Thank you - - thank you - - thank you! This is good advice.
A lot of the other posts in this thread don't mean anything to me because they simply feel like attacks, not advice or encouragement. Advice and encouragement I can emotionally respond to (and they speak to my heart, which is where I operate from), but attacks simply "go in one ear (or eye?) and out the other" without having any positive effect on me.

It may be accurate to say I act entitled, but I actually don't "feel" entitled. My anger manifests itself from my fear... fear of rejection from my wife, primarily.

I have been hurt bad in the past by an unfaithful fiancee, and I wonder if I subconsciously struggle with the fear my wife will do the same to me... even though my rational, conscious thought denies that as complete hogwash. I think I may need counseling in some insecurity issues in that area.

Ernie, what kind of abuse are we talking about? I grew up with severe domestic violence, and as painful as it was as a child to get the lash over and over myself during one of my stepfather's AOs, it was so much more painful to watch my mother take it. I know we don't usually go into childhood stuff here, but I'm wondering if you watched your mom being abused when you were a child, if you take a moment to remember that moment. What steps would you have wanted your father to take, so he would never abuse your mother again?

How about telling your children that it is okay to call the police when this happens, get that accountability in place? I didn't realize this until I typed this to you today, the time as a child that I called the police, and my mom had to go bail my stepfather out of jail the next morning, that is the last time I remember him hitting her.

NO, you do NOT. That is a complete distraction and a waste of time. You do not have the time to waste -- Your wife is walking out the door!

You need to eliminate your AOs is what you need to do. You continue to look for excuses for why you do what you do instead of eliminating it.

No, I take responsibility for my actions. I do not blame any others. The situations are very different, so I operate under a very different set of emotional rules.

Since I desire emotional intimacy and freedom to be vulnerable with my wife, I am more open to having a stronger emotional connection to her than anyone else. A boss or coworker can attack me, but my "shield" protects me - - because I am NOT emotionally involved with them at all.

Since I deeply desire to be emotionally involved with my wife, if she attacks me I feel it deeply, because I have no shielding from her.

As long as you continue to buck against the things people are telling you, you will do nothing to change. I do not offer encouragement because I see nothing to encourage. I see a grown man complaining about how hard it is to control himself, and feeling sorry for himself, rather than his wife whom he abuses.

What kind of encouragement are you seeking? An "atta boy"? A pat on the back and a "You can do it"? We are kind of past that point now. Your wife is out the door. It's time for action, Ernie. You are losing your wife, you do not have time to waste. Start eliminating your abuse and stop making excuses about how hard it is to do. You are not the only one who has had to do it, so stop complaining and start doing.

Everything I have said is stuff you could have been hearing if you were regularly availing yourself of that radio show. You could have an extra nine months of experience under your belt if you weren't letting that opportunity pass by unused.

The main thing we are trying to tell you is to stop debating and to stop defending yourself. Any angry outburst is 100% without excuse and without defense, so stop defending it. We've talked to you about this before. The problem is NOT that you feel attacked, Ernie. The problem is that Elaina is in serious danger THAT YOU DO NOT RECOGNIZE AND TREAT AS SERIOUS.

I believe it was about six or nine months ago you and I had a debate about whether this stuff was serious, or more like a minor traffic infraction. You are back to acting and talking like it is a minor traffic infraction. My point is not to attack you - my point is to get you to KNOCK IT OFF.

Ernie, if you can control yourself at work then you can control yourself at home. Anything else is just an excuse. You allow yourself to treat your wife the way you do.

Keep making excuses. It's not going to win your wife back.

You need to change your behavior, not your feelings, so I don't think we should waste any time debating how you feel or don't feel. It doesn't matter. We can't read your mind, and don't need to. All we need to talk about is your actions.


In other words, you let your feelings rule you and dictate your actions.

The whole point here is to learn to stop that. You can feel afraid and choose not to go temporarily insane to deal withit.

My dad didn't physically abuse my mom. My mom had a very hot temper and would scream viciously when she was upset, and she would sometimes hit things if she had an object in her hand, like a wooden spoon. I was usually spanked by her with a flyswatter - the metal wire-handled kind - and at full force. Man that thing would sting.

I don't recall ever hearing my dad yell at my mom, but I remember a lot of my mom yelling at my dad and also yelling at us kids.

My dad was verbally very loud and forceful when I was being punished... full bulged eyes, gritted teeth, etc.. I always "got it" on the bare butt with a leather belt, and even though it probably wasn't at "full force" it wasn't far from it. I can still recall with vivid intensity (35+ years later) what it felt like.

You know.... I really, truly wish I knew HOW to not ever fail again. I understand the concept of "temporary insanity" and that is really what it is - a momentary loss of the ability to rein in one's emotions. I genuinely want to stop that from ever happening again.... I really do. I love my wife more than words can say in typed text, and I am horrified that I have ever treated her the way that I have.

I have been given a reference to an anger management counselor by my pastor, and I am going to call him and set up an appointment today.

All of this is a needless distraction. Your wife is out the door. You don't have time to analyze your childhood.

Add to that:

* Communicate with Dr. Harley and your coach revealing all of the details that have been discussed here
* Start using that GSR meter: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.html
* Start listening to that radio show so you can get practice listening to and understanding the marital situations of others. You will feel less emotional about them and be able to be more objective. The practice will help you with your own marriage.

That's the kind of memories I have, too, full bulged eyes, gritted teeth, the sound of the belt or electric cord coming down.

Again, what steps would you have wanted them to take to create lasting peace in your home? What steps Ernie are you willing to take?

I was determined not to give my kids those kinds of memories. I would have gone to any extent, including leaving their father, which is what I wound up doing. He wasn't physically abusive, either, but his hostility simmering under the surface was too much to live with. It sounds like you know what it's like being a kid growing up with this in the home.

Whenever I used to think about going back, I would remember what it was like, leaving a pair of shoes by the door and a packed bag in the car in case I needed to make a quick exit. I can't tell you what a difference it is, getting free from living in that hostility, I still am so grateful. Is it time for you two to separate for a year? If that's what it would take to set the stage to eliminate the anger, what a gift to give those kids and yourselves.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to create distraction, just trying to help Ernie connect with what his wife and kids are feeling in the present. Ernie knows as perhaps few others do what they are going through right now. You have laid out a simple and effective path back so that this could become a distant memory.

This is true. I *DO* really want to act in a rational way at all times, and never let my feelings be the stronger voice. I desire to do this and I can achieve this if I don't let my emotions rise to a level where they overtake my rational thoughts and actions. I'll get the GSR meter out and begin to train myself to not allow my emotional responses to rise to that level.



This accurately describes the struggle I am in. I know in my head and my heart what the correct actions are, but I let my emotional rise take over instead. I haven't trained myself how to not do that yet.

That may be so... however, I have to disagree if anyone would like to suggest that I haven't had a lot of revelation occur here today (thanks, all - for that).

In order for me to fix a problem, I really need to understand where the the source lies. People all learn in different ways, and by saying to me: "Don't think about it, just do it" actually does nothing for me.

It's the same as putting an algebra book in front of me and saying "just do it" - - all that gets me is sustained failure. I don't want that.

I am very tired and weary of failing. It is not something I want happening in my life & my marriage: I only desire success. If I can understand why I am behaving the way I am behaving, then I can understand what I need to change in order to achieve a different outcome.(therefore allowing me to achieve the success I so desperately desire)

That's the whole point of this thread... I came here because I am not happy with how I have been behaving... but I also didn't know "WHY" I was failing. I need the "why" first before I can understand "how" to change.

I believe I understand the "why" now.
I have been unable to keep my emotions from dictating my actions. The solution is, I will use the GSR meter and seek counseling in order to change this behavior.

Ernie, that's good stuff there, but Prisca gave you the answer before. The why is because you feel entitled. The solution is to come to realize it's all a gift, every day. Listen to the radio show daily, it'll wash your thinking.

I emailed Sandy and let her know, thank you!
Now that I think of it, I didn't ask her to share it with Dr. Harley. I'll message her again.

This might be worth considering:


(Dr. Harley, Five Steps to Romantic Love)

I don't think anyone is telling you "don't think about it," but I think we would all be remiss if we told you DON'T START YAKKING ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD BECAUSE IT'S A FRUITLESS MAJOR WASTE OF TIME.