Rest assured, MySacredMarriage, that if we suspected an affair we'd be all over it! I don't really think that's what is going on here. Maybe I'm wrong, but I suspect that Elaina was doing what we advise women in abusive marriages to do: prepare for the possibility of separation. Separation from an angry husband is often recommended by Dr. Harley, and is mentioned in my "What To Do With An Angry Husband" thread. If Elaina has done any reading on here, and I imagine she has, then she knows that it's in her best interest to be prepared.

Separation was probably a very real possibility before they got into the online program, thus the bank account and the secrecy.

Ernie's AO after discovering her secret shows the very real need for her secrecy. She cannot be honest with him without fear of abuse.

Sorry, but you are wrong.

When you see the words: "hey, you wanna go meet for a latte?" by a man you have never heard of before in your entire life, and then your wife quickly and nervously closes the chat box, ANY man will get suspicious. And, no he is NOT a lawyer.

I reopened the message box, read the entire conversation, and then told him (in the same message box) to not ever contact my wife again. I gave him my cell number and told him if he wishes to discuss the issue, I would be happy to talk about it over the phone. His response wasn't entirely too pleasant.

Look, I have done and said a lot of stupid things to my wife, and I freely admit that... and I am proud of NOT ANY of it. But there's more to "our story" than you should blindly assume.

Off to work now - no computer access where I am working so not sure when I'll be back on.

Well what was the entire conversation, Ernie? If you read the whole thing then you must be able to tell if she is having an affair. Is she?

"But there's more to "our story" than you should blindly assume". I can only respond to what you post here.

How long ago was this conversation?
If you suspect an affair, have you snooped to verify?

I see that Elaina is posting to Dr. Harley about separating. What is the reason for that?

Do you realize that your abuse gives Elaina a right to secrecy so that she can protect herself? If you want full Openness and Honesty, you are going to have to stop the abuse. You've proven that you can do that short term. Why did you allow the abuse to resume?

A lot of really personal information about our marriage, the status of some finances she was hiding, some flirtatious/cute comments between them...

It didn't have the "flavor" of an affair - yet,
but definitely looked like a guy who was poising himself to "catch" her after a fall. But it was the sharing of information with some TOTAL stranger (to me) that really made me question the strength of her boundaries. I felt it was unacceptable on all counts, especially considering the first thing I see is an invitation to "go have a latte" (with some guy I don't know?!?) Sorry, that sounds too much like "asking out on a date" to me. I would never be POJA with that in a million years!


Hmm... 1-1/2 yrs ago or so? I'll have to go back and check the dates.


No, I don't have any of her passwords to anything.


That is due to my latest angry outburst - and I would suppose there is the chance that someone here has suggested that to her in the private forums, as well.

This is about the lowest point I have ever felt like I have been at in my life. A real wake-up call, that is for sure.

I would agree - - as long as it doesn't involve other men.



I don't know... a moment of weakness.
Feeling worn down, vulnerable...

For crying out loud, Ernie, this is like pulling teeth.

Do you think this was an affair or don't you?

I think you're paying some sort of game here. You've posted enough information to make us think this is an affair, but I don't think you actually believe that yourself. If you believed that you would have brought it up more directly and sooner. You seem to be trying to get us to turn the heat off you and onto Elaina.

Did you ask her who this man was? As angry as you sound, I don't believe you simply fired off an email telling him to leave Elaina alone and did not get to the bottom of who he was.

And surely you know that people do not post advice to each other in Dr Harley's private forum? In any case, you can track any of Elaina's posts there. You can see what she's been advised to do.

No.... not yet.
Maybe the beginnings of one, though? I wouldn't know...

What if I had never found out, could it have become one? I don't know.


Believe it. That's exactly what I did.



<<<EDIT>>>

Then you need to be clear about what you ARE referring to.

Then how do you know he wasn't a lawyer?

As difficult as it may be for many to believe, I have always been VERY respectful of my wife's privacy. I don't snoop on her, read her mail... nothing - even if the opportunity presents itself. I just don't work that way.

Right, wrong or otherwise, I just don't do it. I have always wanted her to feel that some things are safe (especially with Marriage Builders advice) and I have always wanted her to trust me, at least in that regard.



That doesn't matter - their discussion had nothing at all to do with "legal issues". Lawyers and clients do not typically have conversations like that.

That was 1.5 years ago. Why are you bringing it up only now?
If you want for her to not have to live in secrecy, you need to make it safe for her. You have not.



Your "moment of weakness" probably just cost you your marriage.

If you don't care enough about her to snoop when you suspect an affair, then why should she stick around at all?



I suggest you drop this issue that happened 1.5 years ago and concentrate on the current problem -- You are LOSING YOUR WIFE. She is SEPARATING from you because of YOUR CONTINUED ABUSE. Stop sidetracking. What are you going to do about THAT?

You have been here for 2 years. When are you going to actually DO Marriage Builders?

Because I am ignorant in the ways of how to have a successful marriage.


1) learn what behavior is correct
2) implement it
3) pray like crazy for the strength to do all of this
(concurrently, of course)

She should stick around because you're ignorant in the ways of how to have a successful marriage?

That doesn't make sense, Ernie.

Well, *I* really only started a few months ago. The level of strength needed for me to overcome (successfully) old bad habits that I have had all my life has been very difficult for me to achieve.

You know what behavior is correct.
You refuse to do it.

A lot of this process doesn't make sense. I am learning, but haven't really mastered any of it yet.