If my post was misleading, I apologize. I don't remember addressing his need to stop since that was a point that you had already made, Prisca. Thank you so much for clarifying for the poster. I agree with you completely about the need for him to stop looking at models.

Please feel free to correct anything else which you feel needs to be corrected.

And to add,

I am not insinuating that she is not good looking. I know this story and who she is. I have a special interest in her, considering that I can relate to her plight. I am so sorry, OkieGal if you got that impression. I tried to show awareness that you have done everything reasonable and to just maintain what you are doing. If I remember clearly, Dr. Harley and Joyce gave you pretty good instructions for what was reasonable. Nothing I can say should have more weight than their advice.

I didn't say you were. I was merely pointing out to her, and anybody else reading who may be in the same situation, that it doesn't matter how good looking you are: You can't compete with a contrast effect.

So how do you suggest that he insist that he stop this?

To start: Complaining daily. A simple "It bothers me when you look at models. I need you to stop."

If that doesn't work, then ultimately she should move on to a separation. See:When to Call it Quits, Part 1 and When to Call it Quits, Part 2

Thank you again for good advice. I was so glad I had come here before trying to have a conversation with my husband. I ended up telling him that I found his internet searches on models. He was very ashamed and apologetic. He expressed an understanding that comparing me to other women wasn't productive and wasn't acceptable. He truthfully noted that he had not looked up such websites in a very long time, but said that there was no excuse for what he was doing. He apologized and we've agreed on no more secrets. Open history searches. No unknown passwords. Steps in the right direction.

Has he agreed to the 15 hours UA time?

Yes he has. We still have half of the book to go, but 15 hours of UA has been covered and he's on board.

Good and what are you doing during your UA time?

Most off our undivided attention time is spent in intimate conversation, as it always has been throughout our marriage. We actually talk a lot. After filling out the recreational activities survey, we have tried tennis, cards, board games, walks, eating out, and book reading. Church, football, and movie watching work as recreational activities, but not time towards UA. He still was unhappy, hence the conversation he had with me last weekend. As of this weekend, and our good conversation, we he has agreed to read the book His Needs Her Needs as I said above and he is understanding better what I have been trying to do. Perhaps things will start going better with the models out of the picture and US on the same page as why we are spending UA together. I had tried explaining before, but now that he is actually reading the book with me, he gets it.

Okie it concerns me how willing you are to settle, asking for a reality check, saying maybe it's unreasonable for you to have a husband who sees you as attractive. You sound kind of hopeless, and that's not going to help you in setting the bar high. And your DH is already going back to old habits, trying to run you down instead of brainstorming solutions your taker likes, too. I want a happy life for you hon, do you think you have enough support today to get there, or do you need a stronger plan in place?

I don't remember, what was the advice you got on the show again?

This all sounds very productive. I would just add that Dr H often makes it clear he expects the husband to be the driving force, almost courting his wife, like a man who is dating would. As long as you continue with the above proposals, but make it clear you expect your husband to get YOUR interest and to keep YOU invested in the marriage; you're good.

It's usually a recipe for emotional breakdowns if the woman is made to feel responsible for meeting the man's needs with no motivation from him to begin, as you have discovered. You are the responder. If he makes it possible for you to be attractive to him (no contrast effect) you are happy to respond to requests re meeting that need. You are not the driving force. No more dragging him uphill. Ask him to lead!

Make that expectation clear.

NewEveryDay, thank you for your concern. I actually do have a good support group of friends. I go out once a month with a couple wonderful women for a Girls Night Out of dinner and coffee. They are always supportive and remind me of what I need to hear. You are right that my husband reverted back to looking at other women once his dream was officially shattered (I said I was done losing more weight, although I'd keep to my current size of size 6 jeans and size 4 dress, and I dyed my hair back). He really is ashamed and apologetic and has every intention of never doing that again. The problem is that with his obsessive personality, he will probably never see his requests as being too harsh and nearly unobtainable. The good news is that he is willing to try. Hopefully with him reading Dr. Harley's book with me, that area will improve. The advice on the radio was mainly to let me know that his demands were inappropriate and that he could use some counseling. I haven't listened in awhile, but I'm pretty sure he also talked about meeting other emotional needs, which we're trying.
Indiegirl, I told him what you said. He was trying to understand, so I told him it would help if he did more things like what he did for me last night and he's on board. You see, last night, he spent a long time finding and downloading more dance songs I like onto our iTunes account in the computer. He knows I love to push the table to the side of our living room and dance...as a family dance night or just with him. He then spent time dancing with me even though that is definitely not one of his favorite activities.
When he is not stressed, life is so much better. This weekend was relaxing. We'll see what happens as real life with his stressful job picks back up this week. We have plans to read more of the book tonight.

