Ok, in year 4 of Recovery, and an issue has arisen...trying to POJA/Brainstorm in a healthy way, but worried it's going to unravel.

In sum: My W had a workplace affair in our home county, county X, with a POS who lives in county Y, a county over from us, who worked at W's location in county X until I exposed and he was fired.

W currently works in our county, county X, some 20+ miles where POSOM lives (assuming he still does) in county Y.

W has just been offered a job -- in the field she just earned her degree in, a better workplace setting, more salary/benefits -- a top notch job offer.

However, it is located inside county Y, some 7+ miles from where the POSOM lives (assuming he still does).

When asked how I feel about it, my answer has been:

"I am not enthusiastic about you working in that county Y, and I am not enthusiastic about you working closer to where OM lives."

W is then getting upset, saying I can trust her, and asking if I will "be supportive if she decides to take the offer."

I think I'm being O&H and anwering correctly, calmly about how I feel about it.

I've suggested brainstorming solutions:

1. Move - neither of us are in agreement with a move at this time; we both agree, knowing MB principles, that this is not feasible at this time, and are aware of the decision we are making not moving right now.

2. W remains at the job she's at now -- unhappy professionally, less salary/benefits, but closer to home in county X?

3.?

4.?


I am not having an AO, but I am personally frustrated on how to express that I support her need and desire to grow professionally, use the degree she just earned, but on the other hand not enthusiastic about her doing those 2 things in county Y, OM's county of residence. If it were an offer in our home county, county X, I'd be jumping for joy...but no offers have come from institutions in our county.

I feel she makes it like I am the one who is hindering her professional growth becasue I don't 'trust' her, and that I am getting blamed for making her 'suffer' for staying in a job she's not happy in because I won't 'support her' taking this new job in county Y.

Is my thinking irrational? Am I wrong for not feeling more 'supportive' or ecstatic for this, even though on paper it might look like a winner?

Any suggestions/assistance with brainstorming/negotiating would be most appreciated.

Thank you!

Your wife's reaction to your feelings is unbelievably disrespectful. The only thing worse than her disrespect and thoughtlessness would be if you allowed her to bully you into a reluctant agreement or into capitulation. Don't do that to your marriage because if you allow her to bully you into a reluctant agreement, she will be rewarded and that will embolden her to use that tactic in the future.

Just keep negotiating until you find a solution about which you are BOTH enthusiastic. That will probably mean she finds a job in a place far away from the OM's county.

Don't capitulate and don't reward bully behavior.

At this time, I don't feel like I'm being bullied into any agreement.

And I know she is emotional about this for several reasons, namely 3 years of grad school for job (finally) that matches her degree, wanting to actually enjoy her job, and most importantly, a strong desire to get her life 'back on track', I think, as professionally as we've gotten our marriage on track.

I have wondered to myself how realistic I can be in my lack of enthusiasm for her working in location A versus location B, since, at last knowledge, the POS being a union worker could theoretically be assigned anywhere in the area....so, feels like playing whack-a-mole sometimes.

The odds may be relatively the same that he could show up at a workplace in our home county as easy as he could in his...I just feel that it increases the odds (the risk? is that what I fear?) of contact if W is working closer to his residence than further away. But does that really mean anything since the A began in our home county, anyway?

Is this possible to negotiate with the right EPs...or not at all?

Just thinking out loud...

Did she have your ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT to apply for a job in the OM's county? Sounds like some independent behavior on her part.

Mel,

Yes, I guess in a way I agreed, because I didn't really think there's be an offer, maybe. She absolutely asked if I was ok with her at least just going through the interview, I thought it could be helpful getting her interview practice again, networking for other jobs, etc.

And I want for her to be professionally happy, and get back on track.

I mean, she really has worked the MB program..at times getting me on board with principles (POJA, getting rid of AOs, maintaining our UA time) when I started slacking.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm being irrational in my thinking because, are the odds really greater for contact ANYWHERE in this area (until we move), this county or that county, since the POS is a bit of a 'free agent' with the ability to have a GC assign him to any job.

And I hate to bring this up...but sometimes I wonder if this all goes back to the NC Letter, that me not insisting she send one, skipping this important step, has retained some seed of doubt or distrust in me, feelings that I should've long since processed and been done with?

Is it more worthwhile to allow her to grow, and feel good about herself, professionally, as much as she feels good about our M now..but have very, very tight EPs, a plan, in place should the worst happen (contact)?

This is a bully tactic:

All of this is beside the point. You don't sacrifice your marriage for a job. That will make your life a nightmare.There are jobs out there that will complement your marriage. You need to find them.


If that is the case, then why not just move next door to the OM?

I think you are trying real hard to GASLIGHT yourself into a terrible agreement in order to placate your wife.

I would love for her to have this job, because I think she could excel in it, and it'd be good for her on many levels...I'd just rather it not be at the location where it is (geography).

I just can't reconcile those two points...and don't know if a solution we both can be enthusiastic about even exists.


(If I really felt bullied, I'd feel safe admitting it here. I think W simply sees this as a great professionl opportunity, and I think feels our marriage is the best it's ever been, and that the care and protection for our M that lacked before is present and strong).

