sister does know this, doesn't she?)

�then how does she come to brush off this information with "needs her friends"? Doesn't she care about her nephew and niece, and indeed her sister's welfare? Is she a wayward herself by any chance?

Are there any other siblings? Have they been told?

2. Do your son and daughter know about your wife's first affair? Do they know that it was a full sexual affair and that your wife left you for this man? If not, why not?

Why did you use euphemisms like "an inappropriate relationship" and "liking another man" when you talked to your kids? Do you think that such incoherent babble will protect your children from divorce? Because it won't.

3. What is the answer to question 3?

"You need to find somewhere else to live and plan to take your children with you. Can you stay with your parents for a while? And surely New York will eventually grant you a divorce if you feel that your marriage has irretrievably broken down? People are not forced to stay married against their will forever in civilised countries.

If the house needs to be sold if you move out then hire someone to do some basic cleaning and tidying and then put it on the market. Are you able to do that in New York without her consent?"

If you've decided to live with the situation and you actually don't want our advice any more then please just tell us. We won't waste our time forcing advice on people who don't want it and have no intention of acting on it. I, for one, hate finding myself in the position of harassing a poster because they don't want to answer my questions but won't simply come out and say so.

It takes the "edge" off?

The only way that I could see that would be possible is because you are in a serious state of denial. Thinking that by meeting enough of your WW's ENs will cause her to end this affair and come back to the marriage. Ignoring ALL of the other problems that will come along with this plan.

You really do intend to live a life of Plan A indefinitely. Marriage at all costs. Very sad.

Sorry...WW is constantly lurking...and I barely have time to read all the details in posts...yes, I sent out about 30 FB messages, 2 emails and 2 phone calls...My entire family knows but my Mother....last time she had a heart attack 2 days later...my exposure letters where phrased "long distance affair". More later...

Are you saying you haven't told your mother?

Yes, she has a heart condition, and she literally had a heart attack....I will NOT risk that stress on her again 9 years later.

I felt great today, but WW and I had a "discussion" about our verizonwireless bill, then it blew up from there...on her part. I remained calm, pointed out that the children were in the house and that I didn't want to yell....then calmed down and said she was sorry that she had tried to console her "friend" at 5:30 in the morning (her calling him) she said it was during a walk with her friend...blah blah....attorney coming sometime this week.

Mywife,

While I sympathize with you in having to go through another of your wife's affairs, especially with a health issue, you don't seem to be helping yourself by not fully discussing your situation and the actions you are taking to address it (i.e., applying MB principles) with the members here who are trying to help you. Sugar Cane and Melody, among others, have posed some clear direct questions to you, but giving them short, difficult to interpret responses sort of leaves them in left field in terms of advising you. If your wife is 'lurking' and that prevents you from discussing with other members here, then I would suggest go to your local library and reserve a computer for am hour or two every few days to sign on here in better privacy. I do not have any doubt that this MB site is an accepted site at a library.

Sugar Cane made a very valid point about the manner you described in 'exposing' your wife's affair to your kids. It's my opinion that using a term like 'inappropriate behavior' to explain your wife's affair means nothing to your kids, and possibly alerts them that they cannot trust you to be honest with them and fight for them as well. Better put, 'your mom is having an affair with X in CA, and she may have allowed herself to fall in love with this X POSOM at the risk of destroying our family as we know it. I want to ensure you I am going to fight for our family as best I can, because I love all of you'. Sound better?

There are a couple of more things I'd like to suggest to you on this Labor Day, but have a couple of things to do now.

Take care,
Tom