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The show aired Tuesday, October 29, 2013.
Sorry for wasting your valuable time.
Thanks anyway. Good night.
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(now I'm giving you my opinion because only Dr. Harley can say what he means) Mel,
HFM did contact Dr. Harley directly...addressed the issue on the air and via email.
Both Dr. Harley and Joyce mentioned, due to the nature of the OM ability to be anywhere possibly that we establish clear EPs IF W were to take this position, in addition to 'the usual' EPs highlighted in SAA.
And yes, they chided us about "until you move"...we have a plan for that, but will need to wait for a couple years. Dr. Harley stated that "if they've taken moving off the table as an option, then here's what to do....
The EPs that DR. & Mrs. Harley suggested were: immediate notice to me if there was contact, especially if OM was assigned a union job there, obviously, and that HFM would need to leave that job.
W agreed to both as her course of action. I want to address the issue of moving with you. You mention how Dr. Harley may comment in this manner "Moving would be ideal..." or "if they've taken moving off the table then..." When he phrases his speech like this it does not mean endorsement of YOUR plan. He phrases it as a best case scenerio, much as a medical doctor may tell the patient that smokes a pack a day "If you won't quit smoking then we should look at..." The MD is not telling the person to keep smoking! You need to carefully examine his speech and material before going off thinking he is endorsing your plan for not moving.
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Mel,
I HAVE been here long enough to know that.
Like a parent, I feel I can hear in his tone of voice what course of action he wants us to follow, what he wishes we'd follow NOW, and not delay 2 more years. I don't think EITHER of us took it as an endorsement.
Hearing that "well, hmmm" sense of disappoinment in his voice does not make me feel good, feels embarassing -- either one of us -- and HFM is actually the one pushing moving more than I am!!!
We understand that he's giving commentary that is trying to make the 'most of the least' options.
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/12/14 09:26 PM.
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I see little hope for your marriage if you don't move.
It's sad that you would have her accept a job 7 miles from OM home, after all that you have been through.
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Maybe I'm making it too black and white, becasue guys...our marriage is the best it's ever been.
It's not perfect.
But we have UA time each week, there are no more AO, we have learned and do POJA on many many things we never did in the "old" marriage.
Even when I'm not enthusiastic about something, I can understand HFM's desire to 'claim' her new life, marriage, and not feel confined to where we live, or our social circles, or job opportunities due to some scumball loser mistake out there who she's not going back to.
We are by no means perfect, but she is driven, as am I, to follow MB to our best abilities to remain married, to nut just survie, but thrive.
And yes, we understand the gravity of moving.
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/12/14 09:37 PM.
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JK,
Should I be somehow investigating if the OM still even lives there?
Or does that not really matter if he's moved from that location?
This happened in 2010.
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/12/14 09:41 PM.
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We are by no means perfect, but she is driven, as am I, to follow MB to our best abilities to remain married, to nut just survie, but thrive. "Thriving" is not what you will be doing when the affair resumes when she is continually triggered by seeing him around. You weren't "thriving" when you arrived here and you are willing to risk going back to that horrible place. And for what? A little job that could be obtained in a safe place? None of us are "perfect" either, but we don't play games with our marriages. One doesn't have to be "perfect" to observe very basic EPs. Your wife won't be happy and you won't be happy if your marriage experiences another affair. I can't even begin to imagine why you would give it all up for so little.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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JK,
Should I be somehow investigating if the OM still even lives there?
Or does that not really matter if he's moved from that location? You should not even be discussing OM 4 years later, YET YOU ARE. He is top of mind.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Maybe I'm making it too black and white, becasue guys...our marriage is the best it's ever been. Yet you would throw it all away...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And you feels the odds of contact are that much greater by her working there, even though the affair began when he was in OUR county for work? And could still end up on a job now?
I am truly trying to get all of your inputs so that I'm not seeing this with blinders on.
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You are right on this. Good point. Very wrong to even be a topic of conversation.
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So, we could be naive in our feeling in love again, and feeling our marriage is strong, and valuing the MB program, and believing that we have affair-proofed it?
That how good we feel about each other or the marriage is creating a false sense of security, not a sense of confidence that the factors that led to her affair have been eliminated and will remain so eliminated?
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/12/14 09:52 PM.
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And you feels the odds of contact are that much greater by her working there, even though the affair began when he was in OUR county for work? And could still end up on a job now? If you believe this logic, then why not move next door to the OM? Heck, he could end up working in your county anyway. Why bother with any EPs at all, in that case?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, Mel....touche.
But is that really an equivalent? Choosing to LIVE next door to OM vs. he COULD possibly get work at that hospital, just as he did at W's hospital in our county in 2010?
Just thinking out loud, not playing semantics...
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/12/14 09:55 PM.
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So, we could be naive in our feeling in love again, and feeling our marriage is strong, and valuing the MB program, and believing that we have affair-proofed it? Your marriage is not "affair proofed" if you haven't done everything to ensure no contact is observed. You don't even comprehend the danger with your plan for her to work close to the OM's home.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And you feels the odds of contact are that much greater by her working there, even though the affair began when he was in OUR county for work? And could still end up on a job now?
I am truly trying to get all of your inputs so that I'm not seeing this with blinders on. Nobody is debating "county" lines with you. This isn't the Dukes of Hazard where we worry what county the guy is in, or try to make it to the county line to beat the Sheriff. County line doesnt mean anything to people in an affair. The issue is that if he lives 7 miles away from the job, that's a 5 minute car drive for your wife. 5 minutes! What do you think will happen if she sees him at a gas station or maybe decides to drive by his house and he happens to be outside watering the grass? Why would you take that risk? The fact that you are arguing about this makes it clear that your marriage may not be as well as you boast it is.
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JK,
I understand your point. Good analogy.
I don't feel like I'm boasting, that's not my intect. Just sharing how I feel about my marriage now vs. then, pre-A, that's all.
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Ok, so we may feel we've affair-proofed our marriage, and it may be, but only to a point...and that point being that we haven't fully done so until we move (or, the OM moves out of the area).
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My gut tells me that even if I am O&H and share that I'd rather her not take that position...she will accept it anyway (to "prove" she's trustworthy again? to feel that she/we are 'normalized'?).
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My gut tells me that even if I am O&H and share that I'd rather her not take that position...she will accept it anyway (to "prove" she's trustworthy again? to feel that she/we are 'normalized'?).  That is some insane, wayward logic! That is like saying I will "prove" I am a GREAT DRIVER by going drunk driving!  Taking the job against your will and and against the best interest of your marriage will PROVE she is untrustworthy. A trustworthy person behaves in trustworthy manners. Taking a job by the OM is NOT trustworthy behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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