I'm curious if this would apply to my husband's after-hours business gatherings. Sometimes he needs to "rub elbows" with owners and architects when he finishes a project. He always invites me to them, but I politely decline. He is fine with me not going. It isn't something we fight over.

I HATE stuff like that. Is it okay that he goes without me?

We never questioned it because it's work and necessary.

ps...our email was answered on today's show!

The policy of joint agreement absolutely applies here. In fact, this is an example Dr. Harley and Joyce have used on the show.


He needs to be earning a living in a way that you don't hate.

Out of curiosity, what are his reasons for demanding no pets in the house? And why did he not demand this until recently?

I wouldn't describe this as a demand. "It bothers me for there to be pets in the house." He is informing you of something that is making love bank withdrawals.

Don't waste any energy analyzing why he feels this way or should he feel different, just knock it off like any other annoying behavior, and negotiate an alternative.

It's not a demand when your spouse wants you to not do something. It's simply a desire for the marriage to follow the POJA.

It's not a demand when your spouse wants you to not:
* smoke
* drink
* flirt with members of the opposite sex
* spend your money on something
* leave your socks on the floor
* keep pets in the house

Those aren't demands. If you want to have a good marriage, you follow the policy of joint agreement: never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. He/she isn't enthusiastic, so you don't do it any more. You negotiate an alternative that you are both enthusiastic about.

That is not a demand.

If she insisted on the pets being in the house when he didn't like it, THAT would be a demand.

I think I wrote that wrong. I hate the after hours corporate parties. I feel out of place.

We are both enthusiastic about him going to these business engagements and me staying home.
We are both enthusiastic about him owning his own company.

I brought up the question because I thought it might not be good for him to go alone, like it's not good for me to go to the reunion alone.

I realize one is work and business related, the other is more social and the possibility of seeing past loves.

For grins.... Is this correct?

Don't smoke. (demand) Honey, your smoking is bothering me. (statement, not a demand)
Don't drink. (demand) Honey, your drinking is bothering me.
Put the cats outside. (demand) Honey, the cats being in the house bothers me.

So, saying something bothers you isn't a demand, it's a statement. But, "how" you ask for it to stop could be a demand.

"Honey, the cats being in the house bothers me, will you please put them out."

If they refuse it's a LB.

There are many things my husband does that bother me, but I sincerely thought I was being demanding to ask him not to do it.

Like him eating out for lunch everyday. I thought I was asking too much for him to take a lunch instead.

Very technically, yes, but the issue Dr. Harley usually focuses on is whether the spouse is being asked to do something or to do nothing. Doing nothing when your spouse is bothered by what you want to do is really just the basic thoughtfulness that is expected in every marriage.

When asking your spouse to do nothing it's best to be as non-demanding as possible. Your spouse may still feel "controlled."

When asked by your spouse to do nothing it's best to realize that they are bothered by what you wanted to do, and to knock it off and negotiate an alternative. Don't let their exact wording become an excuse to not do the fundamentally important thing of knocking it off! If you feel their wording is disrespectful or demanding, jot it down on your weekly love busters worksheet and give it to them next week - AFTER you've knocked it off. (And ask yourself what wording would be acceptable to you and would be non-demanding. Quite often the real problem here is somebody just doesn't want to exercise the basic thoughtfulness of restraining themselves in marriage so as not to hurt their spouse.)


NONONO! That's the basic principle of Marriage Builders. You SHOULD be radically honest about your feelings. You SHOULD complain about the things your husband does that bothers you. And he SHOULD be thoughtful enough to you to stop doing those things. If any of those things doesn't happen, your marriage is going to suffer.

Don't let your husband make constant withdrawals from the Love Bank without sending him an overdraft notice. Otherwise he will feel quite betrayed and surprised when he discovers his balance is zero or majorly in the red.


Don't prescribe the solution (taking a lunch instead). Tell him what he is doing that bothers you, then follow the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation to find an alternative that you are both enthusiastic about.

Analyzing why may open up possibilities for negotiating an alternative. For example, if he is offended by the smell of the pets, keeping them well groomed may be a solution to the problem. I'm not suggesting that she try to change the way he feels, but I do think understanding more about the problem can help with finding solutions.

It is not a demand to ask your spouse to STOP doing something. It can be worded in a demanding way, which is best to avoid, but it is in of itself NOT a demand.

He needs to know that you are not enthusiastic about him eating out every day at lunch. This is not a demand. Him taking a lunch is one of many options you can negotiate.

It's tricky. Prisca and I usually felt that "why?" was disrespectful in these scenarios. If there was really a piece of information that was needed, we ended up having to ask a question more like "What is it about the pets that bothers you? Would it still bother you if they were out of the house by the time you got home every day?"

"Why" questions are usually best avoided. They open up the situation to debates and disrespectful judgements.

Those are very good points, thanks for elaborating.

I can see why "why" could come across as challenging and even disrespectful. Still, I think there are some situations where understanding the reasons behind the way someone feels can be helpful for implementing the POJA. If nothing else, understanding why someone feels the way they do gives you a deeper understanding of that person.

As Markos wrote, it's tricky. I wonder if Dr. Harley has anything to say about polite ways of trying to understand the why's behind a person's feelings? I started He Wins, She Wins a couple weeks ago, but got sidetracked; maybe I'll find something as I continue to read.

Here is one of Dr. Harley's basic concepts that may help:

Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation

That's a timely post, thanks! Re-acquaintance with basics is refreshing. I like the part where Dr. Harley says:

KeepLearning,

It is often very impossible to understand the WHY of what the other person thinks or feels. It is usually a distraction in the negotiation process, and very often leads to disrespectful judgements and fighting. Especially for those who are new at negotiation.

It is best to stay away from Why questions:
"It bothers me when the pets are in the house."
"Okay. Let's negotiate. Would it bother you if they come in during the day, but are put out before you get home? Or does it bother you that they are in at all? etc ...."
Negotiation starts.

vs.

"It bothers me when the pets are in the house."
"Why?"
"I just hate that they get hair all over the place and stuff."
"But why? They really don't shed that much, and it's never bothered you before ..."
Fight starts.

Why questions are open ended and very easily seen as a challenge.

I don't think that's a blanket statement that applies to everyone in all situations. It sounds like you and Markos have found in your personal negotiations that asking why is dangerous. I'm sure that's important to know and helps you negotiate.

When my wife and I negotiate, we like to understand why each of us feels the way we do. If we state up front that we're not challenging the other, just trying to understand each other, it opens up channels of communication that have the effect of drawing us closer to each other emotionally. For us, it works.

I agree with this. Markos said it's tricky, and I think part of the trick is softening the questions so they aren't perceived as challenging.

In the Four Guidelines to Successful Negotiation posted above, Dr. Harley writes:

For my wife and I, asking why in respectful ways helps us understand each other.

(My wife and I have only been married a year and a few months. It's possible our Givers are still very active, and maybe this is why it works for us. Maybe down the road, we'll have more trouble with why questions. I hope not!)

KeepLearning, you are the exception rather than the rule. Markos and I have been on this board helping couples far longer than you, and have seen how this plays out in their negotiations. It is best, for most couples, to avoid the "Why?"