H and I have had a text convo today. He wants foreplay without the act. He says that's affection because it won't lead to a sex act. But, foreplay is very sexual. How is it still not sex?

I think I had progress with the aversion exercises before because I was still drinking. Not nearly as relaxed now. But, the depression has greatly improved.

The aversion exercises are about being totally relaxed during each phase of a sexual experience.

Also, do you all have Prisca and Marco's UA schedule? I can't remember the details.

Thanks, Brain. H and I were talking about working out together, since he is committed to losing weight. I said, it couldn't be at a gym. He said, he had never heard Dr. H make that requirement. I told him about the attention issue and the contrast effect. He would like a resource from Dr. H.

Does one exists?

Dr. Harley makes the requirement that if your wife is not enthusiastic about it, you don't do it. It's called the Policy of Joint Agreement.

There's not a step in there where you have to justify not being enthusiastic about it.

Try clicking notify on your post and ask the mods for help.

When dealing with lovebusters, should we say...You just lovebusted me. OR should we say...You just dj'ed me. Is it ok, if we apologize, then ask for the specific lovebuster committed if it's not called out specifically?

Are you guys listening to MBR? Last week this topic was visited a couple of times.

That is also where people get the idea that going to the gym can create a contrast effect. Usually this is the case when one spouse is not satisfied with the physical attractiveness of the other and the contrast effect has a significant negative impact.

Yes, I listen everyday. Do you remember the day? All the shows start to run together and I can't tell one from another.

I don't follow the comparison with explaining LB's to the contrast effect. Care to explain?

I wouldn't consider it a comparison, & I can see how that was confusing. What I meant is that both of those topics are covered on the marriage builders radio show. The gym, and also how to respond when you've been offended. I want to say that it might have been Wednesday of last week when the topic of being offended was brought up.

I think it could be this one from the 30th

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=6860

"Brian and Melanie call in with the desire to improve their marriage. They want to stop their love busters and meet each others emotional needs."

We found it best to just say "That bothered me." Then be more specific later in writing. Less risk for debate, or continued lovebusting from either side.

How do I open my husband's lovebank? I think it is closed to him.

I have tried for months to figure out what my needs are. I've used the question..." When I don't get blank I get frustrated." I think it is acts of care (non physical affection), domestic support and family commitment.

I don't get frustrated when we don't do RC, SF or physical Affection. IC is mostly problem solving, which I enjoy doing. But, admittedly, we are both kinda boring people. We don't have any common interests or hobbies.

How I feel about him daily revolves around how he treats me. Not about what we do together.

We were talking tonight and he asked me, "Why do you want to be in a romantic marriage?" I said, "So I can easily meet your emotional needs." I don't need a romantic marriage for myself. I really think this is a stumbling block as big as lovebusters.

BTW, lovebusters came back big time last week. And once over the weekend. I feel like that turtle, Dr H talks about on the show. I'm afraid to poke my head out.

I've got to open my lovebank to my husband though.

You cannot open your lovebank as long as your husband is lovebusting you. What is he doing? Will he stop?

How many hours UA are you getting now?

He's got to stop the love busters, then.

Since last week, UA has stunk because I was so hurt by his demands and DJ's, I've been closed to him.

But before that, UA was real close to 15 hours. We retired to the bedroom around 9. We kiss and he touches me in non-arousal ways. If I'm enthusiastic about SF, then we might do that. SF is happening about every 10 days or so. On the weekends we might go out to eat and grocery shopping. During the day, during the week before 9, we will talk and hang out.

Specifically, last week he started an argument with me over some bible teaching that took place in a bible study my daughter and I attend. He said, I was deceived, I was following a false doctrine, I couldn't go anymore, That he had "to put his foot down", "he couldn't allow this", "it's for my own good". I told him he was being very disrespectful to me. He said, "I don't care. This is more important than anything right now." We talked for hours about the doctrine. We decided to set aside time each day to pray and read the scriptures together, watch sermon clips, and read commentaries for clarification. It took him three days before apologizing. And it came with a Yeah, but... As of yesterday, he understands the doctrine, is now (again) enthusiastic about us attending bible study. All that ugliness shouldn't have happened at all.

I printed off Dr H's articles on Resolving Conflicts in Faith. That helped him a lot to realize how badly he handled his concerns.

His biggest LBs are DJ's and anger. His anger isn't toward me usually. Sometimes the kids, but mostly he has a bad day at work or is dealing with a difficult sitch at work.

He had made great progress since early September, with maybe one or two mistakes.

Stop. As in none? That is impossible to never screw up, right?

I'm trying to explain my EN's to H. Non-physical affection and IC.

I define non-physical affection as acts of care. It's a 24 hour attitude of care and thoughtfulness. I asked him not to be angry. No scowl, no sighs, no anger about the kids, the job, the house, anything.... If you get mad, don't act mad around me. He wondered if that was reasonable, since his anger isn't toward me. It a feeling he is having at any given moment and he expresses it, not just toward me. But, I feel it. It affects me. It changes how I feel about him. I don't want to be around him when he is angry or "frustrated".

He then made the request, that I too never get angry. Although, he has never said anything (before now) about my anger affecting him.

I told him, I thought I remembered Dr. H saying, "Never get angry."

This week really sucked. He was sick with a bad cold. Yesterday, was ok. Today was terrible. All things out of our control, but it ruined family time for everyone. Now UA tonight has been cancelled because we are both in such foul moods.

What should my attitude be toward my own needs?

I don't ask for my needs to be met for me. I ask for them to be met, so I can enthusiastically meet his need for SF. It seems that my taker isn't engaged.

The lovebusters are gone by 95%. UA hasn't been scheduled because of his job. Although, last night he agreed to try to schedule it in the future.

He made a request last night (albeit poorly worded) for SF. I said I wasn't enthusiastic. He said that hurt him. We had a semi-heated convo about our needs. Then he said, "I didn't realize your lovebank was so low, I'm frustrated because I don't know where the finish line is, I didn't know this mountain would be so high too climb."

Our mutual frustration is need meeting. We're stuck.

And you will remain stuck until you are getting UA on a regular basis.

I asked him if he thought I would be enthusiastic about SF last night? He said, "Yes, I thought we had good UA the past couple of weeks." I said, "Where, when, how?" He said, "We cleaned out the closet together Sunday and had a few good convos on his commute home and made out a couple of times."

I told him I need more time, more convo, more kindness, tons more. He looked at me funny and made the comments listed above.

I don't want to hurt my husband. He was hurt and dismayed last night.