I think you and your wife and not being very creative in your decisions. IF the OM and move around so easily between your counties, then why not use this great opportunity to move out of the state? If she found the right job out of state, they would likely pay for the move.


No, the letter has nothing to do with it. Living close to the OM DOES.

As you said, he could be anywhere in your county. THAT is a very good reason to move out of the county.


Sacrifice and abandoning EPs is not going to make you happy or her happy. You should not sacrifice your own happiness to make her happy. She won't be "happy" in a bad marriage.


You don't have EPs in place if there is contact. You are abandoning EPs if you do this. And that is fine if you are ok with a repeat affair. Are you ok with that?

My suggestion would be to try USING the Marriage Builders program. It is not being used here in any way, shape or form.

What if she thinks drunk driving with you in the back seat is a "great professional opportunity?" Do you think thats smart?

Its not the only job in America.

[quote]
(If I really felt bullied, I'd feel safe admitting it here. I think W simply sees this as a great professionl opportunity, and I think feels our marriage is the best it's ever been, and that the care and protection for our M that lacked before is present and strong).[/qutoe]

Trying to make you feel guilty for not capitulating is a bully tactic whether you recognize it or not. Your wife apparently is not to worried about affair proofing your marriage and is even less concerned about your feelings.

Yes, there is a solution. But you have to be creative about it. And you to have to stop being so black and white and inflexible. This job obviously doesn't work, but there are better jobs in better places if you will start looking for them.

You are not opening your minds to the multitude of other possibilities. As long as you stay STUCK on this one job in this one place, you won't see the other possibilities.

Mel,

HFM did contact Dr. Harley directly...addressed the issue on the air and via email.

Both Dr. Harley and Joyce mentioned, due to the nature of the OM ability to be anywhere possibly that we establish clear EPs IF W were to take this position, in addition to 'the usual' EPs highlighted in SAA.

And yes, they chided us about "until you move"...we have a plan for that, but will need to wait for a couple years. Dr. Harley stated that "if they've taken moving off the table as an option, then here's what to do....

The EPs that DR. & Mrs. Harley suggested were: immediate notice to me if there was contact, especially if OM was assigned a union job there, obviously, and that HFM would need to leave that job.

W agreed to both as her course of action.

I have to think that Dr Harley does not understand you plan to abandon EPs in order to get this job and I think I will send him this thread. I don't appreciate you wasting my VALUABLE time with this thread if you had already emailed Dr Harley and made your decision. What is the point?

Saying that she will give you immediate notice if she sees the OM completely misses the point and is a ridiculous notion. If she wants to start an affair, she will NOT give you notice at all. She will hide it like she did before. Telling you that she has been in contact does not erase the triggered feelings so it does nothing to mitigate the damage.

When was her email read on air? I will listen and email Dr Harley.

What a waste of my time. smh...

Mel,

I would NEVER try to BS you. For 1., I owe you too much and have too much respect for you. And 2., you're from Texas. 'nough said.

She's in a crap job...she left the one she took right after the affair in order to be CLOSER to home, for US, but it's in a crappy nursing home, and the pay/work conditions are not good.

She has applied to over 40 jobs at about 5 local hosptals in our home county...there are about 5 more in the county next door; the one with the job offer is the one geopgraphiacally closest to our house. Most, if not all of what's out there are overnight shifts -- a no-no in MB being apart overnights. She could EASILY work a 7P-7A job, becasue that's almost all that's out there right now.

And, not trying to speak for her, but like Wulffpack, HFM has been so traumatized by her mistake, and life ruined in many ways, that HFM feels our marriage IS affair-proofed -- not in a static way -- but that it is a constant set of behaviors that she follows and believes in.

That she will NEVER go down that path again; MB has taught her the tools on how to complain in a marriage, or negotiate with an emotional spouse, or maintain UA time, or how to follow being accountable for time, money, etc.

I'm sorry if you feel I wasted your time.

For the love of God, I sorry I'm not perfect and am juggling 5 things at once in my job/family etc. and didn't type my narrative chronologically and remembered details after I typed. The email was months ago, when the job was a might be/could be/may be.

You know, sometimes in life you write to figure out what you're going to write about.

Please enjoy the rest of your evening.

Let me try yo find it in my email...

Brian Link sent it to us, but it was back in the fall.

And frankly, if she wantes to start another affair, I'm out.

I'm not going through all this again. I'll be exiting the marriage at that point.

Unfortunately, she never learned the very basic tools of affair proofing a marriage and implementing EPs. Y'all missed the POJA entirely. She WILL go down that path again if EPs are abandoned as you are suggesting here.

The fact that you would say she "will never go down that path again" while suggesting she work right by the OM indicates a complete lack of comprehension of what causes affairs. But I know you know this deep down: "I am not enthusiastic about you working in that county Y, and I am not enthusiastic about you working closer to where OM lives."

I have to believe you must have learned something in all the years you have been here.

This thread has been a waste of my time so I have forwarded the link to Dr Harley.

If you don't want to go through it again, then why would you set yourself up for it? Why take the risk? I don't get that.

Didn't you get hurt enough the last time?