Really doesn't matter. You are not trying to change his thoughts, or even get him to change them. That's not MB. As long as he stops his behaviour - gawking (Independent Behaviour), requests for fantasy-Okie (Selfish demands) - then his thoughts are his own.

Analysis of his thoughts as being incorrect would be a Disrespectful Judgement anyway. Always try in MB to make it an 'I' statement not a 'you' statement. I.e. It's unrealistic for me, because I say so. Don't tinker around in his brain trying to make his thoughts line up with yours. They never will in any marriage and that's fine.

The lovebank and the removal of gawking materials will have more impact than you think though, I would wager.




Nooo! Together at your happiest is how the lovebank works. Something you BOTH enjoy!

Yes, I am aware how the love bank works. I know that we do not want to make dancing something we do as a regular recreational activity we participate in. However, my husband did something for me that showed his love, like a husband washing dishes or making dinner. It was beautiful and I really appreciated it.
Thank you for the reminder that I should not try to change my husband's thoughts.

After reading a chapter in the book His Needs Her Needs with my husband, he brought up again his complaint that he married me even though I am not his type and he has trouble with being attracted to women who are is type and if I would just try to exercise and dye my hair again, I could make myself the one he is attracted to. I was very good this time and didn't break into tears like usual and instead told him that I would love to work with him to get over this obsession and even joked that "Besides, I hear brunettes are better in bed," with a smile. He smiled a little, but then got quiet and defeated looking. He said, "Well, at least I've never left you." I told him he has never really been with me and then we went a day without talking. Yesterday morning I told him he married someone who wasn't his type which simply meant he could try to like me the way I am or at least continue to work with me meeting each other's other needs like in the book, but it was not my job to become his type. He thought about that awhile and told me this morning that he wished things were different. He wished he had encouraged me when I had been exercising and never said anything critical about the color of red on my hair and that he vowed to be more encouraging to meet my need of Admiration. He does understand that I am not currently going to exercise and will never dye my hair again and that looking at other women on the internet is not an option. Here's my question: Have I gone too far in my strong stance of "no"? The truth is that although I am serious about never dyeing my hair again, I would love to get to his size 4. I'm just scared of exercising only to live with his disappointment if I can't get the desired result. So I tell him no in order to try to protect our marriage from this ongoing roller coaster. It just sounds so crazy to refuse to exercise. Confused. And yes, before you ask, we had been trying to do things by the book before this darn subject got brought up again.

It would be really cool if you guys could explore this further on tge radio show. It would be a great example of discerning the difference between an emotional need vs. Disrespectful Judgement, vs. Admiration, vs. Demand etc.

I wonder if your husband would be willing to go on the show?

Oh my goodness. This is discouraging to hear. No, you have not gone too far. No one can define you but you. This seems more about his asking you to enable his dark shadow than acting in love. His rigid and very narrowly defined notion of what is "his so called type" is even a distortion of himself. It seems these conversation are equivalent to discussing an affair after the betrayed spouse has heard everything about it they care to know. He needs to simply stop bringing up this tiresome subject. Perhaps he needs to seek professional treatment as Dr Harley considered. You can't provide this need for him. It's hurtful to your relationship. Leave it in the past by using it as a spring board for your better future together.

By the way...I'm guessing that you were "his type" when he married you, but his habit of IB is contrasting. That's like a wayward spouse telling their betrayed spouse that "you aren't my type". This affair partner is!! They shouldn't be opening the door to the contrasting person in the firsts place.

Yes! Unless you can both go on the show and put these questions to rest once and for all. You can never "straighten" this out for him, nor should you try. But in this case, like Dr. Harley said, it may take a 3rd party to do that.

Don't keep engaging when he tells you that he made an error in judgment by marrying you. HUGE lovebuster. IMO the book you guys should be reading together is Lovebusters. I think ML or someone might have already told you